Haiti Called

My daughter, Tawni, is in Haiti. She's at an orphanage with children who are hurt or sick. Although, I'm incredibly proud of her, I won't lie. As her mother, I don't want her there and I wish she wasn't there. Because, frankly, it scares the hell out of me. I watch the news. I've heard about what's happened to some people who've gone there to help the Haitians, only to be shot or arrested.

When I first heard about the earthquake, I had this sick feeling in my stomach that Tawni would be going. I don't know how to explain it, call it mother's intuition, but I just knew. I knew she'd want to use her new nursing degree to help others. For those of you who know her, I'm sure you're not surprised. Tawni has an amazing heart and would do anything to help anyone in need. When I heard the news that she was raising money for her expenses, I somehow knew the finances would come. From what I understand, the financial support came quickly. You can imagine how my heart sunk when I realized she was really doing this. I knew she was going to a place where people are starving for food and water and using desperate measures to get it, even if it means hurting or killing the people bringing it.

I was told that she was going with a whole group of people from a church and staying in the Dominican Republic. I was told that they would be driving each day to Haiti and then back to the Domincan Republic at night to sleep. Now, I find out that she was dropped off at this orphanage because that's where she was needed. Alone. There's no group! She tells me there are guards out front and that she feels safe. She tells me that only a few of the older orphans speak english. She tells me that the children are hurt, sick and some can't see because of the infection in their eyes. She tells me it's hot and she's very sweaty and the conditions are horrible. She's alone there for a week and she tells me not to worry! It's very hard being a mother. Sometimes, honest to God, I wonder if I was cut out for it.

At this point, I can pray. Pray to a God that I trust to protect and keep her safe from bad people, harm or illness. And in reality, she doesn't belong to me anyway. Don't get me wrong. I'm sorry for the people of Haiti and what they're going through. I'm proud that our country and others are helping them in their time of need. And, as I've said, I'm incredibly proud of my own daughter for wanting to use her nursing skills to help. Yes, I'm bursting with pride. But, she's my daughter. My Tawni Bear. And, I want her safe. Safe from criminals, desperate people, disease or harm. I don't want a martyred daughter.

I want a safe, happy and healthy one.

Motherhood is a Love/Hate Relationship

Here's a revelation for some of you. I fight with my daughter's. All of them. I'm a mother to four very independent minded, opinionated, sassy, think for themselves, stubborn, beautiful daughters. Some more than the other one, but still the truth all the same. They are each unbelievably different, yet share some of the same qualities. And sometimes, frankly, we just don't like eachother.

One of the mistakes that I think many mom's make these days is trying to be friend's with their kids. I've tried, sometimes unsuccessfully to keep this at bay. My parenting skills have not always made me popular with my girls, but I've made decisions based on what I thought was best. Sometimes I was right on, and sometimes I just wasn't.

So, I'm guilty of a lot of things and I'm sure each of my four girls could produce a healthy list! So, I decided to make one of my own. A list of things that no one, not even the girls, can argue.

1. I've loved them with all my heart since the day they were born.
2. My love is unconditional (whether they believe that or not!).
3. I'm incredibly proud of each one.
4. Sometimes I don't like them, but always I love them.
5. They are four of the best things I've ever accomplished in my life.
6. I will forever be their mother, even after I'm gone.
7. They are stubborn, but overall, they are very good people.
8. They fight with eachother, but if you hurt one of them, they will defend to the death.
9. They say and do stupid things.
10. I will continue to forgive them for hurting me with their words or actions and lastly,

Without hesitation, I would die for any one of them.

Liam Eric Gary

I'm so happy to announce that I have become an Aunt once again! Congratulations to my sister Brenda, her husband Bob and to Regan (11) and Nolan (7)! My newest nephew was born on Sunday, January 24, 2010 weighing in at 7lb. 12 oz. Everyone is happy and healthy!

Our entire family are thrilled at the newest addition. I can't wait to hold, kiss and squeeze him! It's surreal that babies are still coming, but it's awesome. I'll post a picture soon.

God continues to bless our family.

Dying

My Mom's birthday was yesterday. She's getting older, I'm getting older, my kids are getting older. I think at 45 years old, I'm starting to realize that we actually can't do anything about it. We really do grow older, we really do die someday. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it's like a revelation for me. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just not ready. Still too much I want to do.

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I wonder about how cool it would be if I could just call him on the phone , tell him about all the crap going on at work, or the fight I just had with one of the girls, or how deliriously in love I am with my granddaughter. I know he would have liked my new husband. And there's no doubt in my mind, he would have been thrilled that I finally got it right.

I saw this movie today called "Everything's Fine". It tells the story of a family that lies to eachother about what's really going on in their lives. We do that, don't we? We ask those questions, How are you? How are your kids? How's your job? And we answer, "Oh, everything's fine." When a lot of the time, it's just crap. Why do we do that? Are we programmed to "fake" everybody out?

Come on, seriously, is everything ever really fine? I'm not saying that life is just one big mess all of the time. But, usually when one thing is going just right, something else is out of whack. What is it about just being honest? Why is it that so many people play these stupid games with eachother. Does anyone actually believe that their neighbor, family member or co-worker ever really have their crap together all the time? I say, Hell to the no.

We're all living on this planet, one day at a time. No doubt, some people have it harder than others, this is true, but nobody's living a perfect life. No matter how it looks to the observer. When I was younger, I envied so many of my friends and truly believed I was the less fortunate of the group. Years later, thanks to facebook and re-connecting with those same friends, I've come to realize, their "perfect" lives weren't so perfect.

So, let's all get over ourselves and face reality. Life is hard sometimes. People don't get along all of the time, families sometimes loathe one another and eventually, sadly enough, does it matter anyway? In the long run, what a waste of time, because eventually,

We all die.

Life is Hard, God is Good

Life can be very sad sometimes. I thank God that He sustains us through all things. God really meant it when He said, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."

It makes me sad to see the state of our world these days. The addictions, disrespect, disregard for life. It makes me miss my childhood. Even with all of its challenges, the poverty and times of sadness, I miss it so much. I'm not naive to believe that there weren't problems in the world when I was younger. The difference is, I didn't notice. As a child, I viewed the world through child's eyes, which is much different than seeing life through my now adult ones.

Life is hard, this is true. But God is good. And faithful. And kind. And all knowing. I set my heart and eyes on Him, for I know He has plans for me, my family and for our future.

No matter what life brings in the day to day, how bad it looks, or how much I hurt, He holds me close. And that, my friends, brings me peace.