Episode 5 - Recap

Another great episode!  I grow more proud of this show every week.  Last night during a Reese Cup run for Kolby and I, the cashier looked at me and said, "Hey, I was watching TV last night and for whatever reason decided to watch this show on Lifetime.  As I was watching, I said to my husband, I know her! She shops at our store all the time!"  She went on to ask me if I'd lost weight! Apparently, she said I looked heavier on the show than in person!  I assured her that I haven't lost weight, but that it must be true the TV adds 10 lbs!  Anyway, she went on to tell me that she'd decided not to watch the show based on the previews she'd seen a month earlier.  Then she said something I've been hearing a lot lately.  "Your show is nothing like I thought it would be!  I'm so glad I took the time to watch it.  You guys are really teaching something through your show and I loved it! I really really liked it!"  That made my night.  I have a challenge for those of you who've done the same thing this woman admitted to doing.   If you're still judging the show based on something you saw in a preview or heard from someone else who hasn't watched, I dare you to take the time to watch it.  You don't have to tell anybody, just wait till noone's home!  Go on, I double dare you!  On with the recap.

The Coleman Family - Once again, we see Taylor going behind her parent's back when she and her friends decide to participate modeling for Demotious'(?) CD Cover.  What would Pastor Ken and Marie say?  I know what I'd say, but I'll save that for when I see Taylor in person again.  I'll start with this, "Girl, what are you thinking?!"  Side note: Girls, be careful what "pictures" you take with any guy! Even though you send in text messages, put on Facebook or any social media.  They could come back to haunt you later!  I digressed.  Ok, so Taylor's sister, Kendra, tries her best to help Taylor listen and explain to her that lying and sneaking behind her parents backs is wrong, but Taylor, like many teenagers, decides to do what she wants, without any regard to anyone else.  Typical teenage behavior.  It doesn't make it right and I'm not condoning it, I'm just calling it what it is.  While Taylor is busy posing, we see her mother, Marie, frantically calling her cell because Pastor Ken has been taken to the hospital.  But, like lots of teens, Taylor doesn't answer her phone.  I know exactly how that feels!  I absolutely hate when Kolby doesn't answer her phone!  I don't expect her to stop anything she's doing to answer, but if a parent calls you, you need to answer or call them back!  Especially if your parents (like Kolby's) are paying your phone bill!  Anyway, when Taylor finally gets word that her father's been taken to the hospital, she's genuinely crushed.  It's unfortunate that sometimes it takes a tragedy to get our attention.  Taylor showed true remorse tonight for some of her actions.  I believe that what's going on with Taylor isn't just a "guilt" trip, but a true change in her heart for what she's put her parents through.  It was emotional to witness her transformation before our eyes.  I love how Jesus pierces our heart to get our attention!  I teared up during Taylors heartfelt, beautiful prayer.  Pastor Coleman is dealing with health issues that he will reveal in his time.  Please pray for him.  My assessment of Taylor is the same.  She's a sweet, precious young woman just trying to find her way.

The Perry Family - Frankie?  Oh, Frankie? Where for art thou Frankie?  I'd like to sit down and have 5 minutes with that guy!  Girls these days struggle with self esteem issues everyday.  I'm convinced that God is so disappointed in men and the way they've treated women.  Believe it or not, God called men to a higher standard than this.  Guys like Frankie who tell a girl (woman) who manipulate someone, tell her what he knows she wants to hear, whether it's true or not, only to find out later they were lying snakes (I've had my share too) disgust me.  I felt horrible for Olivia.  She opened up for the first time since giving birth to Eden, allows herself to become vulnerable, even bringing him into her home to break bread with her family and then he shuts her out of his life!  Then, come to find out he's already got a girlfriend!?  Olivia, he doesn't deserve you.  As Forrest would say, "Run, Olivia, Run!"  It may hurt right now, Olivia, but Frankie showing his true colors is a blessing in disguise.  And I absolutely loved seeing Cheryl in action tonight (I want to see more of her!).  She is the kind, gentle mother everyone dreams of having!  Mark is a blessed man and here's the beauty of that statement.  He knows it and cherishes the women in his life.  It is quite obvious that Mark has his priorities straight.  Pastors should take notes!

Now, The Koloff Family - One of the most asked questions this week?  Did you know Nikita was at the door?  I had a suspicion that he was, but once again, my family did a great job of keeping their little scheme a secret.  The viewer literally witnessed one of the first one-on-one conversations we've had in years.  Even before our divorce was final and we were living under the same roof, we didn't speak.  We slept in separate rooms a year before he actually moved out.  We barely spoke even years before that, so it's safe to safe that this time together was the first in easily well over 10 years.

Although I was nervous and it was uncomfortable, I'm very thankful that I decided to go.  Nikita has made it perfectly clear that his way of healing from our divorce was not to speak to me all these years.  All of us deal with loss in our own way.  There were many times I called him over the years to talk about the girls and he'd never call me back.  Now, I get it.  I'm glad he was able to explain it to me.  Communication is my gift (I like to talk, duh!), by his admission, it was never his.  I keep hearing that night referred to as a "date".  Well, I don't call it that.  For me, it was more of a "healing" dinner.  That dinner lasted almost 2 hours, yet you only saw a couple of minutes!  There were many more heated, awkward moments that you may never see.  The girls' and I watch the show together every week.  Since it's been several months since that scene was shot, I couldn't possibly remember our entire conversation.  As we watched along with you, my heart broke for them as they sat and heard their father stumble through my question about his priorities. 

One of the greatest mistakes I've seen men (and women) in ministry make is putting everyone else above their family.  This is not God's will!  Yes, the girls were hurt by what Nikita couldn't say, but I wouldn't say they were surprised.  When Nikita and I were married, sometimes it felt like we were roommates more than husband and wife.  It was a very sad, unhappy marriage and we made our family miserable.  It's tragic, but too many people in ministry put their families last.  I will say this again, this is not God's heart! Throughout our marriage, Nikita traveled extensively preaching the gospel. He is one of the best preachers, to this day, that I've ever heard!  But, our marriage and family suffered because of it.  I don't believe this was ever God's intention when He called Nikita to preach.  He was an excellent financial provider and still is the most discipled man I've ever known.  Many times, by Nikita's admission, I had to play dual roles as mother and father.  That's not God's design.  It's sad to say, but some people in ministry believe they're doing the right thing by putting ministry before family.  In my opionion, they're mistaken. I do want to make something clear here.  Nikita is not a bad man.   He loves his daughters.  And he wasn't the only one in this marriage.  It took two of us to destroy it.

Some things may never change and there comes a time when you just have to accept that.  Even when we're not the priority we should be to someone else, we are a high priority to God.

During that scene Tuesday night, my son-in-law walked out of the room.  He was very angry.  He called me the next day to tell me how sorry he was for me and the girls.  He went on to explain how his own pastor father would cancel speaking/preaching engagements just to be at his baseball games or other events that were important to him.  He went on to say that he appreciated his dad so much more for placing his family above his ministry.   

Again, let me stress this point.  I don't want to sound like I'm trying to throw Nikita under the bus because that is not my intention. Our marriage failed because both of us made mistakes.  But, this particular episode is an opportunity for all of us in ministry to realize that God places high priority on our families and we should also.  I think if you can't do this, you should stay single.  It's my opinion that the correct priorities are God, family, others then self.  You may differ in that opinion, but this is my blog so I get to share mine! :)

I've had countless emails since Tuesday night's episode from wives and children who've told me they know exactly how the girl's and I feel.  They've told me that they cried through that whole scene because that's how their preacher husband/father treats them.  It's heartbreaking.  Although to some, it may seem admirable that a man/woman in ministry sells out to God, and it is, but it isn't Godly to put your wife/husband and children last.  Chad went on to tell me that when he and Teryn were alone  after the show, he told her how sorry he was that she grew up knowing she wasn't her dad's priority (unfortunately for Teryn and Tawni, they weren't a priority to their bio dad either).  Chad said he held her and made her a promise.  He promised her that she and Salem would always know they came second only to God.  That blessed me.  Your Dad doesn't have to be a pastor to neglect his family.  Lots of fathers neglect their families, so do some mothers.  I meant when I told Nikita that "every girl/woman wants to feel she's a priority in her father/husbands life".  It's the truth.  It's what every girl/woman longs for.  That's how God made females.  If you don't like it, take it up with Him!  Again, I'm very thankful that I went to dinner with him.  My goal is that this is the beginning of moving past the hurt we've caused eachother and starting a new relationship that benefits our children.  Whatever God's plans for Nikita and I will be in our best interest. 

I loved my "tea time" with Kolby and our conversations.  I wanted to make something perfectly clear to her.  They deserve a man who will love them with a love they've never experienced, a man who will cherish them and place their importance only after God.  This is what I believe God's heart is in regards to a man's love for a woman.  I pray their future husband would "lay his life down for her."  She and her sisters deserve the kind of love I've never had.  I truly believe as they continue to seek God's face and His will for their lives, they will one day have that.  And that makes this mother very happy!  I'm convinced that women like me who've searched and searched for this kind of love have continually gotten involved with the wrong men.  When a man pays us the kind of attention we crave, we cling to that man and then pay for it later.  I refuse to allow that to happen to me again.  And I refuse to sit back and do nothing or watch that happen to one of my girls.  I always say, "it is better to be single, than wish you were." 

I've come to terms with the fact that I may never find what I've longed for all my life, but here's what's been liberating for me.  I'm finally ok with that.  I know that I know that I'm all that and more to Jesus Christ and He's more than enough for me.