Suicide Sucks

Suicide.  I hate that word.  It's so mysterious and brings feelings that are very uncomfortable.  Yesterday, the cops are saying that one of our friends did it.  I just don't know that I believe that.

The times I was around this person, he was always so upbeat, the "life of the party".   Constantly taking care of his guests, making sure your wine glass was full and you had enough to eat.  It was evident that he wanted you to feel welcome in his home and to have a great time.  You'd never have suspected he was dealing with inner demons or depression.  He had a beautiful wife and two young daughters, who adored him.  This guy absolutely loved entertaining and enjoyed cooking seven course meals for you!   His cook-outs were not your typical hot dog and hamburger's.  He was funny, incredibly friendly, witty, kind, generous, sweet, light-hearted and had a great laugh.  Now, he's dead.  Not because he was sick with cancer or in a car accident, but because a bullet ended his life.

I'm so pissed off!  I've been thinking about him a lot, remembering how infectious his enthusiasm for life was.  Now, I'm picturing his little girl's faces when their mother had to tell them their Daddy was never coming home.  I'm feeling so many emotions.  Sadness, pity, anger!  Did he really do this to his family and if so, how could he do this to them?  You could see when you were around him that he loved his family very much.  So, why in the hell would he leave them this way?!  He couldn't have been in his right mind.  There's no way anyone who kills themselves is thinking clearly.  His body hadn't died, but had his mind?  It had to have been an accident.  There is no way this could have been intentional. 
I'm feeling guilt.  It's deep and puzzling to me because it wasn't like I was one of his closest friends.  But, there's this guilt nevertheless.  Did a disease called depression kill our friend?  If so, maybe I'm angry because noone saw this coming.  But, that's not fair either.  We can't blame ourselves for choices people make.  Can we?  Do we look for something or someone to blame because if we can find it, a tragedy like this is easier to take?  This guy  had a life that was blessed!  His family and friends were robbed.  I'm so friggin' angry about it!
My heart is heavy with sadness.  If he did this deliberately, it's so messed up!  There's no taking it back.  And if he did do this, it's heartbreaking that he was so distressed and convinced this was his only answer.  I know depression is real, an illness.  You can only go to a very dark place to believe your only solution is a premature exit.   
Here are some facts that have come to light recently.  He bought plane tickets for he and his girls to visit family out of the country this week for a 3 week visit!  Right before setting out on his walk, he was bidding on e-bay.  He had camping trips planned.  Does someone really do these things if they're about to kill themselves? I'm more and more convinced that this had to have been a freak, unfortunate accident.

For now, police have ruled his death a suicide.  I'm just not so sure.  An accident makes much more sense. 

So many unanswered questions never to be answered.  No matter what, he's gone and it sucks.