Seizures and Such

Four months ago, our precious Maltipoo, Gabby, began having seizures.  The first one scared the bejezus out of us.  Kolby was hysterical while I took off to the neighbors, who's a vet tech.  Jess rushed over, tried to calm us down and spoke softly to Gabby as she was experience her episode.  It was so pitiful to stand by and watch Gabby stiffin up and see the look of terror in her eyes.  It was a helpless feeling not being able to help her in any way.  All we could do was wait for it to end.

Kolby and I were crying and convinced Gabby was dying right in front of us. The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes until she slowly began to come out of it.  Shortly thereafter, she was our Gabby Girl once again.  Jess explained that it wasn't as bad as it looked and advised that we watch her over the next few months.  She said this was typical in a dog Gabby's age.

A month later, it happened again.  Repeat above scenario.  With all the moving preparations, we decided to wait until we reached Nashville to see if and when it happened again.  A week after arriving, it did.  Time for a vet visit. 

After spending $275, the vet explained that Gabby most likely has a brain tumor.  To be sure, she recommended a CT scan ($1500), followed by brain surgery ($2500) to remove it.  I love my dog.  She's been my faithful companion for 9 years and is the smartest, most loving dog in the world, but there's no way I'm spending $4000 for a vet bill.  The girls' weren't very happy with me and the vet treated me like I should be reported to ASPCA.  We never went back.

Two weeks ago, Gabby had another seizure and last night another one.  Today, I took her to a new vet.  She basically gave the same diagnosis.  The difference was that she 100% supported my decision and didn't even suggest spending the money for a CT scan.  If she were in my shoes, she told me she would do the same thing.  She couldn't give a guarantee how long Gabby will be around.  It could be 6 months or a few years.  She suggested I take her home and enjoy every day with her.  I asked her about putting her on medication to control the seizures and she said if we did that she'd  most likely become lethargic and her quality of life would diminish greatly.  Gabby still loves to play and is very active.  So she has a seizure once in a while.  I can live with that.

I made a decision.  I came home and told the girl's.  We will enjoy our Gabby Girl for however long she's got.  We'll love her, cuddle her and play catch with her, like we always have.

And then I thought about something.  Medical bills aside, it's the same thing with people.  We don't know how long we've got either.  We don't have a clue how long we'll get to enjoy eachother, love, cuddle and play together.   

Hmmm, maybe the Vet is on to something :)

The Memorial

Your memorial was beautiful.  So many came to pay their respects to you. You were truly loved by your church, My Love.  After I spoke and sang, Pastor Jim opened the floor for anyone to share something about how they felt about you or a special memory. Many, many people stood.  They laughed, cried and shared something special about you, how you helped them and how missed you will be. 

As Pastor Jim said, "anyone else?", I waited.  I knew Tawni, your Bear Bear, had something to say and I was praying for God to give her strength.  I knew she would regret it if she'd said nothing.  Right at the last moment, she stood.  I was so proud of her, Trud.  You would have been too.
She talked about how excited she was to be moving in with you after your surgery.  She was telling everyone about your conversations about the girls' nights, movie and popcorn nights that you were looking forward to together.  She said you weren't just her mom's best friend, you were her "Aunt Trudy."  She spoke of how blood or no blood, you were her family.  It was precious.  She loved you so much, My Love.  And I know how much you loved her.  She was your daughter too and I didn't mind sharing her with you.

After the service, countless people came to me and what do you think they said, "Oh, you favor each other so much, you could have been sisters."  I said, "We were. We just had different parents." 
Every morning, as I'm getting ready, I listen to our song.  I'm planning a trip soon to "our" place.  It will be hard to go alone, but I feel like it's something I need to do.  I'm sure our favorite DJ will still be there and I'll ask him to play one in your honor.  It's not easy going on without you.  I still pick up the phone to call you and have so much I want to tell you, but I can't.  Sometimes the pain is unbearable and other times, I'm in total peace.  I'll continue doing what you thought I did best.  Stand up for what I believe, antagonize religious people and use my past to help others make better choices for their future.  You thought I was the "special" one.  It was always you.  You were the better of us.  That's why He took you home first.  He's still got so much work to do in me.
 
I love you, My Love.  I miss you so much.  It helps to know how much you're enjoying Heaven.

Your Memorial

Your memorial is tonight.  I'm getting ready to leave for Atlanta.  I know how much you loved your church family there.  I'm so happy that they decided to honor your life by having this service for you.  I will be speaking and singing again.  It is my privilege to do this for you.
It's going to be hard seeing your house that sits right behind the church.  We have so many memories there.
I miss you so much.  I had something I needed to ask you about yesterday and I couldn't.  I've heard there are 5 stages of grief.  One being denial and another is anger.  I think I'm stuck in between denial and anger.  As long as I don't think about you being gone, I'm fine.  It's like you're still here.  But, then when I need to talk to you like yesterday, I get really pissed off because I realize you're not.

I love you, My Love.  Forever.  And ever.  And ever.  I'll let you know how tonight goes.  Although, I'm sure I'll feel you there cheering me on.

Thanks for the "Visit", My Love!

It's been a week today. I'm still in shock. Denial. And I'm really pissed. There are a couple of things I have to write or I may forget. Last Sunday, the morning of your viewing, I was getting ready and listening to our favorite, Donna Summer, on my IPod. I was on #3 when the IPod jumped to #12. Guess what song it was? I think you know. "Last Dance"!! I just stopped what I was doing, started laughing, dancing around my bedroom (noone was watching!) and then, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't believe we'll never dance that song again. I felt like you were in the room with me and you skipped to #12 on purpose. Is that weird? I felt comforted by it, then very sad. I searched everywhere for my Donna Summer CD. I can't find it. I want to listen to it in my car so I may have to buy another one. It just makes me feel so close to you.

Yesterday as I was getting ready for work, I looked everywhere for a pair of earrings I wanted to wear. I could only find one of the earrings. I searched again and again, but couldn't find the match. "Something" caused me to look over to a specific spot on my dresser, where I noticed my silver hoops. I never wear them and honestly don't remember the last time I saw them either. You were the one who loved hoops, not me! It made me smile just looking at them and it felt like you were willing me to wear them. I did. And, just for the record, they looked much better with my dress than the original pair I'd plan on wearing.

When I was ready and got into my car, guess what was sitting there? Yes, the other earring. How'd that get there? Hmmmm!? Look, I know where you are, so don't start worrying about me thinking I'm losing my mind or going to visit a psychic. That's not my style. No, I don't think you're floating around like a ghost either, but I do believe that God allows those os us left behind to "feel" and "know" that the ones we miss and love will never really leave us. Maybe it helps with the grieving process, I don't know. I just know that I like it!

I drove from there to a meeting I had with Chick-fil-A about food donations for our volunteer luncheon the next day. Before I walked in, as always, I prayed and asked God to be with me, give me favor and for you to get to tag along too. Within 15 minutes, they not only agreed to cater our entire event, free of charge, but I made a new friend. She cried when I told her about you.

We always had each other's back and I feel like you still do. So, keep it coming, My Love. I can't wait to see what's going to happen next!

"Morning Coffee"

The mornings are the hardest. How many years now has it been that we talk every morning on my way to work? I can't remember. Our "morning coffee" together.

When I went back to work today, the hardest part was not being able to talk to you on my way in. I knew you'd want me to go back though. You always were my greatest supporter and my personal cheerleader who cheered me on and encouraged me when, so many times, I just wanted to quit.

I know you'd want me back at work doing my part in making sure more and more babies and their mommy's would be saved from making a bad decision. So, I made the decision to get out of bed, get ready and go.

I love you, My Love. I'll be listening to "Last Dance" every morning and singing along with you.

My Love

We buried you today. It's hard to believe that just a week ago I met you at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning to hang with you before surgery. I thank God that I moved back here six weeks ago. God's timing is impeccable. He knew He was calling you home. How precious of Him to allow us so much time together these last few weeks. I'm so grateful that He brought us right up the road from each other once more! Our four day girls' sleepover last month rocked! Junk food, 70's music, Arby's, KFC, all that crap we both love so much! I thank God in Heaven for that time with you.

When they were wheeling you away on the gurney to surgery, you gave your famous thumbs up sign. You were crying. I knew you tried not to, but it's ok. I cried too. I know you were so scared. So was I, but I couldn't let you know it. I had to do my best to be your encouragement, your rock, your support throughout your illness, just as you have been to me so many times the past 25 years. You deserved no less of me.

I spoke at your service today and sang "This is the Air I Breathe". Terry picked it. I knew you loved that song and I know how much you loved to hear me sing. It was so difficult, my Love, but I did it. I don't remember everything I said, but I felt you there helping me through.

These past 3 years since you were first diagnosed, I never took it too serious. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was bad, I knew that it sucked, but I never wanted to believe that this could actually kill you. Ok, I'm lying, I might have thought about it for a minute, but I didn't allow myself to go there. I couldn't.

I told everyone today about our talk before your surgery. How you told me you were really scared this time and it felt "different". I told them how I said to you, "Trud, whatever happens, it's a win-win for you. If surgery doesn't go well, you win because you'll be with Him! And if it does and you are healthy again, you win because you get to stay with us." And you agreed. I have to confess, I believed it and I still do, but it still sucks that you're not here with me. That's the selfish nature in me coming out again. I know you're used to that.

I love you Trudy Taylor. We may not get that condo on the beach in our old age, but when I get there, maybe we can share a mansion.

Dear Trudy

You died yesterday at 8:56 a.m. Terry called me around 6:30 a.m. to tell me I needed to get to the hospital. I'm so sorry, I didn't get his message. My phone was off. Please forgive me. You know I would have wanted to have been there with you as you left to meet Him. I would have encouraged you and reassured you that we would be O.K. I didn't make it in time. When I arrived at 9:30, you were already gone. Please forgive me.

As I ran towards your room, I saw Tawni's face. I knew. I knew you were gone. Remember the scene in that movie where the woman screamed NO in the hospital when her daughter died that we watched? That was me. I yelled and couldn't breathe. I thought they had to be wrong. They weren't. You were gone. Terry was with you. Just as he should be.

I got to spend some time with you. Your hair felt so soft and curly in my hands. I've always loved your hair. You looked so peaceful and I felt you in that room. Like you were watching us. Is that weird? I've experienced so many emotions since yesterday, Trudy. For a minute, I'm fine and then I fall apart. Or I sense this peace come over me that is unexplainable. I've been picturing you hanging out with my Dad. If so, I know he loves you already. My dad always loved beautiful women! Tell him hi for me.

I miss you. I will always miss you. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have so much I want to tell you. Tell me what to do. I know you're doing great, I'm not worried about where you are or what you're doing, I'm just selfish and worried about how I'm supposed to do this without you. I need your wisdom, guidance and your ear! Damnit, I'm pissed!

This won't be my last letter to you. You know me, I'm going to have a lot to say. Thank you for always being patient and listening to me ramble and complain about my life or the drama in it. You never told me to shut up. I would have, but not you. Thank you for loving me the way you loved me. I didn't deserve you.

Noone knows the things about me like you do. Nobody. I always felt safe telling you everything that was going on in my life or in my head. What am I going to do now? I'm sorry, here I go again trying to make something about me. I'm happy for you, my Love. I'm just sad for the rest of us.

I love you.