I Miss You Dad.....Day 1

Three years ago today. It was a Friday. April 22, 2005. My day started out with a call from my Dad, just like so many mornings before. "Hey, Baby Girl, it's your Dad!" (I always knew it was him!) To this day, I can still hear his voice. We then proceeded to have our morning talk and catch up. We talked about our plans for the day, the weekend. I talked about my girls and how proud of them I was. I told him that I wished he knew them better. He said he did too.

Dad hadn't been feeling well. He had gotten dizzy earlier in the week and had fallen and hit his eye on the corner of his marble coffee table. Ouch! He told me he had an appointment to see his eye doctor that afternoon because it was looking really bad and seemed to be getting worse. I agreed that was probably a good idea. He promised he'd call as soon as he got back from the doctor. And he did.

When he called, he said, "Baby Girl, the doctor says I may never be able to see out of that eye again! Isn't that some shit?!" I could tell he was trying hard to be upbeat about it. I said, "Dad, I'm so sorry, but it'll be ok. I'd rather have you with one eye than not have you at all!" I was trying to cheer him up and I meant it! He said, "Good point, Baby Girl! Good point!"

He went on to tell me that he was still feeling pretty bad and thought he might go to the emergency room later in the day if he didn't start to feel better. I urged him to go. Again, I reminded him to be sure and call me afterwards. Again, he promised he would. But, that call never came. If only I'd known that would be our last conversation, the last time I'd hear his voice. If only I'd known. I wonder often, what would I have said?

Would I have told him how much I loved him? Would I have let him know that I was proud to be his daughter, in spite of all the heartaches we'd endured throughout the years? Would I have thanked him for all the times he made me feel better about myself? Would I have made sure he knew how much it meant to me that he could make me laugh when I was sad? Would I have let him know that even though our relationship had been strained at times over the years, I was so thankful that we'd grown closer the last 10? Would I have told him that I still remembered the "Oh, Mr. Lightning" Song he made up when I was 8 during a thunderstorm? Would I have let him know that I eat chocolate pudding in a cup (to this day) because it reminds me of him? Would I have thanked him for the gift he gave me to think positive? Would I have told him that it was because of him that I never wanted to stop learning? So many questions.

If only I'd known.