If you are even a part-time follower of my blog, you probably know that I went through a very nasty divorce several years ago. Although the divorce process was horrible, by far, the marriage was worse. At least while suffering through the divorce proceedings, I took great comfort in knowing that the end result would be exactly what I desperately needed. My marriage was killing me from the inside out and my spirit was dying. I knew I had to do something.
People on the outside of our lives see what we allow them to see. That's it. Period. It's what we do, isn't it, we pretend? I've never been good at pretending. It's not in my DNA.
As a people, we are so fearful of exposure. So afraid that someone may uncover the truth that we are an imperfect person leading an imperfect life. After 17 years of "marriage", I grew sick of living a lie. Hence, my decision to divorce. It shouldn't have taken that long, but the guilt and shame I felt in walking away held me hostage.
This marriage was changing me and I knew it. When I fought against the lies of my marriage, I was criticized. When I decided not to play the game anymore, attempts were made to destroy my reputation, my spirit and even my Christian walk. I truly fought hard against what I was being counseled to do to the point where others were convincing me that I was the problem. Am I perfect? Was I the perfect in my marriage? Absolutely not. I made my share of mistakes. The fight was brutal at times, but in my opinion, I ended up winning.
My marriage was a scam. Literally. But because of ministry obligations, pretending, I was instructed, was the "right" thing to do and eventually I would grow content in my situation. I was told that it was my duty as a "Christian" wife to suck it up and keep up appearances because too many people would be hurt if I left the marriage. The many times I spoke out about what was really going on in my marriage, I was accused of not reading my bible, praying or my all time favorite, not being "Christian" enough.
For 80% of my married life, I lived as a single mother. I raised my children alone. I not only lived a lie, but my children had to live it too. I listened to my ex try his best to convince me that if I left the marriage, I would destroy 1000's of people's relationship with God who looked up to us as the "perfect" Christian family! Talk about pressure! Not only b.s. I bought into this crap for awhile! Then I realized, I didn't die on a cross for anybody, Jesus did. And who the hell do I think I am anyway. Could I have seriously believed I was that important?! I'm not now, nor will I ever be Jesus Christ. Yes, I strive to live my life by His example, but I fail miserably most of the time. We need to stop looking to others for answers regarding who God is and seek Him out ourselves. He'll show us. He's shown me.
And just because someone is in ministry or the greatest preacher you've ever heard, doesn't mean they're living it. Heed the Bibles warning "in the last days, even the elite will be deceived". Isn't it true that even if a drunk says "Jesus is Lord", it's still the truth?
Yes, our family looked real good. But, it was all a lie. Now, my children are paying from the ramifications of it. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that.
Who might you be lying to? Your neighbors, friends, church? Maybe yourself?
Get real. I did. And it was liberating.
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