Sure, I can't do some of the same things I used to as a younger woman, but honest to God, I still think and feel young. I take good care of myself and try to look my best, but, let's face it, no one is going to escape the aging process or death. No one. This is the one thing we all have in common, no matter our race, gender, political affiliation or sexual preference. Guys date younger women to make them feel younger and some women do the same. Personally, I could never date someone young enough to be my child, but to each their own. And, it would be very difficult to date a guy who enjoys dating women my daughter's ages.
The days of being able to eat whatever I choose, without gaining a pound, are gone too. Although I still do it, those times riding roller coasters for hours are a distant memory. One time around and I'm nauseous. Sometimes I can't even remember what I ate the day before, let alone what I was wearing!
Am I the best version of the "me" I could be? Assuredly not. When I was married, was I the best wife I could have been? Nope, I'm sure I could have done better. Was I the perfect mother? I would say I tried my heart out, but even though I did my very best, I still wish I'd done more. There are things I'd change, but I can't do anything about that now. And, I choose not to dwell on it.
So, I've been thinking. God willing, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, but who ever thinks the next minute or day could be their last? This is why I'm convinced we need to make each day count. It's been said before this isn't a dress rehearsal. I don't believe in reincarnation, which means I won't get a "do-over". So, before I go anywhere, I want to make sure I explain a few things to some of the most important people in my life. I would also like to say, before I go any further, to those of you who've sadly already lost your Mom, I would almost guarantee she'd say the following same things to you if she were able. And, I'm truly sorry for your loss.
It's so hard to believe this year my girls will be 35, 32, 25 and 21. I have a 35 year old!! It really does feel like yesterday they were living in my home, fighting over shampoo, clothes and, sometimes, me. My beautiful daughters.
Teryn, Tawni, Kendra and Kolby,
I've said this before and I'd say it a million more times. You girls are four of the best things I've ever done in my life. It's been my greatest joy being your Mother. I pray I'm around for many years to come. I love watching your lives unfold, seeing you become wives and mothers. When I'm in my last days, my prayer is each one of you will be fighting over who takes care of me! The days I became your mother were the most exquisite, exciting and beautiful I've ever experienced. As I held each one of you in my arms, I was in awe. You were so beautiful, perfect and mine. I vowed to be the best mother I could be. I promised each of you to put your needs before my own. How could it be any other way? "I'm your Mom."
Trust me, I don't need to be reminded of the mistakes I've made along the way, some of which still haunt me to this day. But, the majority of every decision I've ever made, I made because I felt they were in the best interest of each one of you. Even the decisions you didn't understand, including ending my marriage to your father. Now, granted, had I known then what I know now, I would have waited until the last one of you graduated and left home before I ended my marriage. But, at the time, I truly felt it was the best decision for not only me, but you girls as well. That may sound a little crazy, but in the midst of all that was going on, I truly believed that. Looking back now, I realize it was selfish. I failed all of you. I will go on record and admit this decision is my greatest regret, as I've seen the pain and anguish its caused each one of you. And, even though, through it all, you survived and became well adjusted, incredible human beings, for the pain I caused, I apologize. With all my heart. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. How could I want to do that? "I'm your Mom."
Too many times, I've put my foot in my mouth and said the wrong thing or communicated the wrong way, but my heart was always in the right place, never malicious. I've always been on your teams. I meant it when I said I'd lay my life down for each one of you. I still mean it. Those aren't just words. You girls are the air I breathe. You're my greatest accomplishments. How could I not feel this way about you? "I'm your Mom."
I know you thought I was butting in your business when I'd force my opinions upon you, disagreed with some of your choices, made you change those shorts or fought to keep you away from a guy I knew was wrong for you. I know your value. I knew the men who made you their wives would be the luckiest men on the planet. You deserved the best and I wasn't going to sit by and allow you to settle for less than that. How could I do such a thing? "I'm your Mom."
Plenty of times, I'm sure you'd wished you could come home from school to a Mom wearing an apron, baking cookies, smiling and keeping her mouth shut and opinions to herself. Well, sorry, but you got me. "I'm your Mom."
I want you girls to know I knew you never meant it when you slammed the occasional door in my face screaming "I hate you". So, remember that when I'm gone. Please don't let that memory torture you. Do I know how much you love me? Of course, I do! "I'm your Mom."
For the times you didn't like me very much, I get it. Sometimes, I don't like myself very much either. But, I just keep trying to do better. Why? Because "I'm your Mom."
I want each one of you to know how much I love you. No other mother could be as proud of her daughters as I am of each one of you. I literally hit the jackpot when God chose me, of all people, to be your Mom. I truly did. Do you understand what that means to me?! How could I not feel this way?! "I'm your Mom."
There are times when you're not looking when I find myself staring at you. I take a deep breath, pinch myself and thank God once again for the incredible blessings you've been to my life. You may not know how much God outdid Himself when He created you girls. Well, I do. "I'm your Mom."
In closing, I know there were times I failed, hurt, embarrassed, disappointed or shocked you, but you can each rest assured. I've always loved you. Every single day of your lives. Even on those days I didn't like you or your choices, I never stopped loving you. You girls are my heart walking around. You've taught me so many valuable lessons in life, including the most important. You've taught me how to love unconditionally. And, nothing brings me more joy to say, "I'm your Mom."
"High as the sky, deep as the sea and all the air that's in between."
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