Wednesday, February 14, 2018

The Big "V" Day!

Today is Valentine's Day! The day of romance, chocolates, balloons, flowers and love! For some of you singles, it's your worst nightmare and the most dreaded day of your life, causing break outs in a sweat, hyperventilating or sobbing in the fetal position, all while watching movies like "The Notebook"! (Big mistake, by the way).  Some of my single friends even requested no phone calls or texts today because they need to be alone.

I live by the motto "it's better to be single, than wish you were!"  If you're consumed with thoughts of "where is she/he?", may I encourage you instead to look at the positives of your singleness in the waiting period?  Don't hear what I'm not saying.  I'm not downplaying how hard the single life can be.  I get it.  But, I'm only asking you to consider something.  Don't you think it's past time you stopped wasting away in self-pity just because you don't have someone to share the bathroom!?

Here's my first piece of advice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Not only is it sad and pathetic, it's very unattractive. There are worse things than being single.  Why not embrace this time and make the most of it? Get to know yourself, figure out who you are, what you like, don't like or even what you are or aren't willing to compromise. This way, as you're meeting potential partners, you'll know if he/she is a good match for you and have a better chance to recognize the "red flags", which will save you valuable time, disappointment and possible heartache.

Let this sink in for a moment.  Some people are happier being single! Maybe they were in painful or miserable marriages and now they can finally breathe.  Sure, there are those lonely times, but being part of a "couple" doesn't mean you'll never be lonely, nor is it a guarantee your life will be "complete".  I don't care what Tom Cruise says, you can't expect someone else to make you whole! Besides, another person will only "complete" you for a time.  Once the Oxytocin wears off, you'll need more substance for the long haul, hence why it's so critical to know yourself AND the other person well, long before committing to a lifetime together.  I believe you must have at least some things in common with a potential partner, but this doesn't necessarily mean you should be exactly alike.  Personally, I don't want to be with the male version of myself.  Sure, we need commonalities, but I want my future partner to bring something different into our relationship, as I would hope I would bring something new to him as well. To me, this will only help both of us grow, stretch and step out of our comfort zones by trying something we've never tried before.  Opposites attract, but eventually, they may repel!  More people should stop being in such a hurry or believing in the lie "this could be the best I'm ever going to get, so I might as well".  There are plenty of reasons why this kind of mindset is not a good idea.  It's never wise to settle.  You'll both pay for it in the long run.

A life partner should bring out the best in you, encourage, support and love you unconditionally, despite your flaws, imperfections or your past. He or she should be someone you can trust explicitly with your thoughts or feelings, someone you can wholeheartedly trust even when they're away from you.  Someone who shares the same interests, along with similar morals and values.  I don't know about you, but I want my lifelong partner to be my best friend too!  To me, these attributes are very important.  But, demanding another human being "complete" you is way too much pressure on your partner and frankly, impossible to achieve.  This kind of security comes from within. You've got to love yourself before you can love someone else.  When you're filled with a sense of self-worth and your identity doesn't come from a person, you're much better off, more desirable and more fulfilled.  Look, people will always let you down, even in the best relationships, but when you're sure of who you are, your world won't fall apart when it happens.  And it will happen.  Others will disappoint you, just as you will disappoint others. And, it will hurt, but it doesn't have to be the end.  This is one of the reasons why, I believe, it's wise to find a sense of contentment in yourself, besides looking for it solely in your partner.

For me, it starts with my faith.  I find my strength from God's opinion of me, not other people.  There are those who hold me in high esteem, but, still others who do not.  For that reason, I choose to believe who God says I am. You'll have so much more to offer someone when you truly have the security of knowing you're enough. Confidence is sexy!  If you're constantly telling yourself, "when I'm a couple, then I'll do this or that" or "when I meet him/her, I'll be fulfilled" or "when I lose 10 lbs., then I'll be good", or the greatest lie of all, "if I just had a husband/wife, then I'd be happy"!  You're only kidding and torturing yourself!  And, the great news?!  You don't have to wait until you're part of a couple to be whole!  However, your outcome and how you see yourself starts with you and what you choose to do about it.

Why not try making the best out of your single life while you're in it?  Granted, my life doesn't resemble anything out of "Sex and the City" (nor would I want it to, although I do love Carrie's wardrobe!), but I've learned so much about myself and frankly, it's been quite liberating.  So, stop waiting till you're in a relationship to enjoy all that life has to offer! Get out and live!  Go to that concert, movie, play or take that trip you've always wanted to take!  Treat yourself.  Your future partner will appreciate you're secure in who you are.  I've been in a relationship with an insecure man before, who was jealous of my successes and even my relationships with my family, friends and children.  He was incredibly needy, expecting me to make him feel whole.  Nothing I did was ever enough.  It was not fun, not to mention, it was completely exhausting and the relationship ended.

Yes, I'm excited about being in love again, enjoying a healthy relationship and sharing my life with someone.  I can't wait!  I'm ready and have much to offer my future partner.  I know he's out there, but I'm not constantly looking for or obsessed with finding him.  Besides, I want him to come find me! Yes, I'm an independent woman, but I'm still a woman!  I want to be romanced, longed for and pursued. 

With confidence I say this, when he does show up, he'll know, (as I will), he's found the best thing that's ever happened to him!  In the meantime, in the waiting period, wherever he is, I pray he's doing the same kinds of things I am; working on himself, making responsible decisions and looking forward to the day he finds me.  I hope he's already considering me in all he does, as I'm considering him. 

Great, loving, healthy relationships are worth waiting for.  In my season of singleness, I refuse to wallow in self pity or believe I'm missing out on all life has to offer, simply because I'm alone for the time being.   I admit there are those days I wonder "where is he?", the days I long to be held, touched and kissed, but I refuse to allow those thoughts to consume me.  Life is too short and beautiful. 

For fun, I put together a list of some of the things I've discovered living this single life.  Get out a pen and paper and start your list today.  You'll be pleasantly surprised by what you find:).

Here's my (very) Partial List:

#1: I've learned that I like being with me. How about that? Most people can't stand to be alone with themselves longer than 30 minutes. I, on the other hand, enjoy my "me" time. My friends ask me to go out with them lots of times and even have set me up on dates, but honestly, sometimes I just want to be home with a good book, a cup of french vanilla coffee or watch a movie in bed with a bowl of buttery popcorn by my side.

#2: I've learned how to change an AC Filter! (Did you know these need changing periodically?)

#3: I've learned how to use a plunger!

#4: I can actually change a ceiling light fixture!

#5: I get to choose whether I want to cook or go out to eat!

#6: I can clean out a garage all by myself!

#7: I can start a push lawnmower and use it!

#8: I can carry a live Christmas tree out to the curb for trash pick up!

#9: I can use a ladder!

#10: I can change the battery on a smoke detector!

#11: I can make investing decisions (with the help of my financial planner)!

#12: I can use a grill!

#13: I can go to a restaurant, on vacation, a movie, concert or live show all by myself!

I also wrote another list, one I will not share here.  It's a list of the kind of man I'm waiting for and I would challenge you to do the same.  Make your list in great detail.  One day, I will share this list with the last "love of my life". 

One day I'll be writing a different kind of "Love" Blog and I can't wait!  But, until that glorious day arrives, I'm enjoying my life and the many relationships I'm incredibly thankful for, which are so important to me.  I encourage you to search for the blessings in your life.  They're all around you.  I promise!

And, lastly! Until my Valentine shows up to shower me with love, respect and his undying affections, if I want a box of candy, flowers, balloons or a Valentine's Card, I can go out and BUY them myself!!

Happy Valentine's Day!