My Twilight Zone Doctor Visit

So, last Friday, I had a 9:30 a.m. doctor's appointment for my yearly physical. You know, the kind where they're supposed to check everything! Your blood pressure, heartbeat, ears, nose, throat, blood work, etc. etc. That once a year physical that your insurance allows and pays 100% (mostly). Anyway, I arrived fifteen minutes early to fill out my paperwork since I was a new patient. That's right, folks. I'd never laid eyes on this practice, never met my new doctor before in my life. You'll want to remember this fact. I chose this doctor from the list approved by my PPO.

My criteria? I wanted a female with years of experience and one who'd graduated from an accredited and respected college. From the looks of her, on paper anyway, I was sure I'd found my perfect match.

After filling out my paperwork, I handed it to the receptionist. She handed me back my medical history and said the doctor would go over it with me during my visit. Fifteen minutes later, I was called into the examing room, where a nurse asked me more questions and said, "the doctor will be in momentarily". Yeah, right. I waited the usual 30-45 minutes before the doctor walked in. She was attractive, seemed to be in reasonably good shape, wore a nice suit and had a great haircut. She smiled and introduced herself. And then I entered the "twilight zone".

I can't tell you exactly how it happened and frankly I'm still baffled everytime I think about it. Within five minutes of entering the exam room, this doctor, begins to spill her guts out to me about a special "friend" that she's got the hots for. I was in shock. I sat there stunned, shaking my head as she goes on, "I'm in love with two men, Victoria, and I don't know what to do. I really like this other guy so much! He's the first person I've ever met who's smarter than I am (not saying much) and I just can't help myself." She goes on. Seriously, she doesn't stop. "Now, don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful husband and we have great sex 5 times a week, but I really can't stop thinking about being with this other guy. I just don't know what to do! What do you think?" I said, "Seriously? Ahhhh. Well, let's see, how to you feel about God?" She looks surprised. "Oh, it's so funny you bring Him up, I've been trying to think of a way to convince Him that it's a good idea." Are you friggin' kidding me?!

I said, "Don't waste your breath, God would never give you permission to have an affair!" She looks stunned. "Why not?" Again, are you FRIGGIN kidding me!? I said, "Because it goes against everything He stands for." She continues, smiling proudly as she does, "I just really like this guy so much, Victoria, but you're probably right, I shouldn't, but I think it's a possibility." Then she laughs. Yes, folks, she laughs. I said, "Look, if you don't stop what you're doing, you might as well book a room at the Hilton." She laughs out loud again and says, "That is so funny. You are funny!" Friends, I wasn't trying to be funny.

After 45 minutes of this (and I've given you the very, short abbreviated version), the nurse phones in the room and tells her she has other patient's waiting. She hurries out the door, tells me it was great to meet me and she hopes we become "great friends" (not likely) and gives my paperwork to the nurse with instructions to draw labs on me. That was it. No physical, no, how are you doing, is there anything you want to talk about, are you concerned about anything going on with your body, nothing!

Oh yeah, did I mention that she copied my cell phone number (she took it from my chart) into her cell phone!? Oh and lest I forget to mention the 87 year old patient she tells me about that wants to "do her". Or that she told me he said "affairs are good for marriages." Well, of course, he told her this, duh, he wants to "do her"! I'll be sending her a bill for $100 bucks. I'd say that's about the going rate for a one hour counseling session.

I never got my physical. And, I'm changing doctors. First thing in the morning.