Wishes of the Past

How many people do you think you've hurt in your life?  Seriously and unfortunately, I don't think I could count the number of people I've hurt.  Ask me how many have hurt me and I could probably tell you an exact number.  That seems much easier, doesn't it?
My mother is 67 years old.  Divorced now for over 20 years, she lives alone with her thoughts and loneliness.  She makes me sad.  I've heard her comment many times that her mind often wanders to her past.  Daydreaming about the mother she failed to be, the wife she longed to be, her regrets and so on and so on.  I've tried my best to help her move forward, but she's just stuck.  Sure, she made choices as a mother that I don't agree with and my brother, sisters and I paid a price for those decision.  But, who am I to judge?  Who among us is free from that kind of guilt?

I've royally screwed up throughout my 47 years.  Royally.  Each day, I'm doing my best to be better than the day before.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I dont.  I want to make right choices, even though some are rather difficult.  Like my mother, I daydream too.  I find myself remembering times from my past that were good and satisfying and long to relive those experiences again.  Some more than once.

But, I can't.  The past is gone.  It's over.  It never comes back.  I suppose that's a blessing, isn't it?  Some parts belong in the past.  They're better to be left there because of the pain.  It's the good  memories that are the hardest to forget.  The longing for that part of our past that was happy and so satisfying.  I could live those all over again if I could.  I do sometimes when I'm sleeping through my dreams.

Life is so hard.  I don't understand it all the time.  Sometimes it makes me cry.  I miss the innocence of being a child.  I think about those I've loved before that I can no longer see or talk to.  So many people in my life that I miss so much. I miss friendships that I treasured.  But, this is now and that was then.  Doesn't seem fair if you ask me.

I guess I get it.  My mom, that is and why she sits in her lonely house all alone dwelling.  I get it, but I don't want that for me.  If the only chance I have of not thinking about past regrets in my old age is avoiding them, I'm out of luck.  I'll make more tomorrow and the next day after that.  Just another hurdle to accept in our old age. 
Yes, life is so hard.  But, God is still good.