Bittersweet Good-Byes

A little over a year ago, I began to sense a change was coming.  I wasn't exactly sure what that change was, only knew it was on the way.  Throughout my twenty year career in the non-profit world, God has always prompted this familiar stirring in my heart and spirit long before actual change would take place.  He knows me well enough to know He has to take time with me and prepare my heart for what's ahead.

I could pretend I'm one of those obedient Christians who, when sensing God's leading in a new direction, immediately takes action, but I would be lying.  The truth is, I fight God when I feel something's on the horizon which makes me uncomfortable, nervous or scared.  I mean, seriously, who the heck really likes change?  I'll argue and do my best to reason with Him.  Sometimes, I even have the nerve to tell Him He doesn't know what He's doing.  He continued to make things perfectly clear through other people and situations that happened throughout the year.  No, He wasn't changing His mind, but He was asking me to.

I knew all along what was coming, but preferred to stay in denial.  Once I'd finally figured out the change had to do with my future as the CEO of the Pregnancy Centers of Middle Tennessee, it was easier that way.  And, I'm not going to lie, it broke my heart. There is no way to measure the tears I've cried over this. I didn't want to say good-bye to the ministry and staff I'd grown to love so much.  As the leader of this amazing organization for the past seven years, I've grown very comfortable in my role.  We've created a "well oiled" machine that runs very smoothly.  Our team works so well together, each exceeding in their respective positions.  The center is thriving in every way possible.  Why now??

When I began my career with the PCofMT seven years ago, we were highly in debt and honestly, I didn't know how I was going to make payroll, let alone pay our buildings' mortgage and utility bills.  I knew I'd have to hit the ground running or we'd go deeper and deeper in debt.  With God's favor and also that of a great team, we worked diligently to make sure no client went without having their needs met and no bill went unpaid.  We worked tirelessly to dig ourselves out of a hole.   And, we succeeded.

But, when God says, "Go", you can ask questions, plead and procrastinate all you want, it changes nothing.  I had many sleepless nights struggling with this decision.  But, everywhere I turned, His answer was continually crystal clear, "Your season here has ended."  I finally reconciled with the fact if I continued to hold on to something out of the fear of the unknown, God couldn't take me where I was meant to go next. 

So, right before Christmas, I finally gave in.  I knew what I had to do and handed in my letter of resignation.  The Board was shocked.  They asked many questions, "Do you have another job offer?"  No. I haven't even started looking.  "What are you going to do?"  I don't know.  "Why?"  Because God has showed me it's time to leave.  I'm sure to a degree, they thought I was crazy!  At first, they didn't accept my resignation and asked me to take the holidays to pray more about it and give them a final decision after the new year.  Out of respect for them, I agreed.  I took this time and continued to pray, I sought counsel from my family and some close friends.  My decision was final.  My next step was telling my staff I was leaving.  I knew it would be gut wrenching.  It was.  But, they've showed me incredible grace and love throughout these past few months and will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Some family and friends thought I'd lost my mind.  A couple of loving friends not only felt the need to remind me I didn't have another job, but since I'm single I don't have a husband, who provides a second income and a health insurance plan either (for the record, I already knew each one of these facts!:). Another well meaning friend said, "Why not start looking and leave when you have another job offer?"  I told her, "Where's the faith in that?"

In my seven year tenure with the center, we've opened a second location, added new programs, remodeled our facility, increased our donor base by 110% and are now a debt free organization.  I'm very proud of these accomplishments.  I met every single goal I set from the moment I stepped foot inside this office.  I'm satisfied to be leaving the center much better than how I found it.  My successor inherits a healthy organization with an incredibly competent, trained staff, a supportive board and zero debt.  She will have no excuses to take this ministry even farther and do more than I ever did.  With hard work and a never give up attitude, I am confident she can take the center to the next level.

I don't know what's next for me.  As I said, I'm not leaving for another job, but I know, without a doubt in my mind, this is God's Will for my life.  My time with this center has come to an end.  I will miss the many donors and friends I've met along the way and I will especially miss my wonderful staff and the comradery we share, but I'm forever thankful our friendships will last a lifetime.

Am I scared?  Of course I am!  I'm human.  But, I also feel a huge sense of relief and peace.  I must walk in obedience and trust Him.  I serve a God who knows my needs and has my back.  I'm confident He won't let me down.

Without hesitation and with conviction, I can also say I'm excited for what's ahead!  I'm more than ready for my next journey.  I will take all the relationships, credibility and knowledge from the past twenty years of non-profit experience into the new adventures that await me.  And, there's something pretty darn cool and mysterious about that!

During one of those many mornings I found myself wrestling with God, someone posted this picture on social media.  It wrecked me.  After I picked my sobbing self off the floor, I began to laugh.  I was elated, excited and hopeful about my future.  It was my last "sign", if you will.  I knew what I had to do, took out my laptop and started writing my "Dear Board" letter.  It was a surreal experience.  This picture sums up the past year of my life, as I've argued with God about this new season in my life. But, sometimes we must just take a step of faith, believe and trust.

And, I'm trusting Him now more than ever.