Dear Trudy

You died yesterday at 8:56 a.m. Terry called me around 6:30 a.m. to tell me I needed to get to the hospital. I'm so sorry, I didn't get his message. My phone was off. Please forgive me. You know I would have wanted to have been there with you as you left to meet Him. I would have encouraged you and reassured you that we would be O.K. I didn't make it in time. When I arrived at 9:30, you were already gone. Please forgive me.

As I ran towards your room, I saw Tawni's face. I knew. I knew you were gone. Remember the scene in that movie where the woman screamed NO in the hospital when her daughter died that we watched? That was me. I yelled and couldn't breathe. I thought they had to be wrong. They weren't. You were gone. Terry was with you. Just as he should be.

I got to spend some time with you. Your hair felt so soft and curly in my hands. I've always loved your hair. You looked so peaceful and I felt you in that room. Like you were watching us. Is that weird? I've experienced so many emotions since yesterday, Trudy. For a minute, I'm fine and then I fall apart. Or I sense this peace come over me that is unexplainable. I've been picturing you hanging out with my Dad. If so, I know he loves you already. My dad always loved beautiful women! Tell him hi for me.

I miss you. I will always miss you. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have so much I want to tell you. Tell me what to do. I know you're doing great, I'm not worried about where you are or what you're doing, I'm just selfish and worried about how I'm supposed to do this without you. I need your wisdom, guidance and your ear! Damnit, I'm pissed!

This won't be my last letter to you. You know me, I'm going to have a lot to say. Thank you for always being patient and listening to me ramble and complain about my life or the drama in it. You never told me to shut up. I would have, but not you. Thank you for loving me the way you loved me. I didn't deserve you.

Noone knows the things about me like you do. Nobody. I always felt safe telling you everything that was going on in my life or in my head. What am I going to do now? I'm sorry, here I go again trying to make something about me. I'm happy for you, my Love. I'm just sad for the rest of us.

I love you.