I angered someone today and lost a facebook "friend" (I use this term lightly as this person was an acquaintance from high school who "friended" me). It happens. Trust me, she's not the first and I'm confident, she won't be the last. She apparently didn't appreciate my political point of view. Oh, well. Last time I checked, I still live in a country which allows me the freedom to think however I choose and to speak those views privately or publicly. Thanks to the brave men and women in uniform, I am blessed to reside in a country that affords me the opportunity to have these rights. It's because of these men and women, some who've given up their lives, that I can enjoy such freedom. This is just one of the many luxuries that have been bestowed upon us.
My opinion is just that, it's mine. It doesn't mean it's right or that I'm a know it all. It's just my opinion. I have a right to it, just as you do yours. We should respect that about one another. But, why do some people get so defensive? In my opinion, and its just mine, could it be the fact that they aren't as convicted about where they stand and maybe I'm about to out them with my own strong opinion?
Let's take my work, for example. Don't get into an argument with me about it if you haven't done the research or been on the front lines as I have for the past 15 years. You will lose. Not only that, you'll come across as ignorant. Just as I would, if I tried to instruct a surgeon performing surgery.
I may not be right, in your opinion, about what I believe, but I stand by them. I'm very stubborn when it comes to my beliefs, my values and my opinion. It doesn't mean I won't listen to yours or that my own opinion hasn't been changed before. It's rare, but it's happened. In reality, I admit, there are some issues that I just won't budge on.
I stand for many things. Human life is just one of them. I have that right, just as you do. It has been said that "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." So, I take stands on issues important to me.
No, she won't be the first person I've upset by my politcal views or high strung opinions, and I'm confident to say, she won't be the last.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Time will Expose or Promote You
If you are even a part-time follower of my blog, you probably know that I went through a very nasty divorce several years ago. Although the divorce process was horrible, by far, the marriage was worse. At least while suffering through the divorce proceedings, I took great comfort in knowing that the end result would be exactly what I desperately needed. My marriage was killing me from the inside out and my spirit was dying. I knew I had to do something.
People on the outside of our lives see what we allow them to see. That's it. Period. It's what we do, isn't it, we pretend? I've never been good at pretending. It's not in my DNA.
As a people, we are so fearful of exposure. So afraid that someone may uncover the truth that we are an imperfect person leading an imperfect life. After 17 years of "marriage", I grew sick of living a lie. Hence, my decision to divorce. It shouldn't have taken that long, but the guilt and shame I felt in walking away held me hostage.
This marriage was changing me and I knew it. When I fought against the lies of my marriage, I was criticized. When I decided not to play the game anymore, attempts were made to destroy my reputation, my spirit and even my Christian walk. I truly fought hard against what I was being counseled to do to the point where others were convincing me that I was the problem. Am I perfect? Was I the perfect in my marriage? Absolutely not. I made my share of mistakes. The fight was brutal at times, but in my opinion, I ended up winning.
My marriage was a scam. Literally. But because of ministry obligations, pretending, I was instructed, was the "right" thing to do and eventually I would grow content in my situation. I was told that it was my duty as a "Christian" wife to suck it up and keep up appearances because too many people would be hurt if I left the marriage. The many times I spoke out about what was really going on in my marriage, I was accused of not reading my bible, praying or my all time favorite, not being "Christian" enough.
For 80% of my married life, I lived as a single mother. I raised my children alone. I not only lived a lie, but my children had to live it too. I listened to my ex try his best to convince me that if I left the marriage, I would destroy 1000's of people's relationship with God who looked up to us as the "perfect" Christian family! Talk about pressure! Not only b.s. I bought into this crap for awhile! Then I realized, I didn't die on a cross for anybody, Jesus did. And who the hell do I think I am anyway. Could I have seriously believed I was that important?! I'm not now, nor will I ever be Jesus Christ. Yes, I strive to live my life by His example, but I fail miserably most of the time. We need to stop looking to others for answers regarding who God is and seek Him out ourselves. He'll show us. He's shown me.
And just because someone is in ministry or the greatest preacher you've ever heard, doesn't mean they're living it. Heed the Bibles warning "in the last days, even the elite will be deceived". Isn't it true that even if a drunk says "Jesus is Lord", it's still the truth?
Yes, our family looked real good. But, it was all a lie. Now, my children are paying from the ramifications of it. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that.
Who might you be lying to? Your neighbors, friends, church? Maybe yourself?
Get real. I did. And it was liberating.
People on the outside of our lives see what we allow them to see. That's it. Period. It's what we do, isn't it, we pretend? I've never been good at pretending. It's not in my DNA.
As a people, we are so fearful of exposure. So afraid that someone may uncover the truth that we are an imperfect person leading an imperfect life. After 17 years of "marriage", I grew sick of living a lie. Hence, my decision to divorce. It shouldn't have taken that long, but the guilt and shame I felt in walking away held me hostage.
This marriage was changing me and I knew it. When I fought against the lies of my marriage, I was criticized. When I decided not to play the game anymore, attempts were made to destroy my reputation, my spirit and even my Christian walk. I truly fought hard against what I was being counseled to do to the point where others were convincing me that I was the problem. Am I perfect? Was I the perfect in my marriage? Absolutely not. I made my share of mistakes. The fight was brutal at times, but in my opinion, I ended up winning.
My marriage was a scam. Literally. But because of ministry obligations, pretending, I was instructed, was the "right" thing to do and eventually I would grow content in my situation. I was told that it was my duty as a "Christian" wife to suck it up and keep up appearances because too many people would be hurt if I left the marriage. The many times I spoke out about what was really going on in my marriage, I was accused of not reading my bible, praying or my all time favorite, not being "Christian" enough.
For 80% of my married life, I lived as a single mother. I raised my children alone. I not only lived a lie, but my children had to live it too. I listened to my ex try his best to convince me that if I left the marriage, I would destroy 1000's of people's relationship with God who looked up to us as the "perfect" Christian family! Talk about pressure! Not only b.s. I bought into this crap for awhile! Then I realized, I didn't die on a cross for anybody, Jesus did. And who the hell do I think I am anyway. Could I have seriously believed I was that important?! I'm not now, nor will I ever be Jesus Christ. Yes, I strive to live my life by His example, but I fail miserably most of the time. We need to stop looking to others for answers regarding who God is and seek Him out ourselves. He'll show us. He's shown me.
And just because someone is in ministry or the greatest preacher you've ever heard, doesn't mean they're living it. Heed the Bibles warning "in the last days, even the elite will be deceived". Isn't it true that even if a drunk says "Jesus is Lord", it's still the truth?
Yes, our family looked real good. But, it was all a lie. Now, my children are paying from the ramifications of it. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that.
Who might you be lying to? Your neighbors, friends, church? Maybe yourself?
Get real. I did. And it was liberating.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
My College Student, Kendra Taylor
My daughter Kendra is trying to make one of the most important decisions she's ever made to date. Where to go to college. She's been in a community college in N.C. her first year and did amazingly well. Her plan is to complete her Associate Degree and afterwards transfer to a university to complete her goal of a Bachelor's in Business.
But, since our move to Nashville, Kendra decided she wanted to be near her Mommy and sisters. She started her search and found a great college near Teryn's house. She registered and was set to arrive this week. Two days ago, she learned the differences in costs of being an out-of-state student vs. staying where she is. So, she's now reconsidering her plans. Am I bummed that my excitement over having all four of my girls in the same town that I live may not come to fruition? Absolutely. Am I more proud of her than I've ever been during her college career? You bet I am.
She told me last night that as she said good-bye to her boyfriend as he leaves for an out-of-state university that requires a tuition of around $21,000 a year, it frustrates her a little bit. His parent's can easily afford to send him. I can't afford to do that and her father refuses to help her financially since she made the decision not to attend a ministry college as he wanted her to. She told me it just wasn't fair that everyone isn't afforded the luxury of going where they want to go. I told her she could go where she wanted to, she would just have to take out a student loan. She responded that she didn't want to start her adult life in debt. Wow.
I"m incredibly proud of the mature decision that Kendra seems to be making. I know it won't be an easy one for her, but the tuition goes from $2700 where she is to $7000 to come here! Yes, she desperately wants to be here with her family and isn't fond of her current living situation (her landlord refuses to get the internet, which is a basic need and must for college!) nor will he supply basic cable! But that's another blog waiting to be written. She continues to prove that I indeed raised a conscientious, young woman. I will miss not having her around as I thought I would. But today, I'm smiling.
My Little Sweet Pea has become an adult woman. Where have the days of Barney gone?
But, since our move to Nashville, Kendra decided she wanted to be near her Mommy and sisters. She started her search and found a great college near Teryn's house. She registered and was set to arrive this week. Two days ago, she learned the differences in costs of being an out-of-state student vs. staying where she is. So, she's now reconsidering her plans. Am I bummed that my excitement over having all four of my girls in the same town that I live may not come to fruition? Absolutely. Am I more proud of her than I've ever been during her college career? You bet I am.
She told me last night that as she said good-bye to her boyfriend as he leaves for an out-of-state university that requires a tuition of around $21,000 a year, it frustrates her a little bit. His parent's can easily afford to send him. I can't afford to do that and her father refuses to help her financially since she made the decision not to attend a ministry college as he wanted her to. She told me it just wasn't fair that everyone isn't afforded the luxury of going where they want to go. I told her she could go where she wanted to, she would just have to take out a student loan. She responded that she didn't want to start her adult life in debt. Wow.
My Little Sweet Pea has become an adult woman. Where have the days of Barney gone?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
My Conversation with An Atheist
It went something like this.
Atheist: "So, tell me about this faith of yours?"
Me: "I'd love to! I believe Jesus is the Son of God, born of a Virgin, lived a sinless life and became the ultimate sacrifice when He died on a cross for our sins. We can't have fellowship with a Holy God if we have sin in our lives, so through Jesus' sacrifice and accepting that sacrifice as truth, it creates a bridge for us to have fellowship with the One True God. It also establishes our place in Heaven and saves us from Hell. Jesus said, "Noone comes to the Father except through Me." And not only does He forgive our sins, He forgets them! Sounds pretty amazing to me!"
Atheist: "You really believe this "saving" crap and that there's a place called Heaven and a place like Hell where you burn forever?"
Me: "Absolutely. And I believe what the bible says about Heaven too. That it's a beautiful place paved with streets of gold, there is no pain, no disease or heartache, I will have my own mansion and I will forever spend eternity with God. No more suffering, confusion, broken hearts! Who wouldn't want to live there? It sounds awesome! I also believe that Hell is a horrible place where non-believers will spend eternity. Yes, I do believe this with all my heart."
Atheist: "Seriously?!
Me: "Seriously. Tell me what you believe anyway."
Atheist: "That when we die, we just rot in the ground. That's it. Period. There is nothing else."
Me: "That's pretty sad. I mean, seriously, we just rot?"
Atheist: "So, you're willing to live your life believing in the Bible and a dude named Jesus?"
Me: "I see it this way. If I strive to live my life as the Bible teaches, which consists of treating others the way I'd want to be treated, loving others as I love myself, following the Ten Commandments, etc., I'd say I'd be proud of the life I'd lived."
Atheist: "Well, what if you're wrong about Jesus, the Bible and all this Heaven stuff?"
Me: "You mean if I'm wrong and you're right? Hmmm, let's see. I'd still say I would have lived a pretty good life, so I wouldn't say I'd have lost anything. I'd just die and rot in the ground like you say I would. But, what if I'm right and you're wrong? The way I see it, you, my friend, will have gained nothing and lost everything."
As for me, my faithful readers, I'm not willing to take that chance.
Atheist: "So, tell me about this faith of yours?"
Me: "I'd love to! I believe Jesus is the Son of God, born of a Virgin, lived a sinless life and became the ultimate sacrifice when He died on a cross for our sins. We can't have fellowship with a Holy God if we have sin in our lives, so through Jesus' sacrifice and accepting that sacrifice as truth, it creates a bridge for us to have fellowship with the One True God. It also establishes our place in Heaven and saves us from Hell. Jesus said, "Noone comes to the Father except through Me." And not only does He forgive our sins, He forgets them! Sounds pretty amazing to me!"
Atheist: "You really believe this "saving" crap and that there's a place called Heaven and a place like Hell where you burn forever?"
Me: "Absolutely. And I believe what the bible says about Heaven too. That it's a beautiful place paved with streets of gold, there is no pain, no disease or heartache, I will have my own mansion and I will forever spend eternity with God. No more suffering, confusion, broken hearts! Who wouldn't want to live there? It sounds awesome! I also believe that Hell is a horrible place where non-believers will spend eternity. Yes, I do believe this with all my heart."
Atheist: "Seriously?!
Me: "Seriously. Tell me what you believe anyway."
Atheist: "That when we die, we just rot in the ground. That's it. Period. There is nothing else."
Me: "That's pretty sad. I mean, seriously, we just rot?"
Atheist: "So, you're willing to live your life believing in the Bible and a dude named Jesus?"
Me: "I see it this way. If I strive to live my life as the Bible teaches, which consists of treating others the way I'd want to be treated, loving others as I love myself, following the Ten Commandments, etc., I'd say I'd be proud of the life I'd lived."
Atheist: "Well, what if you're wrong about Jesus, the Bible and all this Heaven stuff?"
Me: "You mean if I'm wrong and you're right? Hmmm, let's see. I'd still say I would have lived a pretty good life, so I wouldn't say I'd have lost anything. I'd just die and rot in the ground like you say I would. But, what if I'm right and you're wrong? The way I see it, you, my friend, will have gained nothing and lost everything."
As for me, my faithful readers, I'm not willing to take that chance.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Regrets and Such
Teryn and Tawni are literally right up the road from me, Kolby is loving being with her two best friends from 1st grade, Morgan and Hannah, again. Chad, my favorite son-in-law is every mother's dream for her daughter and loves his mother-in-law and doesn't mind that I'm around a lot. Kendra will be here in a matter of weeks to begin her 2nd year of college and my best friend, Val, is literally 0.8 miles from me. Last, and certainly not least, I have regular visits with my Lil Pooks, who spends the night with me often! The only thing that could make it better would be if Trudy was still here, living up the road. We were so excited to be geographically close to one another again after 22 years. I do thank God for bringing me back to Nashville and allowing me to spend the last six weeks of her life though. He is so good.
I'm enjoying my new position at the center so much and I'm truly doing the work God's called me to. My speaking engagements continue and my book is now in its 4th print. Yes, I feel truly blessed, despite any negatives going on in my life.
Trudy's death has hit me hard. Not just for the fact that I miss her terribly, but it's forced me to take a long, hard look at my life. My past, the regrets I have, poor decisions I've made and people I've hurt are foremost on my mind. There are issues I need to reconcile because it's the right thing to do. Life really is so short. "but a fleeting moment." I continue to work on myself, to learn from my mistakes and to take time to appreciate the little things, not just the big ones. Lots going on in this heart and soul of mine.
My bucket list will be coming next.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Seizures and Such
Four months ago, our precious Maltipoo, Gabby, began having seizures. The first one scared the bejezus out of us. Kolby was hysterical while I took off to the neighbors, who's a vet tech. Jess rushed over, tried to calm us down and spoke softly to Gabby as she was experience her episode. It was so pitiful to stand by and watch Gabby stiffin up and see the look of terror in her eyes. It was a helpless feeling not being able to help her in any way. All we could do was wait for it to end.
Kolby and I were crying and convinced Gabby was dying right in front of us. The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes until she slowly began to come out of it. Shortly thereafter, she was our Gabby Girl once again. Jess explained that it wasn't as bad as it looked and advised that we watch her over the next few months. She said this was typical in a dog Gabby's age.
A month later, it happened again. Repeat above scenario. With all the moving preparations, we decided to wait until we reached Nashville to see if and when it happened again. A week after arriving, it did. Time for a vet visit.
After spending $275, the vet explained that Gabby most likely has a brain tumor. To be sure, she recommended a CT scan ($1500), followed by brain surgery ($2500) to remove it. I love my dog. She's been my faithful companion for 9 years and is the smartest, most loving dog in the world, but there's no way I'm spending $4000 for a vet bill. The girls' weren't very happy with me and the vet treated me like I should be reported to ASPCA. We never went back.
Two weeks ago, Gabby had another seizure and last night another one. Today, I took her to a new vet. She basically gave the same diagnosis. The difference was that she 100% supported my decision and didn't even suggest spending the money for a CT scan. If she were in my shoes, she told me she would do the same thing. She couldn't give a guarantee how long Gabby will be around. It could be 6 months or a few years. She suggested I take her home and enjoy every day with her. I asked her about putting her on medication to control the seizures and she said if we did that she'd most likely become lethargic and her quality of life would diminish greatly. Gabby still loves to play and is very active. So she has a seizure once in a while. I can live with that.
I made a decision. I came home and told the girl's. We will enjoy our Gabby Girl for however long she's got. We'll love her, cuddle her and play catch with her, like we always have.
And then I thought about something. Medical bills aside, it's the same thing with people. We don't know how long we've got either. We don't have a clue how long we'll get to enjoy eachother, love, cuddle and play together.
Hmmm, maybe the Vet is on to something :)
Kolby and I were crying and convinced Gabby was dying right in front of us. The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes until she slowly began to come out of it. Shortly thereafter, she was our Gabby Girl once again. Jess explained that it wasn't as bad as it looked and advised that we watch her over the next few months. She said this was typical in a dog Gabby's age.
A month later, it happened again. Repeat above scenario. With all the moving preparations, we decided to wait until we reached Nashville to see if and when it happened again. A week after arriving, it did. Time for a vet visit.
After spending $275, the vet explained that Gabby most likely has a brain tumor. To be sure, she recommended a CT scan ($1500), followed by brain surgery ($2500) to remove it. I love my dog. She's been my faithful companion for 9 years and is the smartest, most loving dog in the world, but there's no way I'm spending $4000 for a vet bill. The girls' weren't very happy with me and the vet treated me like I should be reported to ASPCA. We never went back.
Two weeks ago, Gabby had another seizure and last night another one. Today, I took her to a new vet. She basically gave the same diagnosis. The difference was that she 100% supported my decision and didn't even suggest spending the money for a CT scan. If she were in my shoes, she told me she would do the same thing. She couldn't give a guarantee how long Gabby will be around. It could be 6 months or a few years. She suggested I take her home and enjoy every day with her. I asked her about putting her on medication to control the seizures and she said if we did that she'd most likely become lethargic and her quality of life would diminish greatly. Gabby still loves to play and is very active. So she has a seizure once in a while. I can live with that.
I made a decision. I came home and told the girl's. We will enjoy our Gabby Girl for however long she's got. We'll love her, cuddle her and play catch with her, like we always have.
And then I thought about something. Medical bills aside, it's the same thing with people. We don't know how long we've got either. We don't have a clue how long we'll get to enjoy eachother, love, cuddle and play together.
Hmmm, maybe the Vet is on to something :)
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