Nothing is "Unplanned"

This week is a big one for those of us who've been fighting on the front lines of the abortion issue for days, months, years or even decades.  On March 29th, a movie will release across the country.  A movie that's going to change the landscape of the abortion issue, how others see it and challenge everyone to make a choice.  This movie is going to start a long, overdue conversation. How do I know this?  Because I've seen it.  That movie is "Unplanned".

"Unplanned" is the true story of former Planned Parenthood Clinic Director, Abby Johnson.  Abby worked at Planned Parenthood for eight years, until one day, she saw something that changed everything.  Up until that life-changing moment, she'd bought a lie.  Thirty one years ago, I purchased one myself.    

When I was twenty one years old, I found myself newly divorced and a single mom to two little girls.  Struggling to make ends meet,  I worked twelve hour days just to make enough money to pay our bills and put food on the table.  Their biological father, my ex-husband, had literally abandoned us. He just "didn't want to be married anymore".  This man always had an excuse why he couldn't send child support, so I had no choice but to work as much as I could to take care of these two beautiful little girls on my own.

I can't count the number of days he promised them he would come for a visit.  They would pack their little suitcases and wait hours and hours on the porch because "Daddy was coming!" Too many times, I had to plead with and beg them to come in and get ready for bed, as light turned to dark, without any sign of their Daddy.  No phone call.  No apologies.  Nothing.  He just left me to pick up the pieces of their broken little hearts.

A part of me died every time I watched their hope fade that "Daddy forgot us again, Mommy".  I was lonely.  I was broken.  I felt helpless.  

It came as no surprise when the first guy who showed me attention was able to win my heart.  My self-esteem was shot to pieces by then and I longed for a man to reassure me I was worth his time and effort. I needed resassurance my girls' and I would be important to someone.  I was barely a child myself, broken and wounded, doing her best to take care of two more broken and wounded little souls. 

This new relationship grew serious quickly and I found myself incredibly attracted to everything about him.  I was in love.  I knew he was "the one".  He told me the same.  We were going to be married one day, grow old together.  We became sexually active within a few weeks of "falling in love".  He loved my girls and we talked about having our own children in the future. He told me he couldn't wait to be a father.

But, when I took a pregnancy test nine months into our relationship, things didn't have the happy ending I'd hoped for.  

I knew the outcome of a pregnancy.  I already had two children.  But, when my boyfriend suggested an abortion was best because the timing just wasn't right for us to have a child?  Well, he was very convincing. I believed him.

When I called the abortion clinic and shared my story, looking for answers for what to do, the abortion counselor said, "Don't you think it would be very selfish of you as a mother to bring another child in your life when you can barely feed the two you have? Those little girls deserve better than that, right?"  She was very convincing.  I believed her.  

Besides, after all, according to the abortion counselor, I was so early in my pregnancy, there was nothing there.  Just a blob of tissue, a clump of cells.  The procedure would be nothing more than getting a tooth pulled, a cyst or a benign tumor removed.  

So, on a Saturday morning, I drove myself to an abortion clinic in Charlotte, NC to end the growing life of my six week old baby.  After it was over, before I'd even walked out of the abortion clinic, I knew I'd just made the greatest mistake of my life and would never be the same.  I was right.

It took over a decade for me to finally accept God's forgiveness.  It took even longer to forgive myself.  God led me to a Pregnancy Center in Concord, NC, where I enrolled in post-abortion counseling to receive the help I needed to begin my healing process. My life was forever altered by the help they offered me.

Since that time, I've made it my mission to educate men and women about the ramifications of choosing abortion.  It's been a calling of sorts to do what I can to fully inform those who find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy, making sure they understand abortion doesn't have to be their permanent option to a temporary challenge.  

For over two decades, I've spoken to tens of thousands of men and women at conferences, events and churches across the country, where I've shared my own personal story, a secret I'd hidden for so long, determined my child would not die in vain.  

Yet, there've been moments I've felt people still don't really get it.  I can't fault them.  Unless you've experienced an abortion in your life, it's hard to empathize with those of us who have.  Still yet, there've been many caring people I've met throughout my career who've been incredibly kind and do sympathize earnestly with the post-abortive man or woman.

But, this week, I truly believe things are about to change, as the world will be impacted by a film that will leave them speechless. Many will feel betrayed when reality hits they've been fed a lie.

I also believe healing is going to begin for millions of post-abortive men and women, who've buried their abortions deep in their hearts.  This movie will remind them they are forgiven, loved deeply by a God who knows no bounds and a God who offers redemption, even after an abortion.  

Pregnancy Centers across the country are preparing for their phones to be ringing off the hook from those looking for help and healing.

Yes, it's a big day for those of us who've been in this fight.  Why?  Because finally, through the telling of this true story, the truth will be revealed to all.  A truth that keeps some of us up at night.  A truth that causes some of us to fall on our knees crying out to God for eyes to be opened to this American Holocaust.  I don't know if laws will change in the very near future, but when the hearts and minds of millions are transformed, then and only then, will abortion become unthinkable.  

I'm not going to lie.  This movie is hard to watch, but I can promise you won't be sorry you were courageous and brave enough in making the choice to purchase that movie ticket.  Besides, whatever side you find yourself, don't you owe it to yourself to know what you're standing up for?  Also be warned.  After viewing this film, you won't be able to plead ignorance any longer.

And, please, don't hear what I'm not saying.  This is not a time those of us involved in pro-life issues should be celebrating a victory of "I told you so".  Not at all.  In all actuality, our hearts should break for those who have turned a blind eye to the abortion issue.  Because when some of these same people come to the revelation many have had before them, it will be difficult to comprehend and understand.  Each one of us deserve the facts and whole truth about this bill of goods we've been sold for decades.  

Today, the most dangerous place for the unborn is in their own mother's womb.  How can this be?  How did we get here?  There are no surprises to God.  He knew Abby Johnson's story before she ever lived it, just as He knew mine.  He already knew the choices we'd make.  Even so, in all His Love and Mercy, He took the very thing in our lives that the enemy meant to destroy women like us and turned it into good.  God also knew about this movie long before the producers had a script.  He knew the perfect timing would be His and handpicked every single person that would be involved.  He also knew this movie would be a turning point for many.

With all my heart, I'm convinced God will use this movie, "Unplanned", for "such a time as this".  People will be angry.  People will be shocked.  People will be challenged.  People will be heartbroken.  People will be moved to action.

A line will be drawn in the sand.  There is no in between.  Not anymore.

Which side will you choose?

The Real "Busch" Girl!

I originally posted this on 2/7/09.  With the passing of our 41st President, I knew she was going to be sad today.  So, I wanted to re-post this story for her and for me.  R.I.P President Bush.  In the sweet words of my grandmother, "You was gooooood President".

My Granny is Panamanian, and she speaks with a strong Spanish accent, hence my grammar when quoting her.  I adore my Granny.  You will too. 

Recently, I had to be in N.C. to handle some personal issues.  One of the best parts of going back "home" is I get see my sweet grandmother.  Visiting her is one of the highlights of my life.  I've always been her favorite, but don't tell my siblings or cousins that! 

I spent the day with her on Sunday and when I arrived, she was waiting at the door for me. She had cooked one of my favorites, beef stew meat with carrots, potatoes and of course, her famous white rice! NOBODY makes rice like my Granny!

When I walked into her house, she looked adorable. She hugged me tight, kissed me and was genuinely happy to see me. I hugged and kissed her too, took a step back and got a good look at her. I started laughing and said, "Granny, I sure like that ball cap you're wearing! It looks good on you!" She said, "Oh jes Bikki, I like dis hat. It's for the President, the President Booosh. I like Booosh. He good man. He was good President". I said, "You do mean President George Bush, right, Granny? And, is that why you're wearing that hat?" Pointing to her hat, she said, "Jes, Bikki, because I like Booosh."

I laughed out loud. I couldn't stop and neither could my Uncle Alan. "Granny, that ball cap you're wearing says "Busch Beer". That's not a Bush hat, that's a beer hat!" She said, "Oh my God!  Are jew kidding me?!  I went to Wal-Mart wearing dis hat!  Oh My God!"  After she recovered from the embarassment, she was laughing too! I immediately envisioned my little old Granny taking her weekly drive to Walmart, buying her groceries, spending hours in the store and then smiling at customers and the cashier with that innocent face, all along wearing her "President Booosch" ball cap!

Gosh, I love that woman!

The Forgotten Father's - Men Are Hurting, Too

Thirty years ago, at the urging of my then boyfriend, I had an abortion.  

He convinced me we weren’t ready to have children, promised we’d get married one day and have children later, said we’d be together forever, and assured me that he loved me.  

I believed every word.  

So, on a Saturday morning, I drove myself to Planned Parenthood and my life was forever changed. As was our relationship. Nothing was the same between us after we made the decision to end the life of our child. Nothing. Within a year, we broke up.  

That fact is, most couples involved in an abortion experience together don’t make it.  The act is just too traumatic to be reminded of it constantly by being together. 

There’s no question it changed our relationship, I don’t think we ever looked at one another the same. I’d catch myself watching him and wondering, “How could he say he loved me when he allowed me to go through that?” Like me, I would guess, he was wondering himself, “How could she actually go through with it?” Confused, with broken hearts, we said goodbye to our “happily ever after”.

Through the years, I thought of him often. When I did, it wasn’t with compassion or sympathy, but of hatred and disgust. As time went on, I found myself loathing the man I once loved and wanted to grow old with. I hated what he’d done to me, loathed him for what he’d made me do. I blamed him for years for what happened until I finally had to accept my part in ending the life of our baby.

In my mind, I’d imagined he was going on with his happy, successful life, having forgotten all about me and the child we’d lost, and this made me angry.  

I hated hating someone so much, and knew I had to do something about it, so I chose to volunteer at a local pregnancy resource center. My reasoning?  I felt if I could help other women from making the same mistake I’d made, it would help me deal with my own pain, guilt and shame. I was convinced post-abortive men weren’t suffering the same effects as the women they’d impregnated, and completely detached myself from having empathy for these post-abortive fathers.

After going through my own healing process, at the encouragement of family and friends, I decided to write a book, “They Lied to Us”. I not only shared my story in the book, but the stories of other women who’d chosen abortion and how it had forever changed them. Although I changed my own post-abortive father’s name in the book, I felt an obligation to tell him about it.  

After thirteen years, I picked up the phone and dialed his number.

He recognized my voice immediately. Then, something happened that will always be etched in my mind. He began to cry, then sob. I could barely understand his inaudible voice.  Finally, he calmed down and began telling me he’d waited and prayed for this call for over a decade. He said, “I’ve been wanting to tell you how sorry I am for what I made you do.  Can you forgive me?  Please, forgive me.” 

He went on to say, “As a man, it was my job to protect you and our child.  Our choice has haunted me ever since.  I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with it.  I wish we could go back and change it.”

In that moment, something changed within me.  

The hatred I’d felt for so long was gone. What I felt now was true compassion, empathy and sympathy for this man I’d grown to despise. Frankly, I was shocked. I had no idea, that like me, he’d been traumatized by our decision to end the life of our child. His healing was made complete when I said, “I forgive you.”  And, I meant it.

It didn’t end there.  

I asked him to forgive me as well. Because no one held a gun to my head when I walked in that abortion clinic and allowed my baby to be taken from me. We talked a little while longer, then said good-bye.  A ten- minute phone call changed us both.  For me, it brought the healing that was missing in my heart. It also shifted my paradigm as to how I’d view the post-abortive father from that point on.   

I’d had an epiphany. Men were hurting too. Men were experiencing pain and trauma of a past abortion, yet no one was talking about it. Any time the issue is mentioned, the focus is on the women and babies. The men are forgotten. But, we must recognize, these aborted babies had fathers.

Throughout our culture, men have been made out to be “tough, macho, insensitive, without emotion or feeling”.  

If they care to be vulnerable, they’re labeled weak. But, the truth is, men are affected by abortion in some of the same ways as women.  There are 55 Million+ post-abortive men in this country, men who are suffering alone from the effects and trauma of an abortion.  We can no longer silence them. They’re not talking about it because they’ve never been given permission to do so. They’re afraid of how they’ll look or maybe convinced themselves no other man feels this way. This is just another tragic ramification of abortion.

Throughout my speaking career, as I’ve traveled around the country sharing my own story, I’ve met hundreds of men at my events. They come to meet me at my book table, many confiding in me, a woman they’ve never met, because they know I’ll listen, without judgement or condemnation. Again and again, I hear the same things.  

“I’m haunted by the abortion.”  “I have no one to talk to about it.”  “No one understands.”  “We’re in pain too”.   Walking away, they’ll whisper, “Please, don’t forget about us”.

In the moment of decision, abortion may be a quick, easy solution for a man. He can then remove himself from the situation and move on with his life. For one thing, his body isn’t affected in the same way as a woman’s, so it may be easier for him to forget. For some men, walking away and forgetting seems to work.  

But, for countless others, it does not.  

These men still taste the bitterness and pain of their abortion. It’s always there. Without knowing it, this unspoken part of their past creeps up on them through the way they behave or treat others.

Men have told me they never understood why they were so angry, had trust issues, abused drugs or alcohol, or suffered from depression.  Some of these men have carried these issues for years, some decades, until they come to understand these behaviors stemmed from their past abortion experience. We must change the stigma of men when it comes to the abortion issue. Men want to be heard. They need to be heard.  They deserved to be heard.

And, we can no longer forget these “forgotten fathers”.

Selfless

I had dinner recently with a good friend.  We talked about relationships, which is what most girls do, besides make-up, kids, traveling, working out, decorating, carbs, etc.  You get the picture.  Since, I'm the "single" friend in a large group of married women friends, the question I'm asked frequently is "have you met anyone special yet?"  After I've answered, the conversation changes to questions about past relationships and long-lost loves.

During this time at dinner, I shared why I felt they'd failed and the part I played in their demise.  If I've learned anything from the past seven years being on my own and reflecting, I've learned I'm not perfect and I could have done better too.

This particular girlfriend has been married to her college sweetheart for twenty-nine years.  They aren't together "because of the kids", they're together because they're happily married.  I told her how blessed she was to still be in love with her husband of almost three decades.  I asked her what she thought made it work.

She believes one of the biggest reasons her marriage works so well is because her husband is an incredibly selfless man, who's married to a woman who highly respects him.  She told me, "Vic, next time, you need a guy who isn't self-centered or selfish".

Her comment made me think about the men I've loved.  It was absolutely eye-opening to realize I'd never loved a selfless man.  I thought about my daughters and their husbands.  Each one of my son-in-law's are the most selfless men I've ever met.  They love my girls' unconditionally.  Each one of them share healthy, happy marriages.

I think my friend is on to something. :)

An "Eagles" Blog Re-Post......because they deserve it :)

I've been listening to them since I was 10 years old.  Even at a young age, I appreciated amazing music.  It was my escape.  I lived for music then, as I still do today.  That's why I enjoy singing, (not just at a Karaoke bar!), but at my speaking engagements.

A couple years ago, I made a bucket list (see my Bucket List Blog).  God willing, I will check them off before I'm gone.  Coming in at #11 was seeing the "Eagles" live in concert.   At my age, you'd have thought I'd been to one of their concerts by now, but it's just never worked out.  So, when I found out they were coming to Nashville, I was determined to be there.  I absolutely love living in Tennessee.  The greatest concerts play here every week!  Well, nothing was going to stop me from attending this concert.  Although, it almost did, fate wouldn't have it.

With my hectic schedule over the past several months, it had slipped my mind to buy tickets.  When I realized this oversight, I immediately began my exhaustive search online to find them.  No luck, it was sold out.  Although that was disappointing, I was determined.  I mean, have you  met me?!

As a single woman, if there's a movie I want to see, I go.  If there's a restaurant I want to try, I go.  If there's a museum I want to tour, I go.  A vacation I want to take, I take it. I like hanging out with me, so I have no issue going somewhere by myself.  However, I admit, that a concert is the one event I'd never done alone.  But, this was the Eagles!  And there's a first time for everything.

As I got myself ready, my oldest daughter, Teryn, asked where I was going.  I answered, "To the Eagles concert."  She said, "Oh, good, you finally got your ticket?!"  Nope.

When I explained to her that I was determined to be at that concert, she wasn't surprised.  She knows me well:).  She told me to have a great time and be careful.  I was on my way.

Since I was already committed to a 7pm radio interview, I knew I'd have an hour before the music started at 8.  I had it all worked out in my head.  First, find a parking space downtown and do the interview in my car.  Secondly, walk safely to the Bridgestone.  Thirdly, visit the ticket counter for a great seat!  Then, just sit back, sing my heart out and enjoy.

My interview was over at 7:55.  I had 5 minutes.  Parking paid, $25.00, I began the two block walk to the arena.  There were people walking alongside me, with that same grin on their face!  Conversations took place all around.  It was like we were all old friends.  You could sense the anticipation and excitement in the cold, crisp air of Downtown Nashville.  It was the Eagles for gosh sakes!  As I struck up a conversation with a group of friends who'd arrived together, a guy in the group said to me, "Let me get this straight.  You came to Downtown Nashville to see a sold out Eagles concert, you don't have a ticket and you're alone?"  Yup.  That is correct.  "Well, you've got $%#@!"  So, I've been told.

As we waved good-bye and the group wished me luck, I made my way to the ticket counter.  The nice lady said, "Can I help you?"  I told her I needed a ticket and wasn't leaving without one.  She asked, "Are you alone?"  Yes.  "You came here by yourself?"  Yes!  (Jeez, people!).  "Well, that takes a lot of guts, so I'm going to do my best to find you a great seat!"  And, that, she did.  So, $120 bucks later, I had a great seat.  As I made my way to the arena, I ran into some great friends!  Here's a picture with Scott, who was there with his fiance', Sara and their friends.  When he saw me, he showed me a text he'd just received from my daughter, Teryn, who knew he'd be there.  It said, "Hey, if you see some crazy woman trying to get a ticket, it's my Mom!"  That was pretty funny.

My heart was racing because I was so excited.  I did it!  I was here!  I'm not going to lie, I felt a bit emotional!  I had a feeling I would most likely cry, or at the least, tear up when I saw Don, Glenn, Joe, Tim, and the rest of the guys.  (No judging, please!).  My seat was so close, I could almost smell their cologne.  It was absolutely one of the best nights of my life!  (I know I need to get out more!).  I met new friends (who were also shocked I came alone), who graciously included me in their experience, and were great dancing and singing partners.  The sweet ladies beside me thought I was way too young to even know who the Eagles were, let alone have every song memorized.  I was flattered.

It was a night I'll never forget!  Not only did I hear and see one of my favorite bands of all time, I proved to myself once again that "in the waiting", single people shouldn't cease to live their lives just because they are in a season of "partner-less"!  I refuse to sit by and watch life pass me by, just because I'm not someone's other half at the moment.

No matter what stage of life you're in, don't waste it by being a spectator.  I know many singles and even couples who don't have as much fun doing life together, as I do by myself.  Get off the couch, go live!  There's so much to do and experience.  Enjoy this short life you've been given while you can!  What a waste it would be to do nothing with it.

I look forward to my next adventure.  And, although, I'm not against taking a date with me places, having one or not having one is not going to determine whether I go or not.  I want to always strive to be that person who says, "I'm glad I did", not, "I wish I had".  Do the things that bring you joy.

What's next?  "Chicago?", "Elton John", "Paul McCartney", "Billy Joel".  Hey, I'm up for it:)

(FYI:  I originally posted this in 2013, but being I'm on my way tonight to see them again, I thought it was worth a re-post.  Although, some things are different.  Glenn won't be there and is no longer with us (which sucks!), his magic and music will live on through his son, whose joined the band.  And, another change?  This time, I won't be going alone. :)

Bittersweet Good-Byes

A little over a year ago, I began to sense a change was coming.  I wasn't exactly sure what that change was, only knew it was on the way.  Throughout my twenty year career in the non-profit world, God has always prompted this familiar stirring in my heart and spirit long before actual change would take place.  He knows me well enough to know He has to take time with me and prepare my heart for what's ahead.

I could pretend I'm one of those obedient Christians who, when sensing God's leading in a new direction, immediately takes action, but I would be lying.  The truth is, I fight God when I feel something's on the horizon which makes me uncomfortable, nervous or scared.  I mean, seriously, who the heck really likes change?  I'll argue and do my best to reason with Him.  Sometimes, I even have the nerve to tell Him He doesn't know what He's doing.  He continued to make things perfectly clear through other people and situations that happened throughout the year.  No, He wasn't changing His mind, but He was asking me to.

I knew all along what was coming, but preferred to stay in denial.  Once I'd finally figured out the change had to do with my future as the CEO of the Pregnancy Centers of Middle Tennessee, it was easier that way.  And, I'm not going to lie, it broke my heart. There is no way to measure the tears I've cried over this. I didn't want to say good-bye to the ministry and staff I'd grown to love so much.  As the leader of this amazing organization for the past seven years, I've grown very comfortable in my role.  We've created a "well oiled" machine that runs very smoothly.  Our team works so well together, each exceeding in their respective positions.  The center is thriving in every way possible.  Why now??

When I began my career with the PCofMT seven years ago, we were highly in debt and honestly, I didn't know how I was going to make payroll, let alone pay our buildings' mortgage and utility bills.  I knew I'd have to hit the ground running or we'd go deeper and deeper in debt.  With God's favor and also that of a great team, we worked diligently to make sure no client went without having their needs met and no bill went unpaid.  We worked tirelessly to dig ourselves out of a hole.   And, we succeeded.

But, when God says, "Go", you can ask questions, plead and procrastinate all you want, it changes nothing.  I had many sleepless nights struggling with this decision.  But, everywhere I turned, His answer was continually crystal clear, "Your season here has ended."  I finally reconciled with the fact if I continued to hold on to something out of the fear of the unknown, God couldn't take me where I was meant to go next. 

So, right before Christmas, I finally gave in.  I knew what I had to do and handed in my letter of resignation.  The Board was shocked.  They asked many questions, "Do you have another job offer?"  No. I haven't even started looking.  "What are you going to do?"  I don't know.  "Why?"  Because God has showed me it's time to leave.  I'm sure to a degree, they thought I was crazy!  At first, they didn't accept my resignation and asked me to take the holidays to pray more about it and give them a final decision after the new year.  Out of respect for them, I agreed.  I took this time and continued to pray, I sought counsel from my family and some close friends.  My decision was final.  My next step was telling my staff I was leaving.  I knew it would be gut wrenching.  It was.  But, they've showed me incredible grace and love throughout these past few months and will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Some family and friends thought I'd lost my mind.  A couple of loving friends not only felt the need to remind me I didn't have another job, but since I'm single I don't have a husband, who provides a second income and a health insurance plan either (for the record, I already knew each one of these facts!:). Another well meaning friend said, "Why not start looking and leave when you have another job offer?"  I told her, "Where's the faith in that?"

In my seven year tenure with the center, we've opened a second location, added new programs, remodeled our facility, increased our donor base by 110% and are now a debt free organization.  I'm very proud of these accomplishments.  I met every single goal I set from the moment I stepped foot inside this office.  I'm satisfied to be leaving the center much better than how I found it.  My successor inherits a healthy organization with an incredibly competent, trained staff, a supportive board and zero debt.  She will have no excuses to take this ministry even farther and do more than I ever did.  With hard work and a never give up attitude, I am confident she can take the center to the next level.

I don't know what's next for me.  As I said, I'm not leaving for another job, but I know, without a doubt in my mind, this is God's Will for my life.  My time with this center has come to an end.  I will miss the many donors and friends I've met along the way and I will especially miss my wonderful staff and the comradery we share, but I'm forever thankful our friendships will last a lifetime.

Am I scared?  Of course I am!  I'm human.  But, I also feel a huge sense of relief and peace.  I must walk in obedience and trust Him.  I serve a God who knows my needs and has my back.  I'm confident He won't let me down.

Without hesitation and with conviction, I can also say I'm excited for what's ahead!  I'm more than ready for my next journey.  I will take all the relationships, credibility and knowledge from the past twenty years of non-profit experience into the new adventures that await me.  And, there's something pretty darn cool and mysterious about that!

During one of those many mornings I found myself wrestling with God, someone posted this picture on social media.  It wrecked me.  After I picked my sobbing self off the floor, I began to laugh.  I was elated, excited and hopeful about my future.  It was my last "sign", if you will.  I knew what I had to do, took out my laptop and started writing my "Dear Board" letter.  It was a surreal experience.  This picture sums up the past year of my life, as I've argued with God about this new season in my life. But, sometimes we must just take a step of faith, believe and trust.

And, I'm trusting Him now more than ever.

The Big "V" Day!

Today is Valentine's Day! The day of romance, chocolates, balloons, flowers and love! For some of you singles, it's your worst nightmare and the most dreaded day of your life, causing break outs in a sweat, hyperventilating or sobbing in the fetal position, all while watching movies like "The Notebook"! (Big mistake, by the way).  Some of my single friends even requested no phone calls or texts today because they need to be alone.

I live by the motto "it's better to be single, than wish you were!"  If you're consumed with thoughts of "where is she/he?", may I encourage you instead to look at the positives of your singleness in the waiting period?  Don't hear what I'm not saying.  I'm not downplaying how hard the single life can be.  I get it.  But, I'm only asking you to consider something.  Don't you think it's past time you stopped wasting away in self-pity just because you don't have someone to share the bathroom!?

Here's my first piece of advice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Not only is it sad and pathetic, it's very unattractive. There are worse things than being single.  Why not embrace this time and make the most of it? Get to know yourself, figure out who you are, what you like, don't like or even what you are or aren't willing to compromise. This way, as you're meeting potential partners, you'll know if he/she is a good match for you and have a better chance to recognize the "red flags", which will save you valuable time, disappointment and possible heartache.

Let this sink in for a moment.  Some people are happier being single! Maybe they were in painful or miserable marriages and now they can finally breathe.  Sure, there are those lonely times, but being part of a "couple" doesn't mean you'll never be lonely, nor is it a guarantee your life will be "complete".  I don't care what Tom Cruise says, you can't expect someone else to make you whole! Besides, another person will only "complete" you for a time.  Once the Oxytocin wears off, you'll need more substance for the long haul, hence why it's so critical to know yourself AND the other person well, long before committing to a lifetime together.  I believe you must have at least some things in common with a potential partner, but this doesn't necessarily mean you should be exactly alike.  Personally, I don't want to be with the male version of myself.  Sure, we need commonalities, but I want my future partner to bring something different into our relationship, as I would hope I would bring something new to him as well. To me, this will only help both of us grow, stretch and step out of our comfort zones by trying something we've never tried before.  Opposites attract, but eventually, they may repel!  More people should stop being in such a hurry or believing in the lie "this could be the best I'm ever going to get, so I might as well".  There are plenty of reasons why this kind of mindset is not a good idea.  It's never wise to settle.  You'll both pay for it in the long run.

A life partner should bring out the best in you, encourage, support and love you unconditionally, despite your flaws, imperfections or your past. He or she should be someone you can trust explicitly with your thoughts or feelings, someone you can wholeheartedly trust even when they're away from you.  Someone who shares the same interests, along with similar morals and values.  I don't know about you, but I want my lifelong partner to be my best friend too!  To me, these attributes are very important.  But, demanding another human being "complete" you is way too much pressure on your partner and frankly, impossible to achieve.  This kind of security comes from within. You've got to love yourself before you can love someone else.  When you're filled with a sense of self-worth and your identity doesn't come from a person, you're much better off, more desirable and more fulfilled.  Look, people will always let you down, even in the best relationships, but when you're sure of who you are, your world won't fall apart when it happens.  And it will happen.  Others will disappoint you, just as you will disappoint others. And, it will hurt, but it doesn't have to be the end.  This is one of the reasons why, I believe, it's wise to find a sense of contentment in yourself, besides looking for it solely in your partner.

For me, it starts with my faith.  I find my strength from God's opinion of me, not other people.  There are those who hold me in high esteem, but, still others who do not.  For that reason, I choose to believe who God says I am. You'll have so much more to offer someone when you truly have the security of knowing you're enough. Confidence is sexy!  If you're constantly telling yourself, "when I'm a couple, then I'll do this or that" or "when I meet him/her, I'll be fulfilled" or "when I lose 10 lbs., then I'll be good", or the greatest lie of all, "if I just had a husband/wife, then I'd be happy"!  You're only kidding and torturing yourself!  And, the great news?!  You don't have to wait until you're part of a couple to be whole!  However, your outcome and how you see yourself starts with you and what you choose to do about it.

Why not try making the best out of your single life while you're in it?  Granted, my life doesn't resemble anything out of "Sex and the City" (nor would I want it to, although I do love Carrie's wardrobe!), but I've learned so much about myself and frankly, it's been quite liberating.  So, stop waiting till you're in a relationship to enjoy all that life has to offer! Get out and live!  Go to that concert, movie, play or take that trip you've always wanted to take!  Treat yourself.  Your future partner will appreciate you're secure in who you are.  I've been in a relationship with an insecure man before, who was jealous of my successes and even my relationships with my family, friends and children.  He was incredibly needy, expecting me to make him feel whole.  Nothing I did was ever enough.  It was not fun, not to mention, it was completely exhausting and the relationship ended.

Yes, I'm excited about being in love again, enjoying a healthy relationship and sharing my life with someone.  I can't wait!  I'm ready and have much to offer my future partner.  I know he's out there, but I'm not constantly looking for or obsessed with finding him.  Besides, I want him to come find me! Yes, I'm an independent woman, but I'm still a woman!  I want to be romanced, longed for and pursued. 

With confidence I say this, when he does show up, he'll know, (as I will), he's found the best thing that's ever happened to him!  In the meantime, in the waiting period, wherever he is, I pray he's doing the same kinds of things I am; working on himself, making responsible decisions and looking forward to the day he finds me.  I hope he's already considering me in all he does, as I'm considering him. 

Great, loving, healthy relationships are worth waiting for.  In my season of singleness, I refuse to wallow in self pity or believe I'm missing out on all life has to offer, simply because I'm alone for the time being.   I admit there are those days I wonder "where is he?", the days I long to be held, touched and kissed, but I refuse to allow those thoughts to consume me.  Life is too short and beautiful. 

For fun, I put together a list of some of the things I've discovered living this single life.  Get out a pen and paper and start your list today.  You'll be pleasantly surprised by what you find:).

Here's my (very) Partial List:

#1: I've learned that I like being with me. How about that? Most people can't stand to be alone with themselves longer than 30 minutes. I, on the other hand, enjoy my "me" time. My friends ask me to go out with them lots of times and even have set me up on dates, but honestly, sometimes I just want to be home with a good book, a cup of french vanilla coffee or watch a movie in bed with a bowl of buttery popcorn by my side.

#2: I've learned how to change an AC Filter! (Did you know these need changing periodically?)

#3: I've learned how to use a plunger!

#4: I can actually change a ceiling light fixture!

#5: I get to choose whether I want to cook or go out to eat!

#6: I can clean out a garage all by myself!

#7: I can start a push lawnmower and use it!

#8: I can carry a live Christmas tree out to the curb for trash pick up!

#9: I can use a ladder!

#10: I can change the battery on a smoke detector!

#11: I can make investing decisions (with the help of my financial planner)!

#12: I can use a grill!

#13: I can go to a restaurant, on vacation, a movie, concert or live show all by myself!

I also wrote another list, one I will not share here.  It's a list of the kind of man I'm waiting for and I would challenge you to do the same.  Make your list in great detail.  One day, I will share this list with the last "love of my life". 

One day I'll be writing a different kind of "Love" Blog and I can't wait!  But, until that glorious day arrives, I'm enjoying my life and the many relationships I'm incredibly thankful for, which are so important to me.  I encourage you to search for the blessings in your life.  They're all around you.  I promise!

And, lastly! Until my Valentine shows up to shower me with love, respect and his undying affections, if I want a box of candy, flowers, balloons or a Valentine's Card, I can go out and BUY them myself!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Miracles, Prayers and a Baby Boy

A little over a year ago, I received an inbox message on my personal Facebook page from a desperate young woman in Georgia, who was in a crisis.  I'll call her "Laura".  She was a single mother of two.  She'd been raped.  She was pregnant.  She wanted an abortion.  She reached out to me.

This young woman didn't know me, she only knew about me through watching my family and I on a television show.  Because of this, she'd decided months earlier to start following me on social media.  They say you can tell a lot about a person through their social media posts, who they are, what they do and even what they believe in.  I have to say I agree.

Just by following me, she not only found out things about my personal life, but professional life, as well.  I've been working with crisis pregnancy centers for over twenty years.  Throughout my career, I've counseled thousands of young women, men and families in crisis.  I speak about this a lot through social media.  I'm outspoken about things I believe in too.  Some of my opinions are popular and well-received, others, not so much.  For instance.  Yes, I'm absolutely pro-life, but also pro-choice.  No, I am not pro-death, but, pro-choice.  There is a difference.  On many occasions, I've proclaimed to be more pro-choice than those who stand for pro-choice causes.  Let me explain.

I serve a God who gives each one of us free will.  He doesn't force anything upon us.  He's given us an incredible gift, the freedom of choice.  I've never believed we have the right to force anyone to do anything they don't want to do.  That's between the individual person and God, not me.  We will all answer for our own actions.  I will answer for mine, you will answer for yours.  Geez, I'm doing my best to lead my own life, let alone try and run someone else's.

However, I do believe in education and information.  I also believe it is wise to listen to the counsel of others who've walked where you are about to tread.  Only a fool refuses to seek direction or advice from those who've already been where they are headed.  There's no question "without knowledge, we will perish."

My point is I don't believe I have the right to make a woman's choice for her.  That's hers and only hers to make.  However, because of my own experience, I feel it's my obligation to share my story and how it negatively impacted my life.  My desire is no woman makes an abortion decision out of ignorance, but becomes well informed before making such a life altering decision. 

When this young woman reached out to me, she was looking for help, answers and support.  I did my best to give her that, without judgement, condemnation or threats of where she'd spend eternity.  I've been in a crisis pregnancy.  It's a terrifying place to be, especially when no one is listening to your fears.  Being a post-abortive woman myself, I could sympathize and empathize with her position.

This young woman was desperately struggling with a decision whether to abort her child or not.  She didn't believe in or want an abortion, but was agonizing about carrying the child of a rapist.  I knew she didn't want to do it, but I also knew she needed help navigating her decision.  It was clear to me this was a young woman who would forever regret choosing abortion, but it wasn't my job to convince her to do anything.  She had to make the decision on her own.  I just wanted to make sure I was there for her and answer her questions honestly.

After long conversations, she decided not to end her three month pregnancy.  A family member had stepped up and offered to adopt the baby.  This was great news! Unfortunately, our celebration didn't last long.

Three years ago at a family cook out, I met one of my daughter, Teryn's, best friends.  I'll call her "Anna".  She and her husband have one son.  They've always wanted to adopt.  The first time Anna met me, she approached me and gave me a huge hug.  She said, "Teryn told me about the work you do.  I'm fascinated and want to hear more!  My husband and I have always known we were going to adopt one day.  By the way, God told me you're going to be the person who brings us our baby!"  I was taken aback and quickly responded I didn't have anything to do with adoptions so she was mistaken.  She said, "No, I'm not.  You're the one.  You're the one who's going to bring us our baby.  You'll see."

For the next two years, each and every time I saw Anna and her husband, she approached me with the same determination.  She was relentless!  She must have told me "You're going to bring us our baby!  You'll see!" more than a dozen times.  It was to the point I told my daughter, Teryn, "Please tell your friend, Anna, to stop saying that.  I don't handle adoptions and she's going to get her hopes up and I can't help her!"  But, she never stopped.   I was starting to dread going to parties or cook-outs where I knew Anna would be!  Don't hear what I'm not saying.  She and her husband are wonderful people, my good friends and I love them dearly.  I just couldn't stand the thought of not being able to help them and knew there was nothing I could do to "find" them a baby.

A few weeks after my last communication from Laura, I received notification she'd written again.  For some reason, I knew in my gut it wasn't good news.  It wasn't.  My heart dropped.  The family member who'd agreed to adopt her baby backed out.  She was in a panic.  She started talking abortion again.  She was devastated, scared and didn't know how she was going to raise another child on her own, especially one who'd been conceived in such a violent way.  I kept reminding her it wasn't fair for this baby to pay for the sins of his father by losing his life to abortion.  She agreed.

We worked through it again.  She promised not to do anything and take more time to think about her decision.  The next email I received from Laura was another family member had offered to adopt the child.  We were both relieved.

Yet, another month later, she received more bad news.  The newest family member had backed out too.   The good news was she'd made a decision.  She wasn't going to have an abortion.  Laura was now six months pregnant.  Although she made the decision not to have an abortion, she hadn't changed her mind about raising this baby.  So, she said, "I promise you I won't have an abortion, but I need you to help me find the right parents to raise this child.  Do you know anyone?  I trust you."  I immediately thought of Anna.  I told her there was a family I knew who could be a good fit, but to give me a few days to reach out to them.  Laura felt relieved.  This was a Friday afternoon.

By Friday evening, I was on the phone with Anna.  I'd texted Anna and asked her to call me when she had a chance.  Anna rarely has her phone on hand, so I didn't expect to hear from her right away, yet within five minutes, my phone was ringing.  When I answered, she didn't say, "What's up?" or "How are you"?  She was screaming and crying into the phone, "You've got my baby!  You've got my baby, don't you?!  I KNOW you have my baby!"  I was shocked.  I did my best to calm her down, to no avail.  She put me on speaker, as her husband had now joined the conversation.

I told them Laura's story. I told them everything.  Afterwards, Anna's husband said, "You don't know this, Victoria, but my father's Dad was a product of rape.  I have no issue with how this baby boy was conceived."  I was absolutely stunned.  I went on to tell them the child would be bi-racial.  Once again, I was speechless by Ann's matter-of-fact response, "Oh, of course, he is, Vic.  We've always known our son would be of a mixed race."

They couldn't wait to speak with her.  Then Anna said, "It's a boy, isn't it?"  I knew Laura was carrying a son, she'd already told me weeks earlier, but I hadn't mentioned it to Anna or her husband.  I said, "Yes, she's carrying a boy, but how did you know!?"  This is basically verbatim what she told me.

She said, "I've been praying and fasting for three weeks.  God knows my desire for another child.  This past Tuesday was the last day of my fast.  God spoke to my heart.  He said, "Your son is on the way".  I thought he was telling me I was pregnant, so I rushed out to take a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I was devastated.  Vic, this is my son.  I know this is our son!  I told you God was going to use you to bring us our son!"  I had chills all over my body.

After I picked my mouth off the floor, I was crying.  Through the phone, Anna, her husband and I were all crying.  We decided to set up a "Skype" meeting with Laura for that Sunday afternoon.  Everyone clicked.  They loved her, she loved them.

We decided to make a trip to Georgia, where Laura lived a few weeks later.  It was a beautiful, surreal time together.  This WAS Anna's son.  Laura knew it.  Anna knew it.  I knew it.

Let me clarify something here.  In my twenty year career, I've never facilitated an adoption.  When someone walks into our center, they become a client.  If they decide to seek an adoption plan, we immediately refer them to credible adoption agencies.  But, Laura wasn't a client.  She'd never stepped foot into our center.  She lived out of State and personally reached out to me on my personal social media account looking for help and advice from a woman she'd seen on television, whom she knew worked with women in crisis.  She even told me I was the first person she thought of when she'd discovered she was pregnant.  Since she came to me through my own personal social media account, the entire scenario was different.  This was another "God" thing orchestrated by Him from the very beginning of this journey.  Do you understand I could not have helped Laura find her adoptive parents had she walked into our clinic and became a client?!  But, she never had!  God knew this and He worked out the particulars!

Anna and her husband moved to Georgia the last month of Laura's pregnancy.  They didn't want to miss the birth of their son.  Although, they wanted me in the birthing room as well, my own daughter, Tawni, was due around the same time, so I couldn't go.  But, thanks to FaceTime, I was able to be part of it.

A complication happened during labor.  Laura had to be rushed into surgery for a cesarean section.  She literally almost died, as did her son.  But, once again, God had other plans and both of them came through surgery and thrived!  On May 14, 2017, (the same birthday as my youngest daughter, Kolby!), a beautiful baby boy, with a head full of black hair, entered the world and changed the lives of so many of us forever.

Baby "M" has been home in Nashville living with his Mommy, Daddy and big brother since he was born.  Laura continues to do well and has never once regretted her decision to carry her son and place him up for adoption.  She has told me many times this baby never belonged to her, but always to Anna.  Through this experience, she's grown closer to God, as we all have, and life has made some amazing turns for her.  She's in school now and her education has been completely paid for!  She will be a part of my life forever.  She and this baby boy hold a special place in my heart for always.  She's my hero.

As for Anna, she can't stop smiling.  She loves to tell me, "I told you so."  Now, our conversation has changed.  When I see her at cook-outs or parties, she says, "Vic, your husband is on the way and he's going to be AMAZING!"  Who am I to argue with her?! LOL!

I'll never forget what Laura said to me recently.  She said, "Victoria, God knew how and when this child would be conceived before I did and He knew I would consider abortion.  He was also well aware, in another place far away from me, Anna was praying for her baby to adopt.  Before this story even began, He led me to a show knowing I would fall in love with you and your family, which would then cause me to search you out on social media, as I was so drawn to you.  God knew before I did how much I was going to need you in the coming days.  And, because of these little details, all orchestrated by Him, this baby boy is with the family he was born to be with all along.  I take comfort knowing I did the right thing and this child's purpose in life will be fulfilled.  Do you realize all of this happened because of a TV Show?"

Wow.  God will use anything to reach, help or guide us, won't He?!  He'll use whatever it takes to get our attention to fulfill His Purpose.  Even, a reality television show called, "Preacher's Daughters". :)

Pictures of Baby M and months later, I was there to attend his Official Adoption Day on the day he legally became Anna's son.  Although, we all know, he always was. :)

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. — Genesis 50:20 NASB

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. — Genesis 50:20 NIV

But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. — Genesis 50:20 NKJV

(Disclaimer:  All those involved have given me permission to share this story.)

Happy Birthday Tawni Bear!

Thirty two years ago, I was working at a hospital emergency room when I realized I was a little "late". I asked one of the doctors (one of the perks working at a hospital!) if he would order a pregnancy blood test. I knew this was the quickest, surest way to know for sure. I went to the lab, had a vial of blood drawn and then all I could do was wait for the results. It didn't come before my shift was over so I would have to continue my wait at home. It was the longest 2 hours of my life!

The phone rang. I grabbed it before the second ring! "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" This was definitely a surprise, but a pleasant one. I was shocked, but smiling at the same time. I was going to have a baby! This baby would be joining her sister in about 7 months.

Without going into a lot of details, her arrival didn't come without some challenges. I almost lost her several times throughout my pregnancy.

But, we made it. And, fifteen hours into labor, the nurse checked me and said, "You have several more hours to go, so just try to relax. It's going to be awhile." Literally, within minutes after she left my hospital room (I'm not kidding, it was minutes!), I looked over at her biological father (who was sitting in a chair reading a magazine!) and said, "Something's happened. This baby is ready!" He said, "No, it's not. The nurse said it would be awhile. You're wrong." He went back to his magazine! I screamed, "Go and get her!" He still didn't move. I pressed my nurse call button. (FYI, we were separated by the time this baby girl was 8 months old, go figure!).  Finally, the Nurse came and checked me. And, guess what, there she was, my baby girl, ready to make her entrance into the world!

On that momentus day, 32 years ago, May 5, 1985 at 3:26 p.m., I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, 7lb 9oz baby girl I named Tawni Blair.

And she has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Tawni is beautiful, gifted, talented, free spirited, genuine, funny, compassionate and has a heart like no one I've ever known. I am blessed that God chose my womb to carry her for 9 months (more like 10 since the little brat was late!).

Tawni, you are not only my daughter, a sister, an amazing wife to Matt, incredible nurse and wonderful human being, but you're now a Mother-to-Be yourself!  Your Baby Bear is due any day now and I can't wait to hold this child in my arms.  You're going to be an amazing Mother!

My gosh, time flies. Seems like yesterday you were getting stuck in the dryer, picking your nose, making family videos or sneaking out of the house! Oh wait, it was just yesterday! LOL! Just look at you!  Your heart for others is an inspiration to me and so many others!

So, Happy Birthday, my Tawni "Bear". You truly are one of the greatest accomplishments in my life and one of the best things I've ever done. I could not be more proud to be called your mommy. I don't deserve you, but, like it or not, you're stuck with me. I am your mother and you are my daughter. I've got the stretch marks to prove it! (I'm sure you miss hearing that, huh?!) I am blessed to be your mother.

I love you. High as the sky, deep as the sea and all the air that's in between.

There is Healing in the Waiting

My last serious relationship ended five years ago.  I believed he was "the one", my "person".  With 100% certainty, I was so sure I'd heard God confirm this was it.  I was the woman who spoke at women's conferences warning women to choose wisely their partner, look for the warning signs, etc. etc., yet I fell prey myself.  It was a huge blow to my ego and an earth shattering event for me, when a few years into the relationship, things began to unravel.  I was devastated.  I began to question everything I taught, knew and believed.  It was one of the hardest, most brutally painful things I've ever gone through in my life and took a few years to recover.

When others found out I was single again, I began receiving invitations to dinner, concerts, etc. Some of these invites came from amazing, wonderful, great guys, of which some are still friends today. But, I wasn't ready then, nor even considering bringing another man into my life during this much needed process of taking care of myself.  I was wise enough to recognize my heart and head needed complete healing before I should consider entering into another relationship.  Determined to figure out what happened, how I'd allowed it to happen, my part in all of it and lastly, why I saw the signs so clearly in front of me, yet ignored them.  I had my own work cut out for me.

During this time of reflection, it would have been incredibly selfish to expect someone else to deal with my broken, wounded heart and fragile ego.  I was fully aware the Only One who could bring the healing I needed was God. And, I was dead set on allowing Him to do what He needed within me for the restoration I so desperately longed for.  Today, several years later, I can say with complete conviction, He did not let me down.  He never has.  He is the One Constant in my life.

I will be forever grateful for the time I've taken for myself, rather than rushing into another relationship. On those days I was feeling lonely or undesirable, it would've been easy to rush into something, but it would have been disastrous. I'm convinced making the conscious choice to be alone was much braver than rushing into the arms of someone else.  I didn't want to use a man's attention as a distraction to help me forget.  The pain I needed to work through was a pain I had to feel and learn from.  Most of us tend to fill our lives with busyness to bury the hard stuff, but we're only prolonging the inevitable.  If you think you won't take your same crap into the next relationship, you are sadly mistaken.  If you don't deal with it, it will come back to bite you later.  We must deal with our crap. There's no getting around it.  Period.  

Too many people think jumping into another relationship after a life-altering break-up is the best way to "move on".  I must disagree.  Of course, I suppose, there are exceptions to the rule, but I'm a firm believer a healed mind and heart prove a better gift to offer someone else, rather than a broken or confused one.

I'd heard many times, "When you can be content with yourself by being alone, you'll make a better partner".  To be honest, I thought it was crap, the stupidest thing I'd ever heard.  I was wrong.  I get it. These past several years, I can attest being alone was the best gift I've ever given myself.  It will be a gift my future partner will be forever thankful for as well.  Healing is an ongoing process, but if you'll allow Him, He will replace your gaping wound with a scar.

Because of my childhood and growing up with a father who needed constant rescuing, I fell into the trap, as so many do, of falling for the guy I needed to "help" or "fix".   This is a recipe for disaster. What I've learned the hard way is I can't "fix" or "save" anyone.  That's not my job.  That position belongs to God and Him alone.  And, it only works when that person is ready, willing and able to allow Him to do so.

Although, it would be nice for all of us to go through life without a broken heart, it's impossible.  Life is hard, but never forget, God is Good.  We must come to the realization where we've come from, what we've gone through or where we've been contributes to who we become.  Whatever your past or circumstance, you can choose better over bitter.  We can choose to learn from or ignore mistakes.  It's our choice.  But, don't fool yourselves.  The choice you make will determine the life you have.

It wasn't an easy path choosing to take a long, hard look at myself, investing the time, energy and hard work to allow God to "fix" and heal me.  But, I knew I had no choice if I wanted my life to be filled with more joy than sorrow.  

During these past couple years, as I've taken baby steps to "put myself out there", I've had plenty of opportunities for dating.  But, what's been different this time is I pay attention.  I notice the "red flags".  Some of the same issues I ignored in the past, I now take serious.  I take them as God's message to me "This isn't him".

It's taken me years to understand who I am and what I want.  And, it's been quite a liberating experience!  Of course, I'm still open to surprises, but I've a very good idea of the kind of man who's a right fit for me.  Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself the same question?  It matters.

One of the most important decisions we'll ever make is who we spend our lives with, yet too many of us make these decisions hastily or without serious thought.   Remember, it is better to be single than wish you were.

I still believe in marriage and have the utmost respect for this sacred covenant.  No one will ever convince me marriages can't work.  I know many happily, married couples.  Some just need to be more patient than others, rather than rushing or choosing the wrong person.

I hope this encourages those of you hurting or just recovering from a break-up or divorce. Take the time to heal.  It's hard to hear that, I understand, but you and your future partner will be better for it. Enjoy being alone.  Get to know yourself.  Take care of you before trying to take care of someone else.  Seek help if you need it.  Don't walk this lonely path alone.  Trust God in the process.  If the desire of your heart is to be married for the first time, or again, He is Faithful.  But, be patient and make the most of your time in the waiting. 

I decided to write this blog to encourage others, but also because of something I was asked just a couple days ago.  A dear friend pulled me aside, "Victoria, do you pray for the man who will one day be your husband?"  To be honest, I was a little taken aback by her question.  I answered yes.  She said, "What do you pray?"  I told her I prayed wherever he is for God to keep him safe, guard his heart, prosper him, take care of him and help him to find me when we're both ready.    

She then said something to me I'd never considered and caught me by surprise. "Did you know he prays the same things for you everyday?  Do you realize and understand how much he wants to find you?  He's asking God, "Where is she?  Please lead me to her." She said, "Vic, your future husband is longing to love and honor you for the rest of his life.  He can't wait to hold and kiss you.  He is anticipating an amazing life with you. He's refusing to settle until he finds you and you shouldn't either. You're going to make him the happiest man in the world and he will do the same for you."

Wow. For whatever reason, this blew my mind.  At that moment, I envisioned a man praying, believing and waiting patiently for me.  It made my heart smile.   I got kind of excited, if I'm being honest.  

This had never crossed my mind.  Maybe I wasn't ready to hear it before, I don't know, but it struck me.  It's endearing to think about a man praying for me too, when we possibly haven't even met yet. I felt like he was already honoring, protecting and valuing me.  In that moment, I also felt safe and loved. Yes, it's true.  I'm waiting for him and it's pretty amazing to know somewhere out there, he's waiting for me too.

And, I'm looking forward to the day he finds me.  :)

May I Introduce Myself?

I've been Victoria Koloff for over 27 years.  I inherited the name when I married my daughters' father. We're not married anymore, nor have been for over a decade.

Since three of my daughters' are now married and I suspect my youngest, who turns 21 next month, will be married one day as well, I've decided I no longer need or want to use the last name, "Koloff". After our divorce, I kept it for my girls' sake, but they're women now and it's time.  I've looked forward to this for a long time.   

Even though it's going to be a pain in the butt to change documents, business cards and social media accounts, the decision is made and I'm convinced the hassle will be well worth it.

I was born in Hickory, N.C. on June 2.   My parent's named me Robin Victoria Robinson.  Although, I'll continue using my middle name Victoria, I will immediately begin using my maiden name Robinson.  I understand it will take some time getting used to, but I feel strongly it's the right thing to do. Little by little, I'll be making the changes necessary on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.  My name may not be available on some sites, so I'll take my time deciding how to proceed when faced with those challenges.  I hope you'll be patient and I won't confuse you too much!

The reason I felt the need to explain?  Because I knew I'd be bombarded with well meaning messages of "Did you get married?" "Congratulations!"  "Who's the lucky guy?"  "When did you meet him?"  etc., etc.  

Nope.  I'm not getting married.  Nope.  My lucky guy hasn't shown up yet.  Nope.  I'm not hiding or running from someone!  It's pretty simple.  I just want my name back.  Same woman. Same work. Same passions.  Rest assured, the next, very last time, I ever change my name again will be when I have a really good reason to do so.

Until then........

Hello!  May I introduce myself!?  I'm Victoria Robinson.  

It's nice to meet you :)

The Big V-Day

Today is Valentine's Day! The day of romance, chocolates, flowers and love! For some of you singles, it's your worst nightmare and the most dreaded day of your life, causing you to break out in sweat, hyperventilate, or even cry, while in the fetal position, watching movies like "The Notebook" all day! (Big mistake, by the way).  I've had single friends ask me not to call on Valentine's Day because they just need to be alone. Seriously?!

If you're like me, you live by the motto "it's better to be single, than wish you were!"  If you're consumed with thoughts of "where is she/he?", then may I encourage you to look at the positives of your singleness in the waiting period?  Don't hear what I'm not saying.  I'm not downplaying how hard the single life can be.  I get it.  But, I'm asking you to stop wasting your life away in self-pity just because you don't have to share the bathroom with someone!

Here's my first piece of advice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Not only is it sad and pathetic, it's very unattractive. There are worse things than being single.  Why not embrace this time and make the most of it? Get to know yourself, figure out who you are, what you like, don't like or even what you are or aren't willing to compromise. This way, as you're meeting potential partners, you'll know if he/she is a good match for you and you'll recognize the "red flags", which saves you both time, disappointment and heartache.

Some of us are happier single! Maybe we were in marriages which were painful or miserable and now we can finally breathe.  Sure, there are those lonely times, but being part of a "couple" doesn't mean you'll never be lonely, nor is it a guarantee your life will be "complete".  You can't look for someone else to make you whole no matter what Tom Cruise says! Besides, another person will only "complete" you for a time.  Once the Oxytocin and initial "love" hormones wear off, you'll need more substance for the long haul, hence why it's so critical to know yourself and the other person well, long before committing to a lifetime together.  You've got to have things in common with one another, but this doesn't mean you need to be exactly alike.  I don't want someone who is a male version of me!  Sure, we need commonalities, but I want him to bring something different to our relationship, as I will as well. Opposites may attract at first, but eventually, they may repel!  If you're willing to marry someone you barely know, you have only yourself to blame if and when it doesn't work out.  Sure, some of those relationships have survived the long run, but they are quite rare.  Stop being in such a hurry or believing the lie "this could be the best I'm ever going to get so why not?"  There are plenty of reasons for "why not"!

A life partner should bring out the best in you, encourage, support and love you unconditionally, despite your flaws, imperfection or even your past. They should be someone you trust explicitly with your thoughts, feelings and even when they're away from you.  A person you share some of the same interests, morals and values.  These things are very important.  But, demanding another human being "complete" you is way too much pressure and frankly, impossible to achieve.  That kind of security comes from within. You've got to love yourself before you can love someone else.  When you're filled with a sense of self-worth and your identity doesn't come from a person, you're much better off, more desirable and more fulfilled.  People will always let you down, even in the best relationships, but when you're sure of who you are, your world won't end when it happens.  And it will happen.  Others will disappoint you, just as you will disappoint others. This is why you must find a sense of contentment in other places, besides a partner.

For me, it starts with my faith.  I find my strength from God's opinion of me, not other people.  There are those people who have high opinions of me and those who don't.  For that reason, I choose to believe who God says I am, that I can do what God says I can and I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. You'll have so much more to offer someone when you truly have the security of knowing you're enough. Confidence is sexy!  If you're constantly telling yourself, "when I'm a couple, then I'll do this or that" or "when I meet him/her, I'll be fulfilled" "when I lose 10 lbs., then I'll be good", or the greatest lie of all, "if I just had a husband/wife, then I'd be happy"!  You're only kidding and torturing yourself!  The good news is you don't have to wait to be a couple to enjoy your life!

Make the best out of your single life while you're in it.  Granted, my life doesn't resemble anything out of "Sex and the City" (nor would I want it to, although I do love Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe!), but I've learned so much about myself and frankly, it's been quite liberating.  Stop waiting till you're in a relationship to enjoy all that life has to offer! Get out and live!  Go to the concert, movie, play or take that trip!  Treat yourself.  Your future partner will appreciate you're secure in who you are.  I was in a relationship with an insecure man before, who was jealous of my success, my relationships, my personality and incredibly needy.  He looked for me to make him whole.  I couldn't do it and it was not fun.

Yes, I'm excited about being in love again, being in a healthy relationship and sharing my life with someone and I'm ready for when that day comes.  I know he's out there, but I'm not constantly looking for him.  Besides, I want him to find and pursue me!  In the meantime, I refuse to wallow in self pity or believe I'm missing out simply because I'm single. 

I put together a list of some of the things I've discovered living this single life.  Get out a pen and paper and start your list today.  You'll be pleasantly surprised by what you find:).

Here's my very Partial List:

#1: I've learned that I like being with me. How about that? Most people can't stand to be alone with themselves longer than 30 minutes. I, on the other hand, enjoy my "me" time. My friends ask me to go out with them lots of times and even have set me up on dates, but honestly, sometimes I just want to be home with a good book, a cup of french vanilla coffee or watch a movie in bed with a bowl of buttery popcorn by my side.

#2: I've learned how to change an AC Filter! (Did you know these need changing periodically?)

#3: I've learned how to use a plunger!

#4: I can actually change a ceiling light fixture!

#5: I get to choose whether I want to cook or go out to eat!

#6: I can clean out a garage all by myself!

#7: I can start a push lawnmower and use it!

#8: I can carry a live Christmas tree out to the curb for trash pick up!

#9: I can use a ladder!

#10: I can change the battery on a smoke detector!

#11: I can make investing decisions (with the help of my financial planner)!

#12: I can use a grill!

I know one day I'll be writing a different kind of "Love" Blog and I can't wait!  But, until that glorious day arrives, I'm enjoying my life and the many relationships I'm thankful for, which are so important to me.  I encourage you to search for the blessings in your life.  They're there.  I promise!

And, lastly! Until my Valentine shows up to shower me with love, respect and his undying affections, if I want a box of candy, flowers, balloons or a Valentine's Card, I can go out and BUY them myself!!

Happy Valentine's Day!