Today is Valentine's Day! The day of romance, chocolates, flowers and love! For some of you singles, it's your worst nightmare and the most dreaded day of your life, causing you to break out in sweat, hyperventilate, or even cry, while in the fetal position, watching movies like "The Notebook" all day! (Big mistake, by the way). I've had single friends ask me not to call on Valentine's Day because they just need to be alone. Seriously?!
If you're like me, you live by the motto "it's better to be single, than wish you were!" If you're consumed with thoughts of "where is she/he?", then may I encourage you to look at the positives of your singleness in the waiting period? Don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not downplaying how hard the single life can be. I get it. But, I'm asking you to stop wasting your life away in self-pity just because you don't have to share the bathroom with someone!
Here's my first piece of advice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Not only is it sad and pathetic, it's very unattractive. There are worse things than being single. Why not embrace this time and make the most of it? Get to know yourself, figure out who you are, what you like, don't like or even what you are or aren't willing to compromise. This way, as you're meeting potential partners, you'll know if he/she is a good match for you and you'll recognize the "red flags", which saves you both time, disappointment and heartache.
Some of us are happier single! Maybe we were in marriages which were painful or miserable and now we can finally breathe. Sure, there are those lonely times, but being part of a "couple" doesn't mean you'll never be lonely, nor is it a guarantee your life will be "complete". You can't look for someone else to make you whole no matter what Tom Cruise says! Besides, another person will only "complete" you for a time. Once the Oxytocin and initial "love" hormones wear off, you'll need more substance for the long haul, hence why it's so critical to know yourself and the other person well, long before committing to a lifetime together. You've got to have things in common with one another, but this doesn't mean you need to be exactly alike. I don't want someone who is a male version of me! Sure, we need commonalities, but I want him to bring something different to our relationship, as I will as well. Opposites may attract at first, but eventually, they may repel! If you're willing to marry someone you barely know, you have only yourself to blame if and when it doesn't work out. Sure, some of those relationships have survived the long run, but they are quite rare. Stop being in such a hurry or believing the lie "this could be the best I'm ever going to get so why not?" There are plenty of reasons for "why not"!
A life partner should bring out the best in you, encourage, support and love you unconditionally, despite your flaws, imperfection or even your past. They should be someone you trust explicitly with your thoughts, feelings and even when they're away from you. A person you share some of the same interests, morals and values. These things are very important. But, demanding another human being "complete" you is way too much pressure and frankly, impossible to achieve. That kind of security comes from within. You've got to love yourself before you can love someone else. When you're filled with a sense of self-worth and your identity doesn't come from a person, you're much better off, more desirable and more fulfilled. People will always let you down, even in the best relationships, but when you're sure of who you are, your world won't end when it happens. And it will happen. Others will disappoint you, just as you will disappoint others. This is why you must find a sense of contentment in other places, besides a partner.
For me, it starts with my faith. I find my strength from God's opinion of me, not other people. There are those people who have high opinions of me and those who don't. For that reason, I choose to believe who God says I am, that I can do what God says I can and I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. You'll have so much more to offer someone when you truly have the security of knowing you're enough. Confidence is sexy! If you're constantly telling yourself, "when I'm a couple, then I'll do this or that" or "when I meet him/her, I'll be fulfilled" "when I lose 10 lbs., then I'll be good", or the greatest lie of all, "if I just had a husband/wife, then I'd be happy"! You're only kidding and torturing yourself! The good news is you don't have to wait to be a couple to enjoy your life!
Make the best out of your single life while you're in it. Granted, my life doesn't resemble anything out of "Sex and the City" (nor would I want it to, although I do love Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe!), but I've learned so much about myself and frankly, it's been quite liberating. Stop waiting till you're in a relationship to enjoy all that life has to offer! Get out and live! Go to the concert, movie, play or take that trip! Treat yourself. Your future partner will appreciate you're secure in who you are. I was in a relationship with an insecure man before, who was jealous of my success, my relationships, my personality and incredibly needy. He looked for me to make him whole. I couldn't do it and it was not fun.
Yes, I'm excited about being in love again, being in a healthy relationship and sharing my life with someone and I'm ready for when that day comes. I know he's out there, but I'm not constantly looking for him. Besides, I want him to find and pursue me! In the meantime, I refuse to wallow in self pity or believe I'm missing out simply because I'm single.
I put together a list of some of the things I've discovered living this single life. Get out a pen and paper and start your list today. You'll be pleasantly surprised by what you find:).
Here's my very Partial List:
If you're like me, you live by the motto "it's better to be single, than wish you were!" If you're consumed with thoughts of "where is she/he?", then may I encourage you to look at the positives of your singleness in the waiting period? Don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not downplaying how hard the single life can be. I get it. But, I'm asking you to stop wasting your life away in self-pity just because you don't have to share the bathroom with someone!
Here's my first piece of advice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Not only is it sad and pathetic, it's very unattractive. There are worse things than being single. Why not embrace this time and make the most of it? Get to know yourself, figure out who you are, what you like, don't like or even what you are or aren't willing to compromise. This way, as you're meeting potential partners, you'll know if he/she is a good match for you and you'll recognize the "red flags", which saves you both time, disappointment and heartache.
Some of us are happier single! Maybe we were in marriages which were painful or miserable and now we can finally breathe. Sure, there are those lonely times, but being part of a "couple" doesn't mean you'll never be lonely, nor is it a guarantee your life will be "complete". You can't look for someone else to make you whole no matter what Tom Cruise says! Besides, another person will only "complete" you for a time. Once the Oxytocin and initial "love" hormones wear off, you'll need more substance for the long haul, hence why it's so critical to know yourself and the other person well, long before committing to a lifetime together. You've got to have things in common with one another, but this doesn't mean you need to be exactly alike. I don't want someone who is a male version of me! Sure, we need commonalities, but I want him to bring something different to our relationship, as I will as well. Opposites may attract at first, but eventually, they may repel! If you're willing to marry someone you barely know, you have only yourself to blame if and when it doesn't work out. Sure, some of those relationships have survived the long run, but they are quite rare. Stop being in such a hurry or believing the lie "this could be the best I'm ever going to get so why not?" There are plenty of reasons for "why not"!
A life partner should bring out the best in you, encourage, support and love you unconditionally, despite your flaws, imperfection or even your past. They should be someone you trust explicitly with your thoughts, feelings and even when they're away from you. A person you share some of the same interests, morals and values. These things are very important. But, demanding another human being "complete" you is way too much pressure and frankly, impossible to achieve. That kind of security comes from within. You've got to love yourself before you can love someone else. When you're filled with a sense of self-worth and your identity doesn't come from a person, you're much better off, more desirable and more fulfilled. People will always let you down, even in the best relationships, but when you're sure of who you are, your world won't end when it happens. And it will happen. Others will disappoint you, just as you will disappoint others. This is why you must find a sense of contentment in other places, besides a partner.
For me, it starts with my faith. I find my strength from God's opinion of me, not other people. There are those people who have high opinions of me and those who don't. For that reason, I choose to believe who God says I am, that I can do what God says I can and I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. You'll have so much more to offer someone when you truly have the security of knowing you're enough. Confidence is sexy! If you're constantly telling yourself, "when I'm a couple, then I'll do this or that" or "when I meet him/her, I'll be fulfilled" "when I lose 10 lbs., then I'll be good", or the greatest lie of all, "if I just had a husband/wife, then I'd be happy"! You're only kidding and torturing yourself! The good news is you don't have to wait to be a couple to enjoy your life!
Make the best out of your single life while you're in it. Granted, my life doesn't resemble anything out of "Sex and the City" (nor would I want it to, although I do love Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe!), but I've learned so much about myself and frankly, it's been quite liberating. Stop waiting till you're in a relationship to enjoy all that life has to offer! Get out and live! Go to the concert, movie, play or take that trip! Treat yourself. Your future partner will appreciate you're secure in who you are. I was in a relationship with an insecure man before, who was jealous of my success, my relationships, my personality and incredibly needy. He looked for me to make him whole. I couldn't do it and it was not fun.
Yes, I'm excited about being in love again, being in a healthy relationship and sharing my life with someone and I'm ready for when that day comes. I know he's out there, but I'm not constantly looking for him. Besides, I want him to find and pursue me! In the meantime, I refuse to wallow in self pity or believe I'm missing out simply because I'm single.
I put together a list of some of the things I've discovered living this single life. Get out a pen and paper and start your list today. You'll be pleasantly surprised by what you find:).
Here's my very Partial List:
#1: I've learned that I like being with me. How about that? Most people can't stand to be alone with themselves longer than 30 minutes. I, on the other hand, enjoy my "me" time. My friends ask me to go out with them lots of times and even have set me up on dates, but honestly, sometimes I just want to be home with a good book, a cup of french vanilla coffee or watch a movie in bed with a bowl of buttery popcorn by my side.
#2: I've learned how to change an AC Filter! (Did you know these need changing periodically?)
#3: I've learned how to use a plunger!
#4: I can actually change a ceiling light fixture!
#5: I get to choose whether I want to cook or go out to eat!
#6: I can clean out a garage all by myself!
#7: I can start a push lawnmower and use it!
#8: I can carry a live Christmas tree out to the curb for trash pick up!
#9: I can use a ladder!
#10: I can change the battery on a smoke detector!
#9: I can use a ladder!
#10: I can change the battery on a smoke detector!
#11: I can make investing decisions (with the help of my financial planner)!
#12: I can use a grill!
I know one day I'll be writing a different kind of "Love" Blog and I can't wait! But, until that glorious day arrives, I'm enjoying my life and the many relationships I'm thankful for, which are so important to me. I encourage you to search for the blessings in your life. They're there. I promise!
And, lastly! Until my Valentine shows up to shower me with love, respect and his undying affections, if I want a box of candy, flowers, balloons or a Valentine's Card, I can go out and BUY them myself!!
Happy Valentine's Day!
