Thursday, March 23, 2017

There is Healing in the Waiting

My last serious relationship ended five years ago.  I believed he was "the one", my "person".  With 100% certainty, I was so sure I'd heard God confirm this was it.  I was the woman who spoke at women's conferences warning women to choose wisely their partner, look for the warning signs, etc. etc., yet I fell prey myself.  It was a huge blow to my ego and an earth shattering event for me, when a few years into the relationship, things began to unravel.  I was devastated.  I began to question everything I taught, knew and believed.  It was one of the hardest, most brutally painful things I've ever gone through in my life and took a few years to recover.

When others found out I was single again, I began receiving invitations to dinner, concerts, etc. Some of these invites came from amazing, wonderful, great guys, of which some are still friends today. But, I wasn't ready then, nor even considering bringing another man into my life during this much needed process of taking care of myself.  I was wise enough to recognize my heart and head needed complete healing before I should consider entering into another relationship.  Determined to figure out what happened, how I'd allowed it to happen, my part in all of it and lastly, why I saw the signs so clearly in front of me, yet ignored them.  I had my own work cut out for me.

During this time of reflection, it would have been incredibly selfish to expect someone else to deal with my broken, wounded heart and fragile ego.  I was fully aware the Only One who could bring the healing I needed was God. And, I was dead set on allowing Him to do what He needed within me for the restoration I so desperately longed for.  Today, several years later, I can say with complete conviction, He did not let me down.  He never has.  He is the One Constant in my life.

I will be forever grateful for the time I've taken for myself, rather than rushing into another relationship. On those days I was feeling lonely or undesirable, it would've been easy to rush into something, but it would have been disastrous. I'm convinced making the conscious choice to be alone was much braver than rushing into the arms of someone else.  I didn't want to use a man's attention as a distraction to help me forget.  The pain I needed to work through was a pain I had to feel and learn from.  Most of us tend to fill our lives with busyness to bury the hard stuff, but we're only prolonging the inevitable.  If you think you won't take your same crap into the next relationship, you are sadly mistaken.  If you don't deal with it, it will come back to bite you later.  We must deal with our crap. There's no getting around it.  Period.  

Too many people think jumping into another relationship after a life-altering break-up is the best way to "move on".  I must disagree.  Of course, I suppose, there are exceptions to the rule, but I'm a firm believer a healed mind and heart prove a better gift to offer someone else, rather than a broken or confused one.

I'd heard many times, "When you can be content with yourself by being alone, you'll make a better partner".  To be honest, I thought it was crap, the stupidest thing I'd ever heard.  I was wrong.  I get it. These past several years, I can attest being alone was the best gift I've ever given myself.  It will be a gift my future partner will be forever thankful for as well.  Healing is an ongoing process, but if you'll allow Him, He will replace your gaping wound with a scar.

Because of my childhood and growing up with a father who needed constant rescuing, I fell into the trap, as so many do, of falling for the guy I needed to "help" or "fix".   This is a recipe for disaster. What I've learned the hard way is I can't "fix" or "save" anyone.  That's not my job.  That position belongs to God and Him alone.  And, it only works when that person is ready, willing and able to allow Him to do so.

Although, it would be nice for all of us to go through life without a broken heart, it's impossible.  Life is hard, but never forget, God is Good.  We must come to the realization where we've come from, what we've gone through or where we've been contributes to who we become.  Whatever your past or circumstance, you can choose better over bitter.  We can choose to learn from or ignore mistakes.  It's our choice.  But, don't fool yourselves.  The choice you make will determine the life you have.

It wasn't an easy path choosing to take a long, hard look at myself, investing the time, energy and hard work to allow God to "fix" and heal me.  But, I knew I had no choice if I wanted my life to be filled with more joy than sorrow.  

During these past couple years, as I've taken baby steps to "put myself out there", I've had plenty of opportunities for dating.  But, what's been different this time is I pay attention.  I notice the "red flags".  Some of the same issues I ignored in the past, I now take serious.  I take them as God's message to me "This isn't him".

It's taken me years to understand who I am and what I want.  And, it's been quite a liberating experience!  Of course, I'm still open to surprises, but I've a very good idea of the kind of man who's a right fit for me.  Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself the same question?  It matters.

One of the most important decisions we'll ever make is who we spend our lives with, yet too many of us make these decisions hastily or without serious thought.   Remember, it is better to be single than wish you were.

I still believe in marriage and have the utmost respect for this sacred covenant.  No one will ever convince me marriages can't work.  I know many happily, married couples.  Some just need to be more patient than others, rather than rushing or choosing the wrong person.

I hope this encourages those of you hurting or just recovering from a break-up or divorce. Take the time to heal.  It's hard to hear that, I understand, but you and your future partner will be better for it. Enjoy being alone.  Get to know yourself.  Take care of you before trying to take care of someone else.  Seek help if you need it.  Don't walk this lonely path alone.  Trust God in the process.  If the desire of your heart is to be married for the first time, or again, He is Faithful.  But, be patient and make the most of your time in the waiting. 

I decided to write this blog to encourage others, but also because of something I was asked just a couple days ago.  A dear friend pulled me aside, "Victoria, do you pray for the man who will one day be your husband?"  To be honest, I was a little taken aback by her question.  I answered yes.  She said, "What do you pray?"  I told her I prayed wherever he is for God to keep him safe, guard his heart, prosper him, take care of him and help him to find me when we're both ready.    

She then said something to me I'd never considered and caught me by surprise. "Did you know he prays the same things for you everyday?  Do you realize and understand how much he wants to find you?  He's asking God, "Where is she?  Please lead me to her." She said, "Vic, your future husband is longing to love and honor you for the rest of his life.  He can't wait to hold and kiss you.  He is anticipating an amazing life with you. He's refusing to settle until he finds you and you shouldn't either. You're going to make him the happiest man in the world and he will do the same for you."

Wow. For whatever reason, this blew my mind.  At that moment, I envisioned a man praying, believing and waiting patiently for me.  It made my heart smile.   I got kind of excited, if I'm being honest.  

This had never crossed my mind.  Maybe I wasn't ready to hear it before, I don't know, but it struck me.  It's endearing to think about a man praying for me too, when we possibly haven't even met yet. I felt like he was already honoring, protecting and valuing me.  In that moment, I also felt safe and loved. Yes, it's true.  I'm waiting for him and it's pretty amazing to know somewhere out there, he's waiting for me too.

And, I'm looking forward to the day he finds me.  :)






Tuesday, March 21, 2017

May I Introduce Myself?

I've been Victoria Koloff for over 27 years.  I inherited the name when I married my daughters' father. We're not married anymore, nor have been for over a decade.

Since three of my daughters' are now married and I suspect my youngest, who turns 21 next month, will be married one day as well, I've decided I no longer need or want to use the last name, "Koloff". After our divorce, I kept it for my girls' sake, but they're women now and it's time.  I've looked forward to this for a long time.   

Even though it's going to be a pain in the butt to change documents, business cards and social media accounts, the decision is made and I'm convinced the hassle will be well worth it.

I was born in Hickory, N.C. on June 2.   My parent's named me Robin Victoria Robinson.  Although, I'll continue using my middle name Victoria, I will immediately begin using my maiden name Robinson.  I understand it will take some time getting used to, but I feel strongly it's the right thing to do. Little by little, I'll be making the changes necessary on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.  My name may not be available on some sites, so I'll take my time deciding how to proceed when faced with those challenges.  I hope you'll be patient and I won't confuse you too much!

The reason I felt the need to explain?  Because I knew I'd be bombarded with well meaning messages of "Did you get married?" "Congratulations!"  "Who's the lucky guy?"  "When did you meet him?"  etc., etc.  

Nope.  I'm not getting married.  Nope.  My lucky guy hasn't shown up yet.  Nope.  I'm not hiding or running from someone!  It's pretty simple.  I just want my name back.  Same woman. Same work. Same passions.  Rest assured, the next, very last time, I ever change my name again will be when I have a really good reason to do so.

Until then........

Hello!  May I introduce myself!?  I'm Victoria Robinson.  

It's nice to meet you :)