Dear Dad:

Hi. I miss you. It's been three years since we've talked. Well, sort of. I still "talk" to you. I wonder, do you hear me calling or crying out to you sometimes? Do you see me when I'm struggling to get through the day because I can't believe you're gone? Brenda and I refer to these as "Bad Dad Days". These are the days when something will remind me of you and I can't stop crying. Sometimes I even get so angry at you for leaving me. I yell at you, "Why didn't you take your antibiotics?!" (We found the prescription, Dad. It was stuck behind your car's ashtray. Did you think you lost them?) You should be here, I have so much I want to tell you. I get angry that I can't call you for advice. I've been desperate for it many times since you left. I've needed you in lots of ways. Yes, at times, I get very angry with you. But then, I apologize and ask you to forgive me.

I relive the night you left me or replay our last conversation over and over in my head. Other times, I just lie on the floor in a puddle of tears screaming for you. Most of the time, I'm alone. Although, there are those days that I'm driving in my car and a song will come on the radio that reminds me of you. The tears flow. I try to keep my head turned so the girl's won't see, but they know. If Kolby's with me, she'll rub my arm and say, "Are you ok, Mommy? Thinking about your Dad again?"

I miss you. I have so many things I want to tell you, questions I need to ask . Sometimes I get so afraid about life,decisions to be made or my girls and I just need to talk to you. You were always so good at giving advice (not always taking it, though!). Remember how you always said that life is about love and relationships? You said that money means nothing in the big picture. "Life is about love. It's about family. Never forget that, Baby Girl". Remember?

You said I deserved to be happy and loved unconditionally. You knew, didn't you Dad? You knew that I was pretending about so many things. It was you who told me to take a long look at my life and make the changes I needed to make. One time, you asked me what I was so afraid of. You said life was too short to be so unhappy. Well, I did it, Dad. I've made huge changes since you left. I know I have you and Mom to thank for the courage I found in myself. When you left, it reminded me how short life really is. And you were right, I had more strength than I thought I had! A chip off the old block, I suppose!

I won't lie, these past three years haven't always been easy. Despite that, I'm happier and more content with myself than I have ever been in my life. Yes, I made some hard decisions, Dad, but they were the right ones. I think you would be really proud of me. In part, I have you to thank. And you thought I wasn't listening?! I was. To every word.

I worry about my girls, Dad. They don't understand so many things about life. I try to tell them, but I just don't know if they're listening. Now I know how frustrated I must have made you! I guess turn about is fair play, huh? I don't want them to live with regret like I do. Like you did. But, I've come to understand that I must allow them to make their own mistakes. I can't protect them from life. It's inevitable. Life brings joy, but also great pain.

And, guess what, Dad? It happened. I met someone. Not just anyone. I think I finally got it right. I wish you could have met him. There's not a doubt in my mind that you would approve. His name is George. He loves me just like you said "he" would. He makes me laugh and he listens to me. He respects me for who I am and appreciates my qualities, while accepting my flaws. For the first time in my life, I'm completely 100% myself with someone and he loves me anyway! You were right, Dad. It really is possible to find true love and know that a person was made specifically for you. I know I inherited your love of romance. That's why I never gave up hope. Thanks for that. George lost his mother eight months after I lost you. We like to say that the two of you collaborated together in Heaven and brought us together. He misses her too.

Three years. Hard to believe. It seems like yesterday. I hope you like the song I sang at your memorial. It was called "Legacy". You left one, Dad. In your children, your grandchildren and the generations to come, you left a legacy. Do you realize not one of us would be here if it wasn't for you? (Of course, you did have some help from Mom!)

I see you in so many places. I don't know if you remember this or not, but when I came for a visit once, you danced with me. Sure, you had danced with me in the past. But, there was something very special about this time. The music was playing, you took me by the hand, walked me out onto your bedroom patio, held me close and overlooking the ocean, you danced with me. It was magical. I will never forget it. I miss you, Dad. I love you. And until the day I see you again, I will take you with me everywhere I go.

And, Dad? I want you to know that I am my father's daughter. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Always,

Your Baby Girl

Are You Looking For A Sign?

Dad was gone. It had been three days now. This was a reality that I would have to face. There was nothing I could say or do that was going to change the fact that he was gone. My father had died. It was a shock. I called his cell phone over and over again just to hear his voice message.

Every emotion I've ever felt in my life and even new ones that I'd never experienced I was now feeling with every breath I took.

It was the last night we would be spending in Dad's house. We were leaving early in the morning to catch our flights back home. So, the taxi was coming at 5:00 am. The next morning, after I was packed and dressed, I walked into Dad's kitchen. I noticed his cell phone sitting on the counter. The light was blinking. Dad had messages. For some reason, I felt compelled to hear them. Something inside me was telling me that I must listen to his messages. I picked the phone up and began entering random numbers hoping one of them would be his password. I kept getting the same voice over and over again saying, "You have entered an incorrect password. Please try again." I was getting pissed.

I started to yell at God (again!). "God, I need my father's password, I need to hear his messages, PLEASE give me his password!" After 15 minutes went by, Brenda walked in. I said, "Do you know Dad's password? I have to hear his messages!" She said, "No, but try this number". I did. The voice changed. "You have 13 new messages." I couldn't believe it! I was in!

I listened to messages from days earlier when we called Dad begging him to call us back. Then I heard a message that changed everything. It said, "Hi Bob. This is Michael. I'm the cab driver who drove you home from the doctor on Friday. I reallly enjoyed our conversation, Bob. I want you to know that I never do this, but I would really like to speak with you again. It's like I told you, Bob, Jesus really is the only answer to all your problems. Call me sometime. Here's my number xxx-xxx-xxxx. I look forward to hearing from you."

I was stunned. I couldn't speak. I began to cry. At that moment, I knew one thing. Michael had just become my new best friend. I wrote his number down and made the decision to wait and call him when I returned to Charlotte.

I did. He didn't answer. I left a message. "Michael, this is Bob's daughter, Vikki, the man you took to the doctor last Friday. Can you please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx? I MUST talk to you right away!"

An hour later, my phone rang. The voice on the other end said, "Is this Vikki?" "Yes, is this Michael? Please, Michael, tell me everything that was said to my father in your cab Friday night. It's important. Please tell me!"

And then, without hesitation, he said, "Vikki, are you looking for a sign?"

I couldn't control myself. I began to weep. Right on the phone, I wept to a total stranger like a baby. I said, "Why did you say that! Tell me! Why did you ask me if I was looking for a sign?" He said, "I don't know. But, if you are looking for a sign, you should know that your father accepted Jesus in my cab Friday night. And he was very proud of you."

In that moment, I realized something. God hears us and cares about every detail of our lives. He knew I needed to know. He made sure I heard exactly what I needed to hear. I had my answer! I had my sign. And then, I knew. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew.

I had my sign. Dad was ok. And one day, I knew I'd hear again, "Hi Baby Girl, it's your Dad!"

I Miss You Dad......Day 4

Three years ago today. It was a Monday. April 25, 2005. The morning started out as the previous one. Dad was getting worse. His organs were beginning to shut down. It was decision time. The doctor asked to meet with us. We knew what was coming.

My father was an energetic man. He ran 10 miles on the beach every morning and he loved life. He lived it to the fullest. He would have never wanted to live the way he had been "living" the past 48 hours. We all knew there wouldn't be much of a discussion. It wasn't a question of "what if", it was a question of "when". We knew what we had to do.

So, the decision was made. In a small, white room, with the door shut. The doctor, my father's wife and my father's four children were all there. The papers were signed and it was done.

We had one more day. Looking back now, I wish I would have insisted that we had more time with him, even though it would have only prolonged the inevitable. I think up until the end, we were still in denial. Every single one of us. This couldnt' be happening. Not to our family, not to our Dad. I kept thinking at any minute Dad would sit up, look at us and say, "What the hell are you looking at? Let's get the hell out of here! I need a drink!" But, he didn't.

We decided to go to dinner. We told the doctor we needed to wait until we were ready. After dinner, around 7pm, we made our way back to the hospital. We made one stop. My brother wanted to pick up a bottle of Dad's favorite, Grey Goose Vodka. When we got back to the hospital, we sat around his bed and each drank a glass in his honor. Then, we took turns and toasted him, sharing stories. My brother placed some drops of Grey Goose on Dad's tongue. We knew he'd appreciate that. We laughed. We cried.

Around 8pm, one of dad's friends showed up. He asked if he could share a funny story with us. He told us about the night he brought my father home from a "guy's night out". Dad was, let's say, feeling pretty good! He said he walked my dad to the front door. When my father put his key in the door, it didn't work. He tried again. Still, no luck. He then started banging on the door screaming, "Open the door! My key doesn't work!" Soon after, a man answered and my father went balistic. He said, "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house with my wife?!" The man looked at him and said, "Bob, I'm your next door neighbor. Your house is over there." Then they all laughed.

My father's wife told a story about the time Dad decided to do an experiment. He told her, "If taking one Viagra works for 2 hours, I wonder what taking six would do?" He ended up in the emergency room! This might be too much information for some of you, but that was my Dad. Always looking for the "next big thing"!

Storytelling went on until around 11pm. Then, the nurse came into the room. She asked how we were doing. She asked if we were ready. We knew it was time, but noone wanted to say it. After a long pause, my father's wife spoke up. She said, "It's time." We knew she was right. But, we still didn't want to face it. Was this actually happening?

Silence. The laughter had stopped. We took our turns saying our own personal good-byes. We then gathered around his bed. We watched as the nurse unplugged, one by one, my father's life lines. And at 11:25 p.m., 20 minutes later, it was over. He was gone. I was there to witness the last breath of the man who witnessed my first.

It was at that moment that I realized I'd never gotten my sign! I was screaming at God to wait! I said, "You can't take him yet, I don't have my sign! Please give me my sign!" I was livid with God. I yelled at Him again, "I have served You all these years! I've sacrificed my own happiness because I thought that's what you wanted! I've traveled all over the world, leaving my children behind to tell other's about You and You can't give me one little sign!? What kind of God are YOU?!" I was so incredibly angry.

But, no sign came. Now, I was never going to know. My Dad was gone. And I had nothing.

I Miss You Dad......Day 3

Three years ago today. Now it was Sunday. April 24, 2005. This day is a bit of a blur to me. We stayed at the hospital all night in the waiting room, sleeping on couches or chairs. By this point, the doctor's have now told us how bad Dad's condition is. I kept asking why? How did this happen? My father was one of the healthiest people I'd ever known! He ran 10 miles a day. He'd just had a complete physical and passed with flying colors just two months before! It was determined that when Dad went for a root canal a week earlier, he hadn't pre-medicated before his surgery. Since he had an artifical valve from 15 years ago, pre-medicating was critical to keeping an infection from developing in his body that could become septic. A $5.00 bottle of antibiotics and my father may still be alive today! This was crazy! They told us they saw little hope. They're now asking us about organ donation. They're inquiring as to the length of time we would want to keep him alive artifically. It was surreal.

Because Dad was in I.C.U., we were only allowed 15 minute visits with him every hour. We didn't miss one. Every time I entered Dad's room, I would kiss his cheek, stroke his hair and whisper in his ear. I told him I loved him. I told him to hang on. I told him I missed him. I told him to come back to us. I told him I needed him. And I told him to please say yes to God. I begged him not to reject God's love for him. Not again. Not now.

In the past, when I brought God or Jesus into our conversations, Dad would say things like, "I don't need religion, Vikki. I'm proud of you for what you do, but I don't believe in that stuff." Dad had seen first hand what "Christians" were like and he wanted nothing to do with them. I tried to explain to him that I didn't need religion either, but that a relationship with Christ was completely different. He wasn't interested.

But, I didn't give up. I wasn't ever going to give up. I continued to tell Dad, "Please, don't say no to Jesus, Dad. Please let Him help you. He loves you. If this is your time, I need to know you're going to be in Heaven so I will see you again. Please don't say no to Him. Don't reject Him again."

If my father was about to leave this earth, I was determined to do whatever I could to help him experience "the peace that passes all understanding" while he was still here, even for a day. I knew that this kind of peace had eluded him all his life. His childhood was filled with turmoil and tragedy. I don't think he ever got over it. Dad never felt he was "good enough" to be loved. He was always surprised at how much his children loved him. Many of our conversations over the years went something like this: "I love you so much, Dad." He would respond with, "Really?! You really do love me?! Wow. That's pretty neat, Baby Girl."

Each time I left Dad's hospital room, I went off alone to pray. I asked God to "show me a sign" that Dad could hear me. I begged God to save my father and pleaded with Him to give me some kind of sign, so I'd know he had accepted Jesus. I told God that if He was about to take my father's life that I needed reassurances that my Dad would be OK. So, I waited. And waited.

Then, I waited some more. But, I didn't get my sign.

I Miss You Dad.....Day 2

Three years ago today. The next day. Saturday morning. April 23, 2005. I was awakened by my mother at 7am. She called to tell me something had happened to my father. She said he'd collapsed in his house and the paramedics were there "working on him". I hung up and immediately called his house. His wife answered. I asked her if it was true. She was screaming. She said they were trying to revive him to transfer him to the hospital. Then she said, "I HAVE TO GO!" and she hung up.

I was frantic. I called my brother, Robbie and my sister, Brenda. We all made plans to get to San Francisco as soon as possible. It just so happened that three of us would arrive after midnight, with my brother getting in late afternoon. I would be traveling from N.C., Brenda from Florida, my brother from Seattle and my other sister from Colorado.

Since Robbie would get there first, he would pick the three of us up when we arrived. My friend, Stephanie, drove me to the airport and then took care of Kendra and Kolby until their father got back in town. (Thanks, Stef!) On the plane, I could think of little else except my father and what his condition would be when I arrived. I couldn't stop crying. I was stared at by other passengers, but I gave no explanation. I was terrified. How bad was it? Would I make it on time? It was the longest flight of my life.

When we all met up at the airport, Robbie told us we needed to be prepared. He'd already seen Dad and said it was bad. Real bad. I think we were still in denial. We kept saying, "Oh, my gosh, Robbie, he's going to be fine."

Finally, we were at the hospital. We rushed to his room. We walked in. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. There he was. My father. My Daddy. So helpless and fragile. He was unconscious and hooked up to all kinds of machines. I ran to him. The first thing I noticed was his eye. It was glazed over and looked so incredibly painful. I replayed our conversation over and over from the day before. Then, I lost it.

For the first time since this nightmare began, I was really scared. And, this was just the beginning.

I Miss You Dad.....Day 1

Three years ago today. It was a Friday. April 22, 2005. My day started out with a call from my Dad, just like so many mornings before. "Hey, Baby Girl, it's your Dad!" (I always knew it was him!) To this day, I can still hear his voice. We then proceeded to have our morning talk and catch up. We talked about our plans for the day, the weekend. I talked about my girls and how proud of them I was. I told him that I wished he knew them better. He said he did too.

Dad hadn't been feeling well. He had gotten dizzy earlier in the week and had fallen and hit his eye on the corner of his marble coffee table. Ouch! He told me he had an appointment to see his eye doctor that afternoon because it was looking really bad and seemed to be getting worse. I agreed that was probably a good idea. He promised he'd call as soon as he got back from the doctor. And he did.

When he called, he said, "Baby Girl, the doctor says I may never be able to see out of that eye again! Isn't that some shit?!" I could tell he was trying hard to be upbeat about it. I said, "Dad, I'm so sorry, but it'll be ok. I'd rather have you with one eye than not have you at all!" I was trying to cheer him up and I meant it! He said, "Good point, Baby Girl! Good point!"

He went on to tell me that he was still feeling pretty bad and thought he might go to the emergency room later in the day if he didn't start to feel better. I urged him to go. Again, I reminded him to be sure and call me afterwards. Again, he promised he would. But, that call never came. If only I'd known that would be our last conversation, the last time I'd hear his voice. If only I'd known. I wonder often, what would I have said?

Would I have told him how much I loved him? Would I have let him know that I was proud to be his daughter, in spite of all the heartaches we'd endured throughout the years? Would I have thanked him for all the times he made me feel better about myself? Would I have made sure he knew how much it meant to me that he could make me laugh when I was sad? Would I have let him know that even though our relationship had been strained at times over the years, I was so thankful that we'd grown closer the last 10? Would I have told him that I still remembered the "Oh, Mr. Lightning" Song he made up when I was 8 during a thunderstorm? Would I have let him know that I eat chocolate pudding in a cup (to this day) because it reminds me of him? Would I have thanked him for the gift he gave me to think positive? Would I have told him that it was because of him that I never wanted to stop learning? So many questions.

If only I'd known.

A Priest, a Music Minister, Church Ladies and a Funeral

If you read my last blog, you know that I attended a funeral this past weekend. You also know that I was asked by my brother and his wife to sing "Amazing Grace".

The funeral was held at an Episcopalian Church. Adrienne's father was Episcopalian, but from what I understand, left many years ago. I am not going to pretend to know a lot about the Episcopalian faith, but what I do know about is people. And I've never been one to care what a marquee on the outside of a church says. I've always been interested in the people on the inside and how they treat others. Because Adrienne's father had left the church, it took a "special" phone call from one of his closest friends to the Bishop to ask for permission to have his memorial there.

When we arrived at the church, the Priest met us in the reception area. This was the same area where they would hold a gathering after the service to receive family and friends. I was taken aback at how cold this Priest was to the family. They had just suffered a great loss, yet he showed no compassion towards them. I never once heard him extend his condolences to Adrienne's mother or the rest of the family. He was more concerned about how many people were coming, who would sit where, how long I was singing and making it clear to Adrienne that her father's picture would not be allowed in the lobby of the church for guests to view. I was stunned.

When he realized I was the one singing, he instructed me to go into the church to meet with the music minister, who would give me my instructions. I did as I was told. Upon entering the church, I introduced myself. I told him that Adrienne's mother had asked me to sing all 6 verses of the song and that I would be singing acapello. He told me, "No, you will sing the first verse alone and then we will invite the congregation to sing along."

He then motioned for me to follow him towards the organ. He began to play. I stopped him. "I'm sorry to interupt you, but I can't sing the song in that key. That's way too high for me. Can you please play it in a lower key?" He looked at me and said, "This is the key the song is written in and I'm sure if you stand up straight, keep your head up and project, you will do just fine." Oh yeah? I took a deep breath and said, "With all due respect, sir, God gifted me with an alto voice, not a soprano voice. How about if I sing it in my key and you pick it up or I will just sing without accompaniment." I didn't wait for his answer, I just began to sing. It didn't take him long to play in my key. He then told me I was to sit next to him throughout the service so I wouldn't be a "distraction" when it came time for me to sing. OK, I can do that.

Meanwhile, in the reception room, Adrienne's brother asked the ladies, who were setting up the refreshments, if he could put flowers on each table. They said, "We'd rather you didn't". The tables were covered with plastic tablecloths! Plastic! How were flowers going to hurt plastic?!

Then, Adrienne was told the church would only supply a certain amount of cookies and punch. They told her if more than 20-30 people showed up, they would have to "share each other's cookies!" This is an actual quote. Adrienne scrambled together and had a friend bring extra food for everyone. Good thing, cause over 100 people attended! In spite of the demeanor of these people, I believe Adrienne and her family had the closure they needed. Her brother blessed me after the service by telling me that the most "spiritual" part of the service was when I sang the first verse of the song. I'm thankful that God chose to use me.

I must say that as a Christian, I was embarassed at how these people treated this family. Where was the love? Where was the compassion? I mean, they had just lost their husband, father, grandfather and friend! I've said it before and I'll say it again. People don't go to church anymore cause they've already been. I'm not knocking Episcopalians. These kinds of people are in every church building, no matter the denomination. What I am knocking are so called Christians. What have we come to when you can't even feel love and compassion from a Priest when attending your own loved one's funeral? Jeez.

No wonder Adrienne's dad left.

For Adrienne

It is with great sadness that I write this morning's blog. My sister-in-law Adrienne lost her father two days ago. They had a very close, special relationship. She's having an incredibly hard time. I don't think that anyone who hasn't experienced the loss of a parent can fully understand the pain and agony that a child feels when Mom or Dad have left them. It doesn't matter how old you are, losing a parent is excruciatingly painful.

Losing my own father almost three years ago was one of the hardest things I've ever been through in my life, so I both empathize and sympathize with what she's going through.

It's times like these that we need to take a long, hard look at what life is really about. We need to realize how short it can be. So, stop and take stock today. Have you let those in your life know how much they mean to you? Are you still holding grudges or unforgiveness towards someone? Have you said words you regret that you need to apologize for? Is there someone you need to make something right with? Come on, pick up the phone, write that letter, swallow your pride. Because in the big picture, it's really not worth it.

I wanted to ask each of you to pray for Adrienne, my brother Robbie and their family. This has been very hard for all of them. I was so honored yesterday when my brother called to ask if I could sing at the funeral tomorrow. My prayer is that I will be able to bless this family in their time of grief by singing their father's favorite song:

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I am found, was blind, but now I see."

God bless you Adrienne. We love you.

This Is For You Girls.....I Love you......Forever

Just for today, I am going to step over the laundry and just be with you. I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you show me your new dance. I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off and we can do whatever you want. I will listen intently to all the drama that happened in your life and keep my opinion to myself.

I will not yell once, not even if you have an attitude with me. I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up. I will not second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned. I will let you cook dinner and I won't stand over you trying to fix it. I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you. I will let you stay up late to watch Top Model and not get angry at you in the morning if you're in a bad mood for lack of sleep. I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss any plans I've made. I won't tell you one of my jokes! I will not embarass you at your games or in front of your friends. I won't make you listen to my 70's music in the car! I will not be busy with something while we're talking on the phone. I will give you my undivided attention.

Just for today when I run my finger through your hair as we pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will just thank God for all four of you, and ask Him for nothing.

And tomorrow? I will do my best to do a "repeat". I love you.

New Blog Coming Soon!

So many of you inspire me to keep writing. Thank you for that. I won't pretend. There are times when I just want to shut the blog down and say good-bye to everyone because of the time restraints it can bring. But, then, I'll receive a message from those of you asking about the next blog. You tell me that you enjoy reading them while you have your morning coffee or a few minutes to yourself. That blesses me.

So, I ask that you please be patient with me, as I've had a lot going on in my life, both personally and professionally. Just last week, I was in Wisconsin to fulfill eight speaking engagements. This weekend has been almost as busy. I spoke Friday night, Saturday morning and evening and then again this morning. It's all good, though. I am always humbled and priviledged at the opportunities that God gives me. It still amazes me that anyone wants to hear anything I have to say, but the invitations continue and I'm grateful. My voice has been somewhat strained the past days, but I can still talk (I'm sure my daughter's are thrilled!).

I will try my best to write another blog this week. I appreciate your patience. Thank you again. I do love to write and I enjoy that there are people who enjoy reading what I have to say. It's a wonderful way to express myself and to get things off my chest when I feel the need to.

So, for as long as you want to keep reading, well, then, I'll keep writing.

Come Back Into The Light!

This morning as I was getting ready for the day, I lost power. Not my own. I still had the ability to use my arms and legs, even my brain, but my electricity was turned off! Now, if this had happened under any other circumstances, this blog would be about donations instead!

As I was just about to apply my Bare Minerals Fruit Cocktail Blush, I heard a noise outside of my house. The next thing I knew, I was in the dark! I immediately ran downstairs, bursted outside onto my front porch and there he stood. The "disconnect" man from my local electric company! He looked at me like "Oh, @#$%!" (I don't think he expected anyone to be home!)

I said, "What are you doing?!" He said, "Non-payment, Mam." I said, "WHAT?! That's not possible!" He said, "Hey, they just give me the address. You should call them if you think there's been a mistake." Oh, you bet I will! Then, he was gone, rather quickly, I might add!

I came inside and dialed the number. A rather unpleasant lady answered. She didn't believe me when I said "that check was put in the mail". I'll bet she's never heard that before! I pleaded with her to check my payment history. I told her that she would see that I had been a great customer over the years and had not only paid my bills on time, but I've always paid them earlier than their due dates! She checked. I waited. The verdict was in.

"Yes, Victoria, I see that you have never been late in the past. You are right, you've been a great customer." Whew. What a relief. I should have light within minutes! Right?......Wrong!

She went on. "But (oh, don't you just hate that word!), you will need to pay us a $150.00 deposit and $30.00 re-connect fee, along with your late bill of $90.62 or you won't be getting your power back on today!" I became dizzy. What did she say?!

Now, the last thing you want to deal with first thing in the morning is some rude, nasty woman from the electric company who holds the "power" to give you "power"! I asked to speak to her supervisor. She said that wouldn't be necessary! She told me that everyone has to pay these penalties, good customer or not. That it was my fault, not theirs.

I told her I couldn't believe that they did this kind of thing to good customers. I reminded her once again that she'd already checked my payment history, which proved I've never been late before. She didn't care. She asked how I wanted to handle this. I was stunned. This hasn't ever happened to me before (well, not unless you count when my Dad "forgot" to pay our light bill when we were little!).

So, I pulled out my debit card and read her the numbers. Then, $272.62 cents later, she promised I'd have power by noon.

After I hung up with her, I had a conversation with myself and then my sister, Brenda. I decided I was not going to take this lying down! Brenda encouraged me to call back. That's what I did. A nice woman named Georgia answered the phone. I asked her as nice as I could (I mean I'm not stupid!) if I could speak with a supervisor. I explained what had happened. She then put me on the phone with the "big bossman", Brian. I went through my story once again and apologized for the U.S. Postal Service's incompetence. I mean, hey, I didn't lose February's payment! Brian, too, checked my payment history. Afterwards, he agreed that I'd been a great customer. He promised to credit my account for the $150.00, but said he couldn't do anything about the $30 bucks to re-connect. I told him I could live with that. So, I'm back in the "light" again. Jeez! What a way to start the day!

Next time my bill comes, I think I'll hand deliver it!

God Brings Peace In The Suffering

Is it just me or does it seem like almost each time you turn around, another one of life's challenges presents itself. We can take 10 steps forward, feel good about this accomplishment and then something can happen to make us feel like we've been set back 25 steps.

My family and friends are the most important thing to me. Most of you know this from reading my blogs. Due to a very cruel person, some unfortunate events have taken place that have caused a lot of pain to myself, our family and some friends. I have always been proud of the fact that I'm a very forgiving person, but, this was such an unforgiveable act that I myself am struggling with my own need to forgive. Right now, my heart is filled with anything but God's love and forgiveness towards this situation. I know this is wrong and I am being greatly tested. I'm definitely not there yet, but God is truly helping me reach that goal. I'm counting on it. I refuse to let anything or anyone rob me of the joy that God wants for my life and the life of my family.

We're getting through this, but please pray for us. I know God is glorified in all things. But, in all honesty, at this moment, it's difficult to see that, but I stand by His promise that He will "turn something the enemy meant for evil and turn it into good for those who love Him".

One thing that I know to be true about myself and my family is that we genuinely do love God. I'm sure we've failed Him more than please Him, (I know I have), but I've always believed that God looks at the heart of people and the motivations behind their actions. I know that my family's heart is filled with love. That is just a fact. We've always been a forgiving set of people. This has been a great quality that each of us possess.

For now, I want to say to everyone affected that I love you with all of my heart. I'm so sorry. But, time does heal. Some things may never be the same, this is true. But, with God's help, I'm believing that soon, our relationships will be even better than they've ever been before. We must do our part, God will do His and then all that we've been through will only bond us even closer.

We are a family. And no evil can or will ever change that.

"Life of Change"

It's time. I'm about to reveal one of "Victoria Secrets"! Actually, it's not really a secret! Ok, here it is. I've met someone. Yes, I said it. And, not just anyone. God literally brought someone into my life when I was least expecting it. That is usually when God shows up, isn't it?!

I've had a relationship with God since I was a young girl. I wish I could say I've always listened to His advice, but that would be a lie. Yes, I've made full blown commitments to Him in the past, but over time, I would allow life and circumstances to slowly move me farther away from where I knew I needed and wanted to be in my relationship with Him. Hear me when I say that my promises to God have always been heartfelt and true, but life has a way of keeping us so occupied with it, that we forget what it's really about. I'm convinced that our relationship with Christ is more important to Him and to our well being than anything the world could ever offer us. So, I did it, once again. I submitted 100% to doing what I knew God was asking me to do regarding some tough decisions I needed to make in my life. It wasn't easy, but I completely surrendered my rights and made the decision to get back where I belonged, to be led by God's voice and His leading, instead of my own, no matter the pain it could cause me or others. I knew I had to choose God and His will and not my own. I can honestly tell you that some of the decisions I've made pertaining to relationships in the past were made on my own and not by God's leading. There's a difference when you let Him dictate what direction your life should take pertaining to all things. Big difference.

The Lord had been dealing with me about making some big changes in not only my life, but myself as well. Honestly, I knew some of what He was asking me to do regarding certain situations, but I chose to ignore it. I finally decided enough is enough. Upon making the mental and spiritual decision to trust Him like I never had before, not only was it a release that I'd needed for so long, but my life changed forever. I made this decision the first week of 2008 and I knew immediately that something in me had changed. I made God a promise that no matter how painful it would be, I would walk away from anything in my life He asked me to or that I knew to be not of Him.

I even asked God, among other things, to be the only man in my life until He decided differently. Don't hear what I'm not saying. Whether someone was in my life or not was OK with me. I was content being single. If I look back over my life, what I'm about to say shouldn't surprise you. Many times in the past when I have completely given over all my cares, burdens, thoughts or feelings to God, it would seem that's when something inevitably would happen! But, even I never expected Him to do what He's done so quickly after making this declaration. But, that's exactly what He did. The recent events in my life have surprised me more than my family or any of my friends!

For some of you, this is not news. You've already figured out that "somebody" has been putting a big smile on my face! You've even started asking me for details! They will come over time. For now, I just want to say that it's all true. Yes, I've met someone. Yes, he's been a pleasant surprise. Yes, he's already become a true friend and confidante. Yes, he's already been tested in supporting and encouraging me. And finally, yes, I believe with everything in me, that God is in this. When we truly are willing to listen, submit to God and be patient in the waiting, He does answer our prayers. More to come later, but for now, I'll just say this.

The sunny days are much brighter and even the cloudy ones are the most beautiful I've ever seen!

Who Are We?

Well, I'm Victoria. I'm a woman. I'm a mother. I'm a sister. I'm a daughter. I AM Granny's favorite! I'm a niece and a cousin. I'm an aunt. I'm a sister-in-law. I'm a loyal friend. I'm Trudy's best friend. I'm a girlfriend.

I can sing. I love to dance. I tell jokes. I laugh at myself. I like to decorate. I enjoy cooking. I like running, ok, make that walking! I use Bare Minerals Make-up. I like the smell of Johnson's Baby Lotion. I love 70's music. I'm passionate. I'm self-motivated. I'm genuine. I'm real. I travel. I'm flexible. I'm eclectric. I read. I go to movies. I'm a public speaker. I'm dedicated to my work. I drive a Lexus (it's a 1995 model, but hey, it's still a Lexus!). I like wine. I go to concerts. I attend plays. I'm a nurturer. I'm forgiving. I don't hold grudges. I protect those I love. I still believe in romance. And I wholeheartedly, unequivacably, believe in love.....still.

Sure, I could have written about attributes that I'm not proud of or still working on, but for what? Today, I'm focusing on some of the positives about myself, instead of the negatives. I am a work in progress. Each day, life brings with it new challenges, but it also brings new beginnings. Thank God, we get a "clean slate" every morning. Like a blank sheet of paper. We are the authors and we decide what is penned.

I want to do my best to make the most of each day that I'm priviledged to be here. So, today, I've decided to give myself a break. A pat on the back, if you will! I haven't always done things perfectly or even close, but no one can accuse me of not giving it my best shot.

I've learned in life that I have control over one person and that's me. And I'm all this girl can handle! Wow. Much less pressure!

And, I'm all about that!