I've been on Christmas vacation the past week, which constitutes lots of lying around the house doing absolutely, positively nothing. Seriously, nothing, and it rocks! My best friend, Val, got me this amazing blanket for Christmas that's half sheep on one side and half wool on the other. Wait, isn't that the same thing? Anyway, I don't know exactly what it is, but I love it. It's become attached to me these past few days. Sitting on my couch in the same pj's, no make-up, my hair in a bun, with remote in hand! It's been relaxing and educational.
I've watched 47 1/2 movies, 62 shows and 17 documentaries. Netflix rules. My favorite movies are the "Indie" ones. They aren't as full of the Hollywood b.s., I mean hype, that you find at the box office or that "let me insult your intelligence" crap on other networks. They're just full of real people, in real situations dealing with real life stuff. One was incredibly disturbing and a true story, "The Girl Next Door". You'll just have to watch, but viewer discretion is advised. Another favorite that was fantastic is "Punching the Clown." I laughed out loud more times than I can count. But, once again, use caution if children are around.
I've seen my share of cable too. Take "Strange Addictions" for instance. Have you seen this? It's about people admitting to strange addictions, hence the name. Like this lady who lives with 47 hairless rats, a guy who gets off by pulling hair out of shower drains (gross), or the 27 year old who likes to eat drywall! She says, "I've been eating drywall for 7 years now. I think I have a problem and need help." You think? I had to ask myself, how does it take 7 years to figure that out? Seriously, I'd hope that after the first time I had the urge to rip drywall from my kitchen wall (instead of making a ham sandwich) place it in my mouth, followed by chewing it up, swallowing it and going back for seconds, I'd be picking up the phone calling 911.
This chick is literally eating her own house! I'm not trying to make fun, ok. I have some bad addictions too. I religiously record "The Real Housewives" and I bite my nails too much, but eating drywall, living with rats (although I admit I was married to one once), or playing with wet, slimy hair from a drain? This stuff is disgusting, frustrating and makes my skin crawl. My DVR is already set up to record next week's episode!
Yes, it's been an interesting couple of days. Well, gotta go, "Cheaters" is about to start!
Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Wishes of the Past
How many people do you think you've hurt in your life? Seriously and unfortunately, I don't think I could count the number of people I've hurt. Ask me how many have hurt me and I could probably tell you an exact number. That seems much easier, doesn't it?
My mother is 67 years old. Divorced now for over 20 years, she lives alone with her thoughts and loneliness. She makes me sad. I've heard her comment many times that her mind often wanders to her past. Daydreaming about the mother she failed to be, the wife she longed to be, her regrets and so on and so on. I've tried my best to help her move forward, but she's just stuck. Sure, she made choices as a mother that I don't agree with and my brother, sisters and I paid a price for those decision. But, who am I to judge? Who among us is free from that kind of guilt?
I've royally screwed up throughout my 47 years. Royally. Each day, I'm doing my best to be better than the day before. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I dont. I want to make right choices, even though some are rather difficult. Like my mother, I daydream too. I find myself remembering times from my past that were good and satisfying and long to relive those experiences again. Some more than once.
But, I can't. The past is gone. It's over. It never comes back. I suppose that's a blessing, isn't it? Some parts belong in the past. They're better to be left there because of the pain. It's the good memories that are the hardest to forget. The longing for that part of our past that was happy and so satisfying. I could live those all over again if I could. I do sometimes when I'm sleeping through my dreams.
Life is so hard. I don't understand it all the time. Sometimes it makes me cry. I miss the innocence of being a child. I think about those I've loved before that I can no longer see or talk to. So many people in my life that I miss so much. I miss friendships that I treasured. But, this is now and that was then. Doesn't seem fair if you ask me.
I guess I get it. My mom, that is and why she sits in her lonely house all alone dwelling. I get it, but I don't want that for me. If the only chance I have of not thinking about past regrets in my old age is avoiding them, I'm out of luck. I'll make more tomorrow and the next day after that. Just another hurdle to accept in our old age.
Yes, life is so hard. But, God is still good.
My mother is 67 years old. Divorced now for over 20 years, she lives alone with her thoughts and loneliness. She makes me sad. I've heard her comment many times that her mind often wanders to her past. Daydreaming about the mother she failed to be, the wife she longed to be, her regrets and so on and so on. I've tried my best to help her move forward, but she's just stuck. Sure, she made choices as a mother that I don't agree with and my brother, sisters and I paid a price for those decision. But, who am I to judge? Who among us is free from that kind of guilt?
I've royally screwed up throughout my 47 years. Royally. Each day, I'm doing my best to be better than the day before. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I dont. I want to make right choices, even though some are rather difficult. Like my mother, I daydream too. I find myself remembering times from my past that were good and satisfying and long to relive those experiences again. Some more than once.
But, I can't. The past is gone. It's over. It never comes back. I suppose that's a blessing, isn't it? Some parts belong in the past. They're better to be left there because of the pain. It's the good memories that are the hardest to forget. The longing for that part of our past that was happy and so satisfying. I could live those all over again if I could. I do sometimes when I'm sleeping through my dreams.
Life is so hard. I don't understand it all the time. Sometimes it makes me cry. I miss the innocence of being a child. I think about those I've loved before that I can no longer see or talk to. So many people in my life that I miss so much. I miss friendships that I treasured. But, this is now and that was then. Doesn't seem fair if you ask me.
I guess I get it. My mom, that is and why she sits in her lonely house all alone dwelling. I get it, but I don't want that for me. If the only chance I have of not thinking about past regrets in my old age is avoiding them, I'm out of luck. I'll make more tomorrow and the next day after that. Just another hurdle to accept in our old age.
Yes, life is so hard. But, God is still good.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thanksgiving
Mine was great, how was yours? This year, we decided to rent a cabin in Pigeon Forge for Thanksgiving. It turned out to be a great decision. What a blast!
The cabin was beautiful, scenery spectacular and the company was second to none. I don't think it matters to me where I am as long as I'm with my family. Nothing in the world makes me feel content like having all four of my daughters and now granddaughter with me. Salem loved the hot tub, the trail walk and the food. She pulled out every game in the place and we were still searching for game pieces the morning we left.
Family. Nothing like it in the world. I am so in love with mine. I wonder if it's unusual this closeness I share and love that I have for all my girls. It's like I'm obsessed.
On the morning of our departure, Salem couldn't stop crying. She said, "I don't want to leave the cabin and go back to Nashville! I want to stay with my family." I told her, "Don't worry, baby, you'll always have us."
Life is good.
The cabin was beautiful, scenery spectacular and the company was second to none. I don't think it matters to me where I am as long as I'm with my family. Nothing in the world makes me feel content like having all four of my daughters and now granddaughter with me. Salem loved the hot tub, the trail walk and the food. She pulled out every game in the place and we were still searching for game pieces the morning we left.
Family. Nothing like it in the world. I am so in love with mine. I wonder if it's unusual this closeness I share and love that I have for all my girls. It's like I'm obsessed.
On the morning of our departure, Salem couldn't stop crying. She said, "I don't want to leave the cabin and go back to Nashville! I want to stay with my family." I told her, "Don't worry, baby, you'll always have us."
Life is good.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Busy, Busy, Busy
My first two radio shows have been great! So great that the station owner is already changing me from my 6-7pm time slot to prime time at 4-5:00 pm central time! He and I are excited about "Real Talk" and believe the time change is going to be great for the show.
I already have guests booked into February and so many more to invite. I am having a blast! Today, I spoke to the Kiwanis group. I thought it went well, with one exception. I was so conscious of the time that I forgot to ask for financial support for the center! And during these economic times, we are in desperate need of help.
The good news is that Ken, (who introduced me) invited me to return as his guest to make a plea for financial help. So, I'll be visiting again soon. Ken was a great host. He knew so much about me. He said reading my blog gave him great insight as to who I was and what I was about, especially my "Bucket List" blog. My daughter, Tawni, came with me and she couldn't stop talking about how delightful Ken was. I'd have to agree. I know you'll read this Ken, so thanks again. You are precious! This Sunday, I will be preaching at a Methodist Church and here's what I'll say about that.
I hope they're ready for me.
I already have guests booked into February and so many more to invite. I am having a blast! Today, I spoke to the Kiwanis group. I thought it went well, with one exception. I was so conscious of the time that I forgot to ask for financial support for the center! And during these economic times, we are in desperate need of help.
The good news is that Ken, (who introduced me) invited me to return as his guest to make a plea for financial help. So, I'll be visiting again soon. Ken was a great host. He knew so much about me. He said reading my blog gave him great insight as to who I was and what I was about, especially my "Bucket List" blog. My daughter, Tawni, came with me and she couldn't stop talking about how delightful Ken was. I'd have to agree. I know you'll read this Ken, so thanks again. You are precious! This Sunday, I will be preaching at a Methodist Church and here's what I'll say about that.
I hope they're ready for me.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Takin' It To The Airwaves!
Well, He's done it again. God has opened yet another door and I'm so excited to walk through it. I will be hosting a new radio show called "Real Talk" with Victoria.
Later this afternoon, I'll be taping the first two shows and we go live November 11th. I can't help but remember a friend of mine, Cathy Thomas, who many years ago said to me, "Victoria, God is going to use your bold personality and that outspoken mouth of yours for His good."
And He has. He's given me many opportunities to speak around the country for over 15 years now. Kathy's prophetic word has come to pass many times and I can't help but believe that this is another of more to come. He knows I'm not perfect, but I'm in love with Him and willing to allow Him to use me in any way He chooses.
The concept of the show is this. I'll basically talk about anything and everything on people's minds. And what's allowable! I'll cover topics from teen, parenting and relationship issues to what's going on in and around the world and the community we live in. I'll invite interesting guests, as well as, take questions from listeners.
And let's just hope this outspoken, opinionated, big mouth of mine doesn't get me into any trouble. Scratch that :)
Later this afternoon, I'll be taping the first two shows and we go live November 11th. I can't help but remember a friend of mine, Cathy Thomas, who many years ago said to me, "Victoria, God is going to use your bold personality and that outspoken mouth of yours for His good."
And He has. He's given me many opportunities to speak around the country for over 15 years now. Kathy's prophetic word has come to pass many times and I can't help but believe that this is another of more to come. He knows I'm not perfect, but I'm in love with Him and willing to allow Him to use me in any way He chooses.
The concept of the show is this. I'll basically talk about anything and everything on people's minds. And what's allowable! I'll cover topics from teen, parenting and relationship issues to what's going on in and around the world and the community we live in. I'll invite interesting guests, as well as, take questions from listeners.
And let's just hope this outspoken, opinionated, big mouth of mine doesn't get me into any trouble. Scratch that :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Give Me A Break!!
As you know, I speak around the country about delicate and controversial issues such as abortion and teen sex.
Recently, I was asked to speak for 10 minutes to a group of pastors and laymen about the pregnancy center, our needs and the happenings going on here. I've said this many times before, but it bears repeating. I am convinced that God has called me to antagonize religious people. I have a bold personality, very little intimidates me and I have strong opionions that I'm not afraid to share. And so, I spoke about the great things we are doing and how frustrating it is to me that I continually feel that I'm "begging" for financial support from those who should willingly give it.
The next day after this event, a sweet pastor asked if he could speak frankly to me. He proceeded to tell me that until someone knows me a little better, I may want to tone down my passion a little bit. He said this would help me not offend anyone. He said people don't like to be "told" what they should or shouldn't do.
But, seriously?! By a show of hands, how many of you think I'm ever going to tone down my passion? And with all due respect, I think it's time to offend, to a degree. I believe God is sick of people "playing" church and is ready for us to "be the church" and do what He's called us to do! I don't know what Bible you're reading, but the one I read teaches that we are to help those less fortunate than we are. Trust me, our clients are much less fortunate than most of us.
So, forgive me in advance if you're one of the people who can't handle my personality. If you think it's bold now, you should have met me 10 years ago! I truly don't seek to offend anyone, but I am passionate about my work and get quite frustrated with those who do nothing to help our cause. We are saving babies, for gosh sakes! We are saving women from making decisions that will cost them much more than they'd want to pay. We supply free diapers, baby food, formula, clothing, counseling and parenting classes, yet I can't get people to pledge a mere $10.00 a month!
When you're on the front lines of the work we do at the center and witness the pain, heartache and hopelessness of so many, then you've earned the right to tell me to calm down. Until then,
Give me a break!
Recently, I was asked to speak for 10 minutes to a group of pastors and laymen about the pregnancy center, our needs and the happenings going on here. I've said this many times before, but it bears repeating. I am convinced that God has called me to antagonize religious people. I have a bold personality, very little intimidates me and I have strong opionions that I'm not afraid to share. And so, I spoke about the great things we are doing and how frustrating it is to me that I continually feel that I'm "begging" for financial support from those who should willingly give it.
The next day after this event, a sweet pastor asked if he could speak frankly to me. He proceeded to tell me that until someone knows me a little better, I may want to tone down my passion a little bit. He said this would help me not offend anyone. He said people don't like to be "told" what they should or shouldn't do.
But, seriously?! By a show of hands, how many of you think I'm ever going to tone down my passion? And with all due respect, I think it's time to offend, to a degree. I believe God is sick of people "playing" church and is ready for us to "be the church" and do what He's called us to do! I don't know what Bible you're reading, but the one I read teaches that we are to help those less fortunate than we are. Trust me, our clients are much less fortunate than most of us.
So, forgive me in advance if you're one of the people who can't handle my personality. If you think it's bold now, you should have met me 10 years ago! I truly don't seek to offend anyone, but I am passionate about my work and get quite frustrated with those who do nothing to help our cause. We are saving babies, for gosh sakes! We are saving women from making decisions that will cost them much more than they'd want to pay. We supply free diapers, baby food, formula, clothing, counseling and parenting classes, yet I can't get people to pledge a mere $10.00 a month!
When you're on the front lines of the work we do at the center and witness the pain, heartache and hopelessness of so many, then you've earned the right to tell me to calm down. Until then,
Give me a break!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
WHAT DID SHE SAY??
I had to put on paper some of the shocking, yet hilarious things she said to us. Here goes:
Mimi: "Where did Mommy buy you that beautiful dress?" Salem: "E-Bay."
"Mimi, Where's my IPad? Is it charged? I need to watch my mooovie."
"Salem, how do you turn this thing off?" Salem: "Gimme Mimi, I show you." (and she did!)
"Papa Ghee, I need the IPod! I wanna listen to moosic and dance!"
"Mimi, can we go to Target? I LOVE Target!"
"Mimi, can you turn my CD on when we get in the car? I want to hear #17, the Hickory Hickory Dick Song."
"Hey, I likea put my sound machine on moosic to do ballet. Let me show you! No, Mimi and Papa Ghee, dat's NOT HOW YOU DO IT!"
"Mimi, I needa watch the Booty Pageant. Papa Ghee, you CANT watch it! Just me and Mimi! Can you buy me a blue dress so I can be in da booty pageant?"
"Oh, Mimi and Papa Ghee, I just LOVE your new big TV!" (we finally hung our 52 inch HD plasma)
"Mimi, we can watch Yo Gabba Gabba." Mimi: "I don't know if I have any recorded, baby." Salem: "It's On Demand."
To be continued :)
Saturday, October 8, 2011
My Answer in Video
One of the questions I'm asked over and over again is "Why are you so passionate about the work you do?" Now, instead of trying to explain, I can share this 3 minute video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFYssR4Ypmk&sns=fb&noredirect=1
Any other questions?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFYssR4Ypmk&sns=fb&noredirect=1
Any other questions?
Monday, September 12, 2011
"Mom and Best Frend"
Being a Mimi has been one of the greatest highlights of my adult life! I am so in love with this little girl that stands 3 feet tall weighing in at a whopping 25 lbs. I never knew love like this. Although I'd heard others talk about their love for their grandchildren and how nothing compared to it, I couldn't quite comprehend what they were saying.
That was until I met Salem Sophia, my Lil Pooks, on June 1, 2009. My life has never been the same. She's cost me thousands of dollars already (I can't say no to her!) and in January, 2011, while living in Arizona for 3 years, I told my husband I was moving, with or without him, to Nashville to be closer to her. (I'm happy to report, of course, that he came with me, I mean the man's not stupid! :) To say she has me wrapped around her finger would be an understatement. I love my daughters and I would die for any one of them, but the love I have for my granddaughter is different, yet the same. It's a mystery to me.
We share a bond that I can't compare to any I've ever experienced. I truly believe it could be said that one of the best parts of having children is for the grandchildren that come later!
What a joy this little girl brings to me and my family every single day. She's brought our entire family closer since the day she was born. She's God's gift to us. I hate going a day without hearing her voice. Having her living up the road from me is a dream come true. She calls my husband Papa Ghee, Tawni's "the nawn", Kolby is KoKo and Kendra is well, just "Kendra"! She adores every one of us. What a lesson she's taught us of how important family is as she lights up every time we're all together. This baby loves her family.
But, me, I'm her favorite. She calls me Mimi and just to make her Mommy laugh, she'll refer to me as her "Mom". And now, she's been calling me her "best frend".
I call her "Beautiful."
We share a bond that I can't compare to any I've ever experienced. I truly believe it could be said that one of the best parts of having children is for the grandchildren that come later!
What a joy this little girl brings to me and my family every single day. She's brought our entire family closer since the day she was born. She's God's gift to us. I hate going a day without hearing her voice. Having her living up the road from me is a dream come true. She calls my husband Papa Ghee, Tawni's "the nawn", Kolby is KoKo and Kendra is well, just "Kendra"! She adores every one of us. What a lesson she's taught us of how important family is as she lights up every time we're all together. This baby loves her family.
I call her "Beautiful."
Friday, August 26, 2011
Oops, I Did It Again!
I angered someone today and lost a facebook "friend" (I use this term lightly as this person was an acquaintance from high school who "friended" me). It happens. Trust me, she's not the first and I'm confident, she won't be the last. She apparently didn't appreciate my political point of view. Oh, well. Last time I checked, I still live in a country which allows me the freedom to think however I choose and to speak those views privately or publicly. Thanks to the brave men and women in uniform, I am blessed to reside in a country that affords me the opportunity to have these rights. It's because of these men and women, some who've given up their lives, that I can enjoy such freedom. This is just one of the many luxuries that have been bestowed upon us.
My opinion is just that, it's mine. It doesn't mean it's right or that I'm a know it all. It's just my opinion. I have a right to it, just as you do yours. We should respect that about one another. But, why do some people get so defensive? In my opinion, and its just mine, could it be the fact that they aren't as convicted about where they stand and maybe I'm about to out them with my own strong opinion?
Let's take my work, for example. Don't get into an argument with me about it if you haven't done the research or been on the front lines as I have for the past 15 years. You will lose. Not only that, you'll come across as ignorant. Just as I would, if I tried to instruct a surgeon performing surgery.
I may not be right, in your opinion, about what I believe, but I stand by them. I'm very stubborn when it comes to my beliefs, my values and my opinion. It doesn't mean I won't listen to yours or that my own opinion hasn't been changed before. It's rare, but it's happened. In reality, I admit, there are some issues that I just won't budge on.
I stand for many things. Human life is just one of them. I have that right, just as you do. It has been said that "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." So, I take stands on issues important to me.
No, she won't be the first person I've upset by my politcal views or high strung opinions, and I'm confident to say, she won't be the last.
My opinion is just that, it's mine. It doesn't mean it's right or that I'm a know it all. It's just my opinion. I have a right to it, just as you do yours. We should respect that about one another. But, why do some people get so defensive? In my opinion, and its just mine, could it be the fact that they aren't as convicted about where they stand and maybe I'm about to out them with my own strong opinion?
Let's take my work, for example. Don't get into an argument with me about it if you haven't done the research or been on the front lines as I have for the past 15 years. You will lose. Not only that, you'll come across as ignorant. Just as I would, if I tried to instruct a surgeon performing surgery.
I may not be right, in your opinion, about what I believe, but I stand by them. I'm very stubborn when it comes to my beliefs, my values and my opinion. It doesn't mean I won't listen to yours or that my own opinion hasn't been changed before. It's rare, but it's happened. In reality, I admit, there are some issues that I just won't budge on.
I stand for many things. Human life is just one of them. I have that right, just as you do. It has been said that "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." So, I take stands on issues important to me.
No, she won't be the first person I've upset by my politcal views or high strung opinions, and I'm confident to say, she won't be the last.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Time will Expose or Promote You
If you are even a part-time follower of my blog, you probably know that I went through a very nasty divorce several years ago. Although the divorce process was horrible, by far, the marriage was worse. At least while suffering through the divorce proceedings, I took great comfort in knowing that the end result would be exactly what I desperately needed. My marriage was killing me from the inside out and my spirit was dying. I knew I had to do something.
People on the outside of our lives see what we allow them to see. That's it. Period. It's what we do, isn't it, we pretend? I've never been good at pretending. It's not in my DNA.
As a people, we are so fearful of exposure. So afraid that someone may uncover the truth that we are an imperfect person leading an imperfect life. After 17 years of "marriage", I grew sick of living a lie. Hence, my decision to divorce. It shouldn't have taken that long, but the guilt and shame I felt in walking away held me hostage.
This marriage was changing me and I knew it. When I fought against the lies of my marriage, I was criticized. When I decided not to play the game anymore, attempts were made to destroy my reputation, my spirit and even my Christian walk. I truly fought hard against what I was being counseled to do to the point where others were convincing me that I was the problem. Am I perfect? Was I the perfect in my marriage? Absolutely not. I made my share of mistakes. The fight was brutal at times, but in my opinion, I ended up winning.
My marriage was a scam. Literally. But because of ministry obligations, pretending, I was instructed, was the "right" thing to do and eventually I would grow content in my situation. I was told that it was my duty as a "Christian" wife to suck it up and keep up appearances because too many people would be hurt if I left the marriage. The many times I spoke out about what was really going on in my marriage, I was accused of not reading my bible, praying or my all time favorite, not being "Christian" enough.
For 80% of my married life, I lived as a single mother. I raised my children alone. I not only lived a lie, but my children had to live it too. I listened to my ex try his best to convince me that if I left the marriage, I would destroy 1000's of people's relationship with God who looked up to us as the "perfect" Christian family! Talk about pressure! Not only b.s. I bought into this crap for awhile! Then I realized, I didn't die on a cross for anybody, Jesus did. And who the hell do I think I am anyway. Could I have seriously believed I was that important?! I'm not now, nor will I ever be Jesus Christ. Yes, I strive to live my life by His example, but I fail miserably most of the time. We need to stop looking to others for answers regarding who God is and seek Him out ourselves. He'll show us. He's shown me.
And just because someone is in ministry or the greatest preacher you've ever heard, doesn't mean they're living it. Heed the Bibles warning "in the last days, even the elite will be deceived". Isn't it true that even if a drunk says "Jesus is Lord", it's still the truth?
Yes, our family looked real good. But, it was all a lie. Now, my children are paying from the ramifications of it. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that.
Who might you be lying to? Your neighbors, friends, church? Maybe yourself?
Get real. I did. And it was liberating.
People on the outside of our lives see what we allow them to see. That's it. Period. It's what we do, isn't it, we pretend? I've never been good at pretending. It's not in my DNA.
As a people, we are so fearful of exposure. So afraid that someone may uncover the truth that we are an imperfect person leading an imperfect life. After 17 years of "marriage", I grew sick of living a lie. Hence, my decision to divorce. It shouldn't have taken that long, but the guilt and shame I felt in walking away held me hostage.
This marriage was changing me and I knew it. When I fought against the lies of my marriage, I was criticized. When I decided not to play the game anymore, attempts were made to destroy my reputation, my spirit and even my Christian walk. I truly fought hard against what I was being counseled to do to the point where others were convincing me that I was the problem. Am I perfect? Was I the perfect in my marriage? Absolutely not. I made my share of mistakes. The fight was brutal at times, but in my opinion, I ended up winning.
My marriage was a scam. Literally. But because of ministry obligations, pretending, I was instructed, was the "right" thing to do and eventually I would grow content in my situation. I was told that it was my duty as a "Christian" wife to suck it up and keep up appearances because too many people would be hurt if I left the marriage. The many times I spoke out about what was really going on in my marriage, I was accused of not reading my bible, praying or my all time favorite, not being "Christian" enough.
For 80% of my married life, I lived as a single mother. I raised my children alone. I not only lived a lie, but my children had to live it too. I listened to my ex try his best to convince me that if I left the marriage, I would destroy 1000's of people's relationship with God who looked up to us as the "perfect" Christian family! Talk about pressure! Not only b.s. I bought into this crap for awhile! Then I realized, I didn't die on a cross for anybody, Jesus did. And who the hell do I think I am anyway. Could I have seriously believed I was that important?! I'm not now, nor will I ever be Jesus Christ. Yes, I strive to live my life by His example, but I fail miserably most of the time. We need to stop looking to others for answers regarding who God is and seek Him out ourselves. He'll show us. He's shown me.
And just because someone is in ministry or the greatest preacher you've ever heard, doesn't mean they're living it. Heed the Bibles warning "in the last days, even the elite will be deceived". Isn't it true that even if a drunk says "Jesus is Lord", it's still the truth?
Yes, our family looked real good. But, it was all a lie. Now, my children are paying from the ramifications of it. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that.
Who might you be lying to? Your neighbors, friends, church? Maybe yourself?
Get real. I did. And it was liberating.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
My College Student, Kendra Taylor
My daughter Kendra is trying to make one of the most important decisions she's ever made to date. Where to go to college. She's been in a community college in N.C. her first year and did amazingly well. Her plan is to complete her Associate Degree and afterwards transfer to a university to complete her goal of a Bachelor's in Business.
But, since our move to Nashville, Kendra decided she wanted to be near her Mommy and sisters. She started her search and found a great college near Teryn's house. She registered and was set to arrive this week. Two days ago, she learned the differences in costs of being an out-of-state student vs. staying where she is. So, she's now reconsidering her plans. Am I bummed that my excitement over having all four of my girls in the same town that I live may not come to fruition? Absolutely. Am I more proud of her than I've ever been during her college career? You bet I am.
She told me last night that as she said good-bye to her boyfriend as he leaves for an out-of-state university that requires a tuition of around $21,000 a year, it frustrates her a little bit. His parent's can easily afford to send him. I can't afford to do that and her father refuses to help her financially since she made the decision not to attend a ministry college as he wanted her to. She told me it just wasn't fair that everyone isn't afforded the luxury of going where they want to go. I told her she could go where she wanted to, she would just have to take out a student loan. She responded that she didn't want to start her adult life in debt. Wow.
I"m incredibly proud of the mature decision that Kendra seems to be making. I know it won't be an easy one for her, but the tuition goes from $2700 where she is to $7000 to come here! Yes, she desperately wants to be here with her family and isn't fond of her current living situation (her landlord refuses to get the internet, which is a basic need and must for college!) nor will he supply basic cable! But that's another blog waiting to be written. She continues to prove that I indeed raised a conscientious, young woman. I will miss not having her around as I thought I would. But today, I'm smiling.
My Little Sweet Pea has become an adult woman. Where have the days of Barney gone?
But, since our move to Nashville, Kendra decided she wanted to be near her Mommy and sisters. She started her search and found a great college near Teryn's house. She registered and was set to arrive this week. Two days ago, she learned the differences in costs of being an out-of-state student vs. staying where she is. So, she's now reconsidering her plans. Am I bummed that my excitement over having all four of my girls in the same town that I live may not come to fruition? Absolutely. Am I more proud of her than I've ever been during her college career? You bet I am.
She told me last night that as she said good-bye to her boyfriend as he leaves for an out-of-state university that requires a tuition of around $21,000 a year, it frustrates her a little bit. His parent's can easily afford to send him. I can't afford to do that and her father refuses to help her financially since she made the decision not to attend a ministry college as he wanted her to. She told me it just wasn't fair that everyone isn't afforded the luxury of going where they want to go. I told her she could go where she wanted to, she would just have to take out a student loan. She responded that she didn't want to start her adult life in debt. Wow.
My Little Sweet Pea has become an adult woman. Where have the days of Barney gone?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
My Conversation with An Atheist
It went something like this.
Atheist: "So, tell me about this faith of yours?"
Me: "I'd love to! I believe Jesus is the Son of God, born of a Virgin, lived a sinless life and became the ultimate sacrifice when He died on a cross for our sins. We can't have fellowship with a Holy God if we have sin in our lives, so through Jesus' sacrifice and accepting that sacrifice as truth, it creates a bridge for us to have fellowship with the One True God. It also establishes our place in Heaven and saves us from Hell. Jesus said, "Noone comes to the Father except through Me." And not only does He forgive our sins, He forgets them! Sounds pretty amazing to me!"
Atheist: "You really believe this "saving" crap and that there's a place called Heaven and a place like Hell where you burn forever?"
Me: "Absolutely. And I believe what the bible says about Heaven too. That it's a beautiful place paved with streets of gold, there is no pain, no disease or heartache, I will have my own mansion and I will forever spend eternity with God. No more suffering, confusion, broken hearts! Who wouldn't want to live there? It sounds awesome! I also believe that Hell is a horrible place where non-believers will spend eternity. Yes, I do believe this with all my heart."
Atheist: "Seriously?!
Me: "Seriously. Tell me what you believe anyway."
Atheist: "That when we die, we just rot in the ground. That's it. Period. There is nothing else."
Me: "That's pretty sad. I mean, seriously, we just rot?"
Atheist: "So, you're willing to live your life believing in the Bible and a dude named Jesus?"
Me: "I see it this way. If I strive to live my life as the Bible teaches, which consists of treating others the way I'd want to be treated, loving others as I love myself, following the Ten Commandments, etc., I'd say I'd be proud of the life I'd lived."
Atheist: "Well, what if you're wrong about Jesus, the Bible and all this Heaven stuff?"
Me: "You mean if I'm wrong and you're right? Hmmm, let's see. I'd still say I would have lived a pretty good life, so I wouldn't say I'd have lost anything. I'd just die and rot in the ground like you say I would. But, what if I'm right and you're wrong? The way I see it, you, my friend, will have gained nothing and lost everything."
As for me, my faithful readers, I'm not willing to take that chance.
Atheist: "So, tell me about this faith of yours?"
Me: "I'd love to! I believe Jesus is the Son of God, born of a Virgin, lived a sinless life and became the ultimate sacrifice when He died on a cross for our sins. We can't have fellowship with a Holy God if we have sin in our lives, so through Jesus' sacrifice and accepting that sacrifice as truth, it creates a bridge for us to have fellowship with the One True God. It also establishes our place in Heaven and saves us from Hell. Jesus said, "Noone comes to the Father except through Me." And not only does He forgive our sins, He forgets them! Sounds pretty amazing to me!"
Atheist: "You really believe this "saving" crap and that there's a place called Heaven and a place like Hell where you burn forever?"
Me: "Absolutely. And I believe what the bible says about Heaven too. That it's a beautiful place paved with streets of gold, there is no pain, no disease or heartache, I will have my own mansion and I will forever spend eternity with God. No more suffering, confusion, broken hearts! Who wouldn't want to live there? It sounds awesome! I also believe that Hell is a horrible place where non-believers will spend eternity. Yes, I do believe this with all my heart."
Atheist: "Seriously?!
Me: "Seriously. Tell me what you believe anyway."
Atheist: "That when we die, we just rot in the ground. That's it. Period. There is nothing else."
Me: "That's pretty sad. I mean, seriously, we just rot?"
Atheist: "So, you're willing to live your life believing in the Bible and a dude named Jesus?"
Me: "I see it this way. If I strive to live my life as the Bible teaches, which consists of treating others the way I'd want to be treated, loving others as I love myself, following the Ten Commandments, etc., I'd say I'd be proud of the life I'd lived."
Atheist: "Well, what if you're wrong about Jesus, the Bible and all this Heaven stuff?"
Me: "You mean if I'm wrong and you're right? Hmmm, let's see. I'd still say I would have lived a pretty good life, so I wouldn't say I'd have lost anything. I'd just die and rot in the ground like you say I would. But, what if I'm right and you're wrong? The way I see it, you, my friend, will have gained nothing and lost everything."
As for me, my faithful readers, I'm not willing to take that chance.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Regrets and Such
Teryn and Tawni are literally right up the road from me, Kolby is loving being with her two best friends from 1st grade, Morgan and Hannah, again. Chad, my favorite son-in-law is every mother's dream for her daughter and loves his mother-in-law and doesn't mind that I'm around a lot. Kendra will be here in a matter of weeks to begin her 2nd year of college and my best friend, Val, is literally 0.8 miles from me. Last, and certainly not least, I have regular visits with my Lil Pooks, who spends the night with me often! The only thing that could make it better would be if Trudy was still here, living up the road. We were so excited to be geographically close to one another again after 22 years. I do thank God for bringing me back to Nashville and allowing me to spend the last six weeks of her life though. He is so good.
I'm enjoying my new position at the center so much and I'm truly doing the work God's called me to. My speaking engagements continue and my book is now in its 4th print. Yes, I feel truly blessed, despite any negatives going on in my life.
Trudy's death has hit me hard. Not just for the fact that I miss her terribly, but it's forced me to take a long, hard look at my life. My past, the regrets I have, poor decisions I've made and people I've hurt are foremost on my mind. There are issues I need to reconcile because it's the right thing to do. Life really is so short. "but a fleeting moment." I continue to work on myself, to learn from my mistakes and to take time to appreciate the little things, not just the big ones. Lots going on in this heart and soul of mine.
My bucket list will be coming next.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Seizures and Such
Four months ago, our precious Maltipoo, Gabby, began having seizures. The first one scared the bejezus out of us. Kolby was hysterical while I took off to the neighbors, who's a vet tech. Jess rushed over, tried to calm us down and spoke softly to Gabby as she was experience her episode. It was so pitiful to stand by and watch Gabby stiffin up and see the look of terror in her eyes. It was a helpless feeling not being able to help her in any way. All we could do was wait for it to end.
Kolby and I were crying and convinced Gabby was dying right in front of us. The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes until she slowly began to come out of it. Shortly thereafter, she was our Gabby Girl once again. Jess explained that it wasn't as bad as it looked and advised that we watch her over the next few months. She said this was typical in a dog Gabby's age.
A month later, it happened again. Repeat above scenario. With all the moving preparations, we decided to wait until we reached Nashville to see if and when it happened again. A week after arriving, it did. Time for a vet visit.
After spending $275, the vet explained that Gabby most likely has a brain tumor. To be sure, she recommended a CT scan ($1500), followed by brain surgery ($2500) to remove it. I love my dog. She's been my faithful companion for 9 years and is the smartest, most loving dog in the world, but there's no way I'm spending $4000 for a vet bill. The girls' weren't very happy with me and the vet treated me like I should be reported to ASPCA. We never went back.
Two weeks ago, Gabby had another seizure and last night another one. Today, I took her to a new vet. She basically gave the same diagnosis. The difference was that she 100% supported my decision and didn't even suggest spending the money for a CT scan. If she were in my shoes, she told me she would do the same thing. She couldn't give a guarantee how long Gabby will be around. It could be 6 months or a few years. She suggested I take her home and enjoy every day with her. I asked her about putting her on medication to control the seizures and she said if we did that she'd most likely become lethargic and her quality of life would diminish greatly. Gabby still loves to play and is very active. So she has a seizure once in a while. I can live with that.
I made a decision. I came home and told the girl's. We will enjoy our Gabby Girl for however long she's got. We'll love her, cuddle her and play catch with her, like we always have.
And then I thought about something. Medical bills aside, it's the same thing with people. We don't know how long we've got either. We don't have a clue how long we'll get to enjoy eachother, love, cuddle and play together.
Hmmm, maybe the Vet is on to something :)
Kolby and I were crying and convinced Gabby was dying right in front of us. The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes until she slowly began to come out of it. Shortly thereafter, she was our Gabby Girl once again. Jess explained that it wasn't as bad as it looked and advised that we watch her over the next few months. She said this was typical in a dog Gabby's age.
A month later, it happened again. Repeat above scenario. With all the moving preparations, we decided to wait until we reached Nashville to see if and when it happened again. A week after arriving, it did. Time for a vet visit.
After spending $275, the vet explained that Gabby most likely has a brain tumor. To be sure, she recommended a CT scan ($1500), followed by brain surgery ($2500) to remove it. I love my dog. She's been my faithful companion for 9 years and is the smartest, most loving dog in the world, but there's no way I'm spending $4000 for a vet bill. The girls' weren't very happy with me and the vet treated me like I should be reported to ASPCA. We never went back.
Two weeks ago, Gabby had another seizure and last night another one. Today, I took her to a new vet. She basically gave the same diagnosis. The difference was that she 100% supported my decision and didn't even suggest spending the money for a CT scan. If she were in my shoes, she told me she would do the same thing. She couldn't give a guarantee how long Gabby will be around. It could be 6 months or a few years. She suggested I take her home and enjoy every day with her. I asked her about putting her on medication to control the seizures and she said if we did that she'd most likely become lethargic and her quality of life would diminish greatly. Gabby still loves to play and is very active. So she has a seizure once in a while. I can live with that.
I made a decision. I came home and told the girl's. We will enjoy our Gabby Girl for however long she's got. We'll love her, cuddle her and play catch with her, like we always have.
And then I thought about something. Medical bills aside, it's the same thing with people. We don't know how long we've got either. We don't have a clue how long we'll get to enjoy eachother, love, cuddle and play together.
Hmmm, maybe the Vet is on to something :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Memorial
Your memorial was beautiful. So many came to pay their respects to you. You were truly loved by your church, My Love. After I spoke and sang, Pastor Jim opened the floor for anyone to share something about how they felt about you or a special memory. Many, many people stood. They laughed, cried and shared something special about you, how you helped them and how missed you will be.
As Pastor Jim said, "anyone else?", I waited. I knew Tawni, your Bear Bear, had something to say and I was praying for God to give her strength. I knew she would regret it if she'd said nothing. Right at the last moment, she stood. I was so proud of her, Trud. You would have been too.
She talked about how excited she was to be moving in with you after your surgery. She was telling everyone about your conversations about the girls' nights, movie and popcorn nights that you were looking forward to together. She said you weren't just her mom's best friend, you were her "Aunt Trudy." She spoke of how blood or no blood, you were her family. It was precious. She loved you so much, My Love. And I know how much you loved her. She was your daughter too and I didn't mind sharing her with you.
After the service, countless people came to me and what do you think they said, "Oh, you favor each other so much, you could have been sisters." I said, "We were. We just had different parents."
Every morning, as I'm getting ready, I listen to our song. I'm planning a trip soon to "our" place. It will be hard to go alone, but I feel like it's something I need to do. I'm sure our favorite DJ will still be there and I'll ask him to play one in your honor. It's not easy going on without you. I still pick up the phone to call you and have so much I want to tell you, but I can't. Sometimes the pain is unbearable and other times, I'm in total peace. I'll continue doing what you thought I did best. Stand up for what I believe, antagonize religious people and use my past to help others make better choices for their future. You thought I was the "special" one. It was always you. You were the better of us. That's why He took you home first. He's still got so much work to do in me.
I love you, My Love. I miss you so much. It helps to know how much you're enjoying Heaven.
As Pastor Jim said, "anyone else?", I waited. I knew Tawni, your Bear Bear, had something to say and I was praying for God to give her strength. I knew she would regret it if she'd said nothing. Right at the last moment, she stood. I was so proud of her, Trud. You would have been too.
She talked about how excited she was to be moving in with you after your surgery. She was telling everyone about your conversations about the girls' nights, movie and popcorn nights that you were looking forward to together. She said you weren't just her mom's best friend, you were her "Aunt Trudy." She spoke of how blood or no blood, you were her family. It was precious. She loved you so much, My Love. And I know how much you loved her. She was your daughter too and I didn't mind sharing her with you.
After the service, countless people came to me and what do you think they said, "Oh, you favor each other so much, you could have been sisters." I said, "We were. We just had different parents."
Every morning, as I'm getting ready, I listen to our song. I'm planning a trip soon to "our" place. It will be hard to go alone, but I feel like it's something I need to do. I'm sure our favorite DJ will still be there and I'll ask him to play one in your honor. It's not easy going on without you. I still pick up the phone to call you and have so much I want to tell you, but I can't. Sometimes the pain is unbearable and other times, I'm in total peace. I'll continue doing what you thought I did best. Stand up for what I believe, antagonize religious people and use my past to help others make better choices for their future. You thought I was the "special" one. It was always you. You were the better of us. That's why He took you home first. He's still got so much work to do in me.
I love you, My Love. I miss you so much. It helps to know how much you're enjoying Heaven.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Your Memorial
Your memorial is tonight. I'm getting ready to leave for Atlanta. I know how much you loved your church family there. I'm so happy that they decided to honor your life by having this service for you. I will be speaking and singing again. It is my privilege to do this for you.
It's going to be hard seeing your house that sits right behind the church. We have so many memories there.
I miss you so much. I had something I needed to ask you about yesterday and I couldn't. I've heard there are 5 stages of grief. One being denial and another is anger. I think I'm stuck in between denial and anger. As long as I don't think about you being gone, I'm fine. It's like you're still here. But, then when I need to talk to you like yesterday, I get really pissed off because I realize you're not.
I love you, My Love. Forever. And ever. And ever. I'll let you know how tonight goes. Although, I'm sure I'll feel you there cheering me on.
It's going to be hard seeing your house that sits right behind the church. We have so many memories there.
I miss you so much. I had something I needed to ask you about yesterday and I couldn't. I've heard there are 5 stages of grief. One being denial and another is anger. I think I'm stuck in between denial and anger. As long as I don't think about you being gone, I'm fine. It's like you're still here. But, then when I need to talk to you like yesterday, I get really pissed off because I realize you're not.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thanks for the "Visit", My Love!
It's been a week today. I'm still in shock. Denial. And I'm really pissed. There are a couple of things I have to write or I may forget. Last Sunday, the morning of your viewing, I was getting ready and listening to our favorite, Donna Summer, on my IPod. I was on #3 when the IPod jumped to #12. Guess what song it was? I think you know. "Last Dance"!! I just stopped what I was doing, started laughing, dancing around my bedroom (noone was watching!) and then, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't believe we'll never dance that song again. I felt like you were in the room with me and you skipped to #12 on purpose. Is that weird? I felt comforted by it, then very sad. I searched everywhere for my Donna Summer CD. I can't find it. I want to listen to it in my car so I may have to buy another one. It just makes me feel so close to you.
Yesterday as I was getting ready for work, I looked everywhere for a pair of earrings I wanted to wear. I could only find one of the earrings. I searched again and again, but couldn't find the match. "Something" caused me to look over to a specific spot on my dresser, where I noticed my silver hoops. I never wear them and honestly don't remember the last time I saw them either. You were the one who loved hoops, not me! It made me smile just looking at them and it felt like you were willing me to wear them. I did. And, just for the record, they looked much better with my dress than the original pair I'd plan on wearing.
When I was ready and got into my car, guess what was sitting there? Yes, the other earring. How'd that get there? Hmmmm!? Look, I know where you are, so don't start worrying about me thinking I'm losing my mind or going to visit a psychic. That's not my style. No, I don't think you're floating around like a ghost either, but I do believe that God allows those os us left behind to "feel" and "know" that the ones we miss and love will never really leave us. Maybe it helps with the grieving process, I don't know. I just know that I like it!
I drove from there to a meeting I had with Chick-fil-A about food donations for our volunteer luncheon the next day. Before I walked in, as always, I prayed and asked God to be with me, give me favor and for you to get to tag along too. Within 15 minutes, they not only agreed to cater our entire event, free of charge, but I made a new friend. She cried when I told her about you.
We always had each other's back and I feel like you still do. So, keep it coming, My Love. I can't wait to see what's going to happen next!
"Morning Coffee"
The mornings are the hardest. How many years now has it been that we talk every morning on my way to work? I can't remember. Our "morning coffee" together.
When I went back to work today, the hardest part was not being able to talk to you on my way in. I knew you'd want me to go back though. You always were my greatest supporter and my personal cheerleader who cheered me on and encouraged me when, so many times, I just wanted to quit.
I know you'd want me back at work doing my part in making sure more and more babies and their mommy's would be saved from making a bad decision. So, I made the decision to get out of bed, get ready and go.
I love you, My Love. I'll be listening to "Last Dance" every morning and singing along with you.
Monday, July 18, 2011
My Love
We buried you today. It's hard to believe that just a week ago I met you at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning to hang with you before surgery. I thank God that I moved back here six weeks ago. God's timing is impeccable. He knew He was calling you home. How precious of Him to allow us so much time together these last few weeks. I'm so grateful that He brought us right up the road from each other once more! Our four day girls' sleepover last month rocked! Junk food, 70's music, Arby's, KFC, all that crap we both love so much! I thank God in Heaven for that time with you.
When they were wheeling you away on the gurney to surgery, you gave your famous thumbs up sign. You were crying. I knew you tried not to, but it's ok. I cried too. I know you were so scared. So was I, but I couldn't let you know it. I had to do my best to be your encouragement, your rock, your support throughout your illness, just as you have been to me so many times the past 25 years. You deserved no less of me.
I spoke at your service today and sang "This is the Air I Breathe". Terry picked it. I knew you loved that song and I know how much you loved to hear me sing. It was so difficult, my Love, but I did it. I don't remember everything I said, but I felt you there helping me through.
These past 3 years since you were first diagnosed, I never took it too serious. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was bad, I knew that it sucked, but I never wanted to believe that this could actually kill you. Ok, I'm lying, I might have thought about it for a minute, but I didn't allow myself to go there. I couldn't.
I told everyone today about our talk before your surgery. How you told me you were really scared this time and it felt "different". I told them how I said to you, "Trud, whatever happens, it's a win-win for you. If surgery doesn't go well, you win because you'll be with Him! And if it does and you are healthy again, you win because you get to stay with us." And you agreed. I have to confess, I believed it and I still do, but it still sucks that you're not here with me. That's the selfish nature in me coming out again. I know you're used to that.
I love you Trudy Taylor. We may not get that condo on the beach in our old age, but when I get there, maybe we can share a mansion.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Dear Trudy
You died yesterday at 8:56 a.m. Terry called me around 6:30 a.m. to tell me I needed to get to the hospital. I'm so sorry, I didn't get his message. My phone was off. Please forgive me. You know I would have wanted to have been there with you as you left to meet Him. I would have encouraged you and reassured you that we would be O.K. I didn't make it in time. When I arrived at 9:30, you were already gone. Please forgive me.
As I ran towards your room, I saw Tawni's face. I knew. I knew you were gone. Remember the scene in that movie where the woman screamed NO in the hospital when her daughter died that we watched? That was me. I yelled and couldn't breathe. I thought they had to be wrong. They weren't. You were gone. Terry was with you. Just as he should be.
I got to spend some time with you. Your hair felt so soft and curly in my hands. I've always loved your hair. You looked so peaceful and I felt you in that room. Like you were watching us. Is that weird? I've experienced so many emotions since yesterday, Trudy. For a minute, I'm fine and then I fall apart. Or I sense this peace come over me that is unexplainable. I've been picturing you hanging out with my Dad. If so, I know he loves you already. My dad always loved beautiful women! Tell him hi for me.
I miss you. I will always miss you. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have so much I want to tell you. Tell me what to do. I know you're doing great, I'm not worried about where you are or what you're doing, I'm just selfish and worried about how I'm supposed to do this without you. I need your wisdom, guidance and your ear! Damnit, I'm pissed!
This won't be my last letter to you. You know me, I'm going to have a lot to say. Thank you for always being patient and listening to me ramble and complain about my life or the drama in it. You never told me to shut up. I would have, but not you. Thank you for loving me the way you loved me. I didn't deserve you.
Noone knows the things about me like you do. Nobody. I always felt safe telling you everything that was going on in my life or in my head. What am I going to do now? I'm sorry, here I go again trying to make something about me. I'm happy for you, my Love. I'm just sad for the rest of us.
I love you.
MYYYYYYYY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!
Twenty five years ago, my life changed forever. I was working in a mall pre-selling gym memberships and right across from my store was a tanning salon. One morning, this huge wrestler and his tiny wife walked in. She was strikingly beautiful with her long, thick black hair and porcelain skin. You know how us women are! We check out beautiful women, probably more than men do! Ok, maybe not:).
When they emerged from the salon, Terry, her husband, started talking to the guys I worked with. That left Trudy and I standing there. It wasn't for long. We started talking and weren't finished by the time Terry was ready to leave. We found out that we lived basically next door to eachother and exchanged phone numbers on the spot. We've been the very best of friends ever since. With all sincerity, Trudy showed me Christ. She knew EVERYTHING about me, the good, the bad and the ugly. She loved me anyway. We teased a lot that we were the real Gayle and Oprah (without all the lesbian rumors!). Without fail, when I called her or she called me, we answered with "MY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEE!!!!
A chance meeting in the middle of a mall! God is so good.
This blog would be more like a book if I wrote about all the times we've shared together during our beautiful friendship. One day I might do it anyway.
Trudy has two sons. Don is 31 and Cody is 22. She adored and loved her sons like any good mother does. She doted, encouraged, laughed and played with her boys all day long. She not only was an amazing wife to Terry, she was an exceptional mother to her boys. Trudy's boys are both special needs. They will always need to live at home. She never complained about her life. She never showed the frustration that she would be raising these boys all of her life. Her sadness was that her boys would never enjoy a 'normal' life. Or the fact that she would never get to experience being a grandmother. I know that's why she LOVED, truly LOVED being around my 4 girls and my granddaughter. She thanked me many times for allowing her to be a part of their lives. It was a blessing more for us, than Trudy, but that's not how she looked at it.
Trudy didn't want to die. She told me this numerous times over and over again. I would make my usual jokes and even tell her to "shut up, you're going to outlive us all girl!" And then we'd laugh, like so many other times.
Please understand that it wasn't the dying that scared her. She loved Jesus with all her heart and longed to be out of pain. But, it was leaving her boys behind that terrified her. We spent a glorious four days together just last month decorating my new place and she talked about her greatest fear was that noone could love or care for the boys like she did. With tears in her eyes, she said, "I have to outlive Cody, Vic". I reassured her that God was going to take care of everything and she had to trust Him.
I know people are saying "she's in a better place", "she's not in pain anymore", "God needed another angel", etc. I understand and I know they mean well. I KNOW Heaven is a better place, but she did not want to die. She wanted to be here with all of us until she didn't feel her boys needed her anymore.
Finally, we were living close again after 23 years. We were so excited about our "girl sleepovers", our next Chateau Elan trip and all the crazy other things we planned.
This wasn't supposed to happen. But it did. I find myself calling her voicemail just to hear 2 seconds of that voice. That beautiful voice that calmed me so many times in my life. That voice that admonished me when appropriate, or rejoiced with me when we talked about how blessed we were to be mothers and friends.
15 years ago, Trudy and I had made a pact. We decided, (provided that statistics don't lie and women do live longer than men), that whether it be our 80's or 90's, we were going to rent a beautiful condo on the beach to live out the rest of our lives together. We said we'd be the Golden Girls. We laughed about this a lot.
Trudy Taylor was so proud of me. She loved to tell me so. She was proud to call me her friend, and proud of the work I've dedicated my life to. She so loved to travel with me and hear me speak and without fail, would cry each and everytime I spoke or sang somewhere. She was my greatest cheerleader, supporter and never stopped loving me even when I did the most studidest thing. She was a walking Jesus to so many. She loved unconditionally and lit up every room she walked into. She truly loved her husband, her boys, her Mom and family, my girls and me. I know that she did. I know that they know that she did. It's funny because Trudy loved to go on and on about "I wish I could be more like you, Vic, talk in front of people, save babies, she would go on and on and tell me how much she admired me" I would look at her dumbfounded and say, "are you seriously kidding me? Ok, yes, I'm blessed to do what I do, but it's YOU who are my hero. It's me who admires you! You've always been the rock for everyone, you're the sensible one, the best of us all". She'd say, "Really? Do you really think I've made a difference in anybody's life?" I would say, "well, I can't speak for anybody else, but look at how you've made one in mine!" Trudy really didn't know how wonderful she was. She was one of the kindest women I've ever known. Terry told me last night that he's received over 100 emails and phone calls of support. If you met her once, you didn't forget her.
This will be a tough road for many. God will help us through. He has to.
Trudy Kay Davidson Taylor, you are and will forever be my Golden Girl. And you were always the better of the two of us. I love you, MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LOOOOOOOOOVE!
Monday, May 23, 2011
"Am I Dreaming?"
The day is here. It's finally here and I find myself speechless. It's surreal. I have prayed continually for 3 years for this day to come and wondered if it ever would. So many of my precious family and friends have believed and prayed right along with me. I can't thank them enough (you know who you are). I daydreamed about how I would feel, how it would look and how I would act. I don't think it will hit me until we are driving on I-10 and looking back and waving good-bye.
Today, I'm moving "home" to Tennessee and I'm just completely speechless. I think I'm afraid I'll wake up. Teryn says it will hit her when I call her from the truck. Tawni seemed shocked yesterday that we are actually coming!
I wasn't born in Tennessee and only lived there for a few years. But it's home to me. It's the place where Tawni, Teryn, Chad and Salem live. Where my incredible, lifelong friends, Val and Trudy, live (and their amazing families!). It's only a 6 hour drive to where my daughter Kendra attends college and where I can begin my visits again with my Granny, Uncle Alan, Ann and friends in North Carolina.
Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? As I sit here staring outside the window, there it is. The moving truck loaded to the brim. There was no room for all our stuff, so I had to leave some of it behind. It bothered me a lot and then I thought "Stop caring about this stuff, you're going home to what really matters!"
Our Arizona home is now empty. All that fills the walls now are the memories we created over the past 3 years. I admit, this never felt like home to me, only a stop-over. These last 3 years have dragged by for me. Being away has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, although I know the Lord did not bring me here in vain. I've learned so much about myself, my family and what is really important.
Yes, "Home" is where the people you love the most are and that's where I'm going today. Home. Home. There's no place like home.
I'm coming girls. Mommy's coming.
Today, I'm moving "home" to Tennessee and I'm just completely speechless. I think I'm afraid I'll wake up. Teryn says it will hit her when I call her from the truck. Tawni seemed shocked yesterday that we are actually coming!
I wasn't born in Tennessee and only lived there for a few years. But it's home to me. It's the place where Tawni, Teryn, Chad and Salem live. Where my incredible, lifelong friends, Val and Trudy, live (and their amazing families!). It's only a 6 hour drive to where my daughter Kendra attends college and where I can begin my visits again with my Granny, Uncle Alan, Ann and friends in North Carolina.
Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? As I sit here staring outside the window, there it is. The moving truck loaded to the brim. There was no room for all our stuff, so I had to leave some of it behind. It bothered me a lot and then I thought "Stop caring about this stuff, you're going home to what really matters!"
Our Arizona home is now empty. All that fills the walls now are the memories we created over the past 3 years. I admit, this never felt like home to me, only a stop-over. These last 3 years have dragged by for me. Being away has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, although I know the Lord did not bring me here in vain. I've learned so much about myself, my family and what is really important.
Yes, "Home" is where the people you love the most are and that's where I'm going today. Home. Home. There's no place like home.
I'm coming girls. Mommy's coming.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Happy 15th Birthday Kolby Girl!
Today I celebrate the birth of my youngest daughter, who was my pleasant surprise. One morning while driving to visit my Mom and Granny, I had this strange sensation to stop at a drug store and pick up a pregnancy test. I wasn't late, but somehow, I just KNEW. I didn't say anything to Mom or Granny, I walked in Mom's house, said hi to them and announced, "I've got to pee."
I went into the bathroom, took the test and walked out with it, looked at the two of them, held it up and said, "Guess what?" They were very happy. I, on the other hand, was shocked.
This was totally unexpected. I thought I was done. My youngest, at the time, was Kendra, who was 3. Tawni and Kendra had been hoping for another baby. So, I knew when I told her and Tawni that I was pregnant, they would be thrilled. I also knew telling Teryn would be a different story, so I needed to pick just the right time. I decided when I picked her up from school, I would tell her. She was in the back seat with her best friend, Lacey. Maybe she wouldn't react so badly in front of her friend. I was wrong. She was not happy and she made sure I knew it! But since the day of Kolby's birth, Teryn has treated her as her own! She adores her. I know that Teryn couldn't imagine her life without Kolby, like all of us, but I will never forget that day! I'm sure Teryn remembers it too!
Kendra decided that I was having twins. She'd walk around the house singing, "Mommie's having two babies, Mommie's having two babies! There are two babies in your belly!" I kept saying, "Stop saying that!" She wouldn't. One night, I started bleeding. I was terrified. I called the doctor. He told me to stay in bed and come to his office first thing in the morning. When we arrived, he took us back and did an ultrasound (Kendra was with us, listening to every word the doctor said). I cried, "I lost the baby, didn't I?" He said, "Yes, you did lose one. But, this one is doing just fine." I said, "This one?!?" Once again, I was shocked.
When we got to the parking lot, Kendra stopped. She threw her hands out and said, "Wait a minute! You mean there were two babies in your belly and now there's just one?" "Yes, Kendra", I answered. "Are you sad, Mommy?" "Yes, sweetie, but I'm happy too, cause Mommy is still having a baby!" She looked at me, put her hands on her hips and said, "SEE!! I told you there were two babies in your belly! You didn't believe me! My baby brother is in Heaven and my baby sister is in your belly!" I was speechless. And I wasn't about to argue with her.
Seven months later, on May 14, 1996, Kendra's prophetic word came true! With Teryn and Tawni beside me, encouraging me to push, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy 7lb baby girl. We had been taking bets all day about what time she'd be born. Tawni won! She said 10:38 p.m. and that's when Kolby made her entrance into the world! My little baby girl laid in the hospital nursery for two days while we decided what to name her. We were fighting over Kelsey or Kolby. Obviously, we chose Kolby and I'm glad we did. It fits her. Kolby Alexandra. She's been a blessing in our lives ever since. What can I say about the "Kolby Girl"? She's genuine, compassionate, caring, hilarious, sensitive, smart, organized (her clothes are color coordinated!) and even a talented chef! She made me Chicken Alfredo for Mother's Day and it was delicious! She plays sports and dress up. She says she likes to play sports for her twin brother and dress up cause she's still a girly girl! The kid is talented! We all love and spoil her like crazy and she's a joy to everyone who meets her. Fifteen! You'll be driving next year! May the Lord God help me! May the Lord help us all!! I love you!
This was totally unexpected. I thought I was done. My youngest, at the time, was Kendra, who was 3. Tawni and Kendra had been hoping for another baby. So, I knew when I told her and Tawni that I was pregnant, they would be thrilled. I also knew telling Teryn would be a different story, so I needed to pick just the right time. I decided when I picked her up from school, I would tell her. She was in the back seat with her best friend, Lacey. Maybe she wouldn't react so badly in front of her friend. I was wrong. She was not happy and she made sure I knew it! But since the day of Kolby's birth, Teryn has treated her as her own! She adores her. I know that Teryn couldn't imagine her life without Kolby, like all of us, but I will never forget that day! I'm sure Teryn remembers it too!
Kendra decided that I was having twins. She'd walk around the house singing, "Mommie's having two babies, Mommie's having two babies! There are two babies in your belly!" I kept saying, "Stop saying that!" She wouldn't. One night, I started bleeding. I was terrified. I called the doctor. He told me to stay in bed and come to his office first thing in the morning. When we arrived, he took us back and did an ultrasound (Kendra was with us, listening to every word the doctor said). I cried, "I lost the baby, didn't I?" He said, "Yes, you did lose one. But, this one is doing just fine." I said, "This one?!?" Once again, I was shocked.
When we got to the parking lot, Kendra stopped. She threw her hands out and said, "Wait a minute! You mean there were two babies in your belly and now there's just one?" "Yes, Kendra", I answered. "Are you sad, Mommy?" "Yes, sweetie, but I'm happy too, cause Mommy is still having a baby!" She looked at me, put her hands on her hips and said, "SEE!! I told you there were two babies in your belly! You didn't believe me! My baby brother is in Heaven and my baby sister is in your belly!" I was speechless. And I wasn't about to argue with her.
Seven months later, on May 14, 1996, Kendra's prophetic word came true! With Teryn and Tawni beside me, encouraging me to push, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy 7lb baby girl. We had been taking bets all day about what time she'd be born. Tawni won! She said 10:38 p.m. and that's when Kolby made her entrance into the world! My little baby girl laid in the hospital nursery for two days while we decided what to name her. We were fighting over Kelsey or Kolby. Obviously, we chose Kolby and I'm glad we did. It fits her. Kolby Alexandra. She's been a blessing in our lives ever since. What can I say about the "Kolby Girl"? She's genuine, compassionate, caring, hilarious, sensitive, smart, organized (her clothes are color coordinated!) and even a talented chef! She made me Chicken Alfredo for Mother's Day and it was delicious! She plays sports and dress up. She says she likes to play sports for her twin brother and dress up cause she's still a girly girl! The kid is talented! We all love and spoil her like crazy and she's a joy to everyone who meets her. Fifteen! You'll be driving next year! May the Lord God help me! May the Lord help us all!! I love you!
All I can say now is, thank God for His little surprises!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Happy Birthday Tawni "Bear"!
Twenty five years ago, I was working at a hospital emergency room when I realized I was a little "late". I asked one of the doctors (one of the perks working at a hospital!) if he would order a pregnancy blood test. I knew this was the quickest, surest way to know for sure. I went to the lab, had a vial of blood drawn and then all I could do was wait for the results. It didn't come before my shift was over so I would have to continue my wait at home. It was the longest 2 hours of my life!
The phone rang. I grabbed it before the second ring! "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" This was definitely a surprise, but a pleasant one. I was shocked, but smiling at the same time. I was going to have a baby! This baby would be joining her sister in about 7 months.
Without going into a lot of details, her arrival didn't come without some challenges. I almost lost her several times throughout my pregnancy.
But, we made it. And, fifteen hours into labor, the nurse checked me and said, "You have several more hours to go, so just try to relax. It's going to be awhile." Literally, within minutes after she left my hospital room (I'm not kidding, it was minutes!), I looked over at her father (who was sitting in a chair reading a magazine!) and said, "Something's happened. This baby is ready!" He said, "No, it's not. The nurse said it would be awhile. You're wrong." He went back to his magazine! I screamed, "Go and get her!" He still didn't move. I pressed my nurse call button. She came back and checked me. And, guess what, there she was, my baby girl, ready to make her entrance into the world!
On that momentus day, 26 years ago, May 5, 1985 at 3:26 p.m., I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, 7lb 9oz baby girl named Tawni Blair.
And she has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Tawni is beautiful, gifted, talented, free spirited, genuine, funny, compassionate and has a heart like no one I've ever known. I am blessed that God chose my womb to carry her for 9 months (more like 10 since the little brat was late!).
Twenty six years! Tawni, you are not only my daughter or your sister's sister, you are a woman and now a Nurse! It blows my mind. My gosh, time flies. Seems like yesterday you were getting stuck in the dryer, picking your nose, making family videos or sneaking out of the house! Oh wait, it was just yesterday! LOL! Just look at you! You are a beautiful, wonderful human being who travels to places where you see a need. You just returned from your 3rd trip from Haiti doing what you do best, helping and serving others. And, despite the challenges you've faced over the past 2 years, perservered through nursing school. You are truly an inspiration to me and so many others!
So, Happy Birthday, my Tawni "Bear". You truly are one of the greatest accomplishments in my life and one of the best things I've ever done. I could not be more proud to be called your mommy. I don't deserve you, but, like it or not, you're stuck with me. I am your mother and you are my daughter. I've got the stretch marks to prove it! (I'm sure you miss hearing that, huh?!) I am blessed to be your mother.
I love you. High as the sky, deep as the sea and all the air that's in between.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Salem and Me
I skype with my granddaughter every chance I get, which if I'm lucky, is daily. My goal is at least once a day, but sometimes I beg her Mommy (my daughter) for 2 or 3 skype visits! The love I have for this tiny, 2 ft, 30 lb. little girl can't be described in words. She and I share a special bond that I can't explain. Teryn said when they were at the Mac store the other day, Salem was pointing at the laptops yelling, "Mimi!!!". The sales guys asked Teryn what she was talking about. Teryn replied, "Oh, she thinks her Mimi is in every computer." Sad, isn't it?
During our skyping visit the other day, I "felt" myself being lifted up and taken somewhere. She does this often while we're skyping. She will "carry" me into her playroom, sit the computer on the floor and we "cook" or read a book together. I cherish my times with Salem. Of course, I'd rather be there physically, but for now, I must try and be content with the time I can get with her.
On this day, as she "carried" me away saying "c'mon Mimi!", Teryn watched her to see where she was "taking" me. She struggled with the computer because it's not the lightest thing for a 20 month old to carry! I waited, wondering where I'd end up this time. Then, she did it. She carefully placed me where she wanted me. It broke our hearts. We smiled and cried at the same time. Teryn was able to capture the moment in this picture. Salem's daddy is a musician in Nashville and she loves to listen as he sings and plays his guitar.
Apparently, she loves hanging out in his guitar case too. And this time, she brought Mimi along.
Monday, March 14, 2011
"Sound Therapy and The Like"
This past Friday, my youngest daughter flew to NC for her spring break visit. This meant that George and I would have a week without children. Although we both love our kids, we also cherish our "alone" time.
I asked George what he thought about going up to Bisbee for the day. It's one of our favorite places to visit, which is surprising since you wouldn't consider us as the "Bisbee Kind". He agreed it was a great idea, so we made the necessary arrangements. The next morning, we were on our way. Traveling to Bisbee is a short, hour and a half drive for us, a great time for conversation and beautiful scenery.
Before we'd headed out, I'd checked the happenings going on in Bisbee for the weekend. My husband (an ex-hippy) was thrilled when I told him there was a tribute concert to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd that night (which was fantastic, by the way!). I also told him about a clinic I'd read about offering free massages! He was happy for me, knowing how much I love a good massage.
When we arrived in Bisbee, we parked, checked into our hotel room and began exploring the town, searching for the clinic. The steep hill we climbed to reach it only motivated us more. When we arrved, the "therapists" looked thrilled to see us! Seemed they hadn't had much traffic that day. We were thrilled too, as George and I were more than ready for our free massages!
We filled out some paperwork and then I was escorted by a gentlemen for my "sound therapy", (sound what?!) while my husband was taken for his Reiki Treatment (Reiki Who?!). OK, this was not what we were expecting. No offense to anyone who gets something out of these types of treatments, but the sound treatment was a wasted 20 minutes of my life and the Reiki Treatment was, let's just say interesting. Well, what did I expect? After all, we were in Bisbee, AZ, a town filled with new age religion, psychics, card readings and other alternative lifestyles.
Needless to say, upon our departure from the "clinic", my neck still hurt and I think my husband wanted to strangle it, but we laughed all the way back to our hotel.
It was a great way to start the weekend!
I asked George what he thought about going up to Bisbee for the day. It's one of our favorite places to visit, which is surprising since you wouldn't consider us as the "Bisbee Kind". He agreed it was a great idea, so we made the necessary arrangements. The next morning, we were on our way. Traveling to Bisbee is a short, hour and a half drive for us, a great time for conversation and beautiful scenery.
Before we'd headed out, I'd checked the happenings going on in Bisbee for the weekend. My husband (an ex-hippy) was thrilled when I told him there was a tribute concert to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd that night (which was fantastic, by the way!). I also told him about a clinic I'd read about offering free massages! He was happy for me, knowing how much I love a good massage.
When we arrived in Bisbee, we parked, checked into our hotel room and began exploring the town, searching for the clinic. The steep hill we climbed to reach it only motivated us more. When we arrved, the "therapists" looked thrilled to see us! Seemed they hadn't had much traffic that day. We were thrilled too, as George and I were more than ready for our free massages!
We filled out some paperwork and then I was escorted by a gentlemen for my "sound therapy", (sound what?!) while my husband was taken for his Reiki Treatment (Reiki Who?!). OK, this was not what we were expecting. No offense to anyone who gets something out of these types of treatments, but the sound treatment was a wasted 20 minutes of my life and the Reiki Treatment was, let's just say interesting. Well, what did I expect? After all, we were in Bisbee, AZ, a town filled with new age religion, psychics, card readings and other alternative lifestyles.
Needless to say, upon our departure from the "clinic", my neck still hurt and I think my husband wanted to strangle it, but we laughed all the way back to our hotel.
It was a great way to start the weekend!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
"GOOD INTENTIONS"
Mine was "Tommy Dog", hers was "Bandit". It started out as a great idea. A mother/daughter event that we would cherish forever, an event that would help us to bond and appreciate our surroundings. The mountains are beautiful here in Arizona. The wildlife everywhere. Sunsets are magnificent and you never know what you'll see. I would consider myself in fairly good shape. I'm an adventurous person, who enjoys spontaneity and trying new things. I'm that person who never backs down from a challenge or believes in that "it can't be done" attitude.
This morning, while my precious daughter was still sleeping, I had an idea. I made the call, booked the appointment. Then, I woke her up to tell her! She was less than enthusiastic, but tried not to let it show. She knew this was a big deal for me. Secretly, she was interested, but she's 15, so she can't show it. It's in the teenage rule book, of which she knows by heart.
We arrived 5 minutes early. I paid the bill. It was time. They asked a few questions and based on our answers, selected the perfect choice for us. We were starting to get nervous. Ok, it's going to be fine. This is safe. A beautiful afternoon, with great scenery and excellent weather. This was going to be great! We are about to create memories that will last a lifetime!
Well, we were right and we were wrong. Our Mommy/Daughter Adventure didn't turn out quite as I'd expected it to. For one thing, I can't walk. My daughter hasn't stopped complaining about how sore she is and has sworn off these kinds of outings forever. She refuses to participate ever again, not just with me, but her future husband, best friend or anybody else who asks. Her exact words, "Mommy, I'm not a country girl, I'm a city girl. Screw that country, cowgirl thing. Never again."
Yes, their names were "Tommy Boy" and "Bandit", or as my daughter affectionately calls them, "Demons".
And, we made a memory alright. We've got the bruises to prove it.
Monday, January 10, 2011
It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Zimmerman
By now, you've heard about the horrific events that happened in Tucson. Another unspeakable act that changes the lives of the victims, their families, our city and our country. We first heard the news from our daughter, Kolby. Busy taking down the Christmas decorations, we hadn't even turned the television on. Kolby received a text from her friend Alex telling her that Gabby Giffords, a congresswoman here in AZ, had been shot and killed (as reports first reported). We immediately turned on the news and there it was. Talk of the devastation and carnage. I was glued to the television. The Christmas decorations would have to wait for another day.
All day long, we watched and waited to hear more news. We wondered if anyone we knew had attended the event. I remember thinking and hoping that the congresswoman's aide that I'd met wasn't there. But, then hours later, they began naming some of those who'd died. And then his picture appeared on the screen. I recognized him immediately. When they said his name, I ran upstairs to my office to check the business card. I was hoping it wasn't him, even though I knew.
Gabe Zimmerman, 30 years old and engaged to be married to his girlfriend, Kelly O'Brien in April 2012. I was just shocked. I couldn't believe it.
Gabe came to my office for a 10am meeting to hear all about the work my staff and I were doing regarding abstinence til marriage education and positive youth development. A one hour meeting turned into 5 1/2. He was so inquisitive and wanted to hear every detail about what we were doing. He toured the facilities and asked one question after another. We talked about my home back east. He talked about how much he loved his job and felt privileged to be working in an area where he could make a difference. He was just an overall great guy. Gabe left a huge impression on me. He followed up the next day and thanked me for spending time with him and even took time out of his busy schedule weeks later to sit in on a classroom to hear educators actually teaching the abstinence til marriage message. He was blown away and told me he couldn't wait to tell Ms. Giffords about the work we were doing and the difference it was making. He agreed that we had to do something to keep teenagers from engaging in sexual activity and suffering the consequences of it. And, now, he's gone. In a 10 second shooting spree. It's surreal. I barely knew this guy, but in the short time that I spent with him, everything that I've read or heard his colleagues say about him is true. He loved people, his country, his boss, colleagues and his work.
My heart goes out to his family, friends and his fiance. But, also to this country. He's the kind of guy that you really believe could have made a difference. But, I believe he still left a legacy.
It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Zimmerman.
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