Nothing is "Unplanned"

This week is a big one for those of us who've been fighting on the front lines of the abortion issue for days, months, years or even decades.  On March 29th, a movie will release across the country.  A movie that's going to change the landscape of the abortion issue, how others see it and challenge everyone to make a choice.  This movie is going to start a long, overdue conversation. How do I know this?  Because I've seen it.  That movie is "Unplanned".

"Unplanned" is the true story of former Planned Parenthood Clinic Director, Abby Johnson.  Abby worked at Planned Parenthood for eight years, until one day, she saw something that changed everything.  Up until that life-changing moment, she'd bought a lie.  Thirty one years ago, I purchased one myself.    

When I was twenty one years old, I found myself newly divorced and a single mom to two little girls.  Struggling to make ends meet,  I worked twelve hour days just to make enough money to pay our bills and put food on the table.  Their biological father, my ex-husband, had literally abandoned us. He just "didn't want to be married anymore".  This man always had an excuse why he couldn't send child support, so I had no choice but to work as much as I could to take care of these two beautiful little girls on my own.

I can't count the number of days he promised them he would come for a visit.  They would pack their little suitcases and wait hours and hours on the porch because "Daddy was coming!" Too many times, I had to plead with and beg them to come in and get ready for bed, as light turned to dark, without any sign of their Daddy.  No phone call.  No apologies.  Nothing.  He just left me to pick up the pieces of their broken little hearts.

A part of me died every time I watched their hope fade that "Daddy forgot us again, Mommy".  I was lonely.  I was broken.  I felt helpless.  

It came as no surprise when the first guy who showed me attention was able to win my heart.  My self-esteem was shot to pieces by then and I longed for a man to reassure me I was worth his time and effort. I needed resassurance my girls' and I would be important to someone.  I was barely a child myself, broken and wounded, doing her best to take care of two more broken and wounded little souls. 

This new relationship grew serious quickly and I found myself incredibly attracted to everything about him.  I was in love.  I knew he was "the one".  He told me the same.  We were going to be married one day, grow old together.  We became sexually active within a few weeks of "falling in love".  He loved my girls and we talked about having our own children in the future. He told me he couldn't wait to be a father.

But, when I took a pregnancy test nine months into our relationship, things didn't have the happy ending I'd hoped for.  

I knew the outcome of a pregnancy.  I already had two children.  But, when my boyfriend suggested an abortion was best because the timing just wasn't right for us to have a child?  Well, he was very convincing. I believed him.

When I called the abortion clinic and shared my story, looking for answers for what to do, the abortion counselor said, "Don't you think it would be very selfish of you as a mother to bring another child in your life when you can barely feed the two you have? Those little girls deserve better than that, right?"  She was very convincing.  I believed her.  

Besides, after all, according to the abortion counselor, I was so early in my pregnancy, there was nothing there.  Just a blob of tissue, a clump of cells.  The procedure would be nothing more than getting a tooth pulled, a cyst or a benign tumor removed.  

So, on a Saturday morning, I drove myself to an abortion clinic in Charlotte, NC to end the growing life of my six week old baby.  After it was over, before I'd even walked out of the abortion clinic, I knew I'd just made the greatest mistake of my life and would never be the same.  I was right.

It took over a decade for me to finally accept God's forgiveness.  It took even longer to forgive myself.  God led me to a Pregnancy Center in Concord, NC, where I enrolled in post-abortion counseling to receive the help I needed to begin my healing process. My life was forever altered by the help they offered me.

Since that time, I've made it my mission to educate men and women about the ramifications of choosing abortion.  It's been a calling of sorts to do what I can to fully inform those who find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy, making sure they understand abortion doesn't have to be their permanent option to a temporary challenge.  

For over two decades, I've spoken to tens of thousands of men and women at conferences, events and churches across the country, where I've shared my own personal story, a secret I'd hidden for so long, determined my child would not die in vain.  

Yet, there've been moments I've felt people still don't really get it.  I can't fault them.  Unless you've experienced an abortion in your life, it's hard to empathize with those of us who have.  Still yet, there've been many caring people I've met throughout my career who've been incredibly kind and do sympathize earnestly with the post-abortive man or woman.

But, this week, I truly believe things are about to change, as the world will be impacted by a film that will leave them speechless. Many will feel betrayed when reality hits they've been fed a lie.

I also believe healing is going to begin for millions of post-abortive men and women, who've buried their abortions deep in their hearts.  This movie will remind them they are forgiven, loved deeply by a God who knows no bounds and a God who offers redemption, even after an abortion.  

Pregnancy Centers across the country are preparing for their phones to be ringing off the hook from those looking for help and healing.

Yes, it's a big day for those of us who've been in this fight.  Why?  Because finally, through the telling of this true story, the truth will be revealed to all.  A truth that keeps some of us up at night.  A truth that causes some of us to fall on our knees crying out to God for eyes to be opened to this American Holocaust.  I don't know if laws will change in the very near future, but when the hearts and minds of millions are transformed, then and only then, will abortion become unthinkable.  

I'm not going to lie.  This movie is hard to watch, but I can promise you won't be sorry you were courageous and brave enough in making the choice to purchase that movie ticket.  Besides, whatever side you find yourself, don't you owe it to yourself to know what you're standing up for?  Also be warned.  After viewing this film, you won't be able to plead ignorance any longer.

And, please, don't hear what I'm not saying.  This is not a time those of us involved in pro-life issues should be celebrating a victory of "I told you so".  Not at all.  In all actuality, our hearts should break for those who have turned a blind eye to the abortion issue.  Because when some of these same people come to the revelation many have had before them, it will be difficult to comprehend and understand.  Each one of us deserve the facts and whole truth about this bill of goods we've been sold for decades.  

Today, the most dangerous place for the unborn is in their own mother's womb.  How can this be?  How did we get here?  There are no surprises to God.  He knew Abby Johnson's story before she ever lived it, just as He knew mine.  He already knew the choices we'd make.  Even so, in all His Love and Mercy, He took the very thing in our lives that the enemy meant to destroy women like us and turned it into good.  God also knew about this movie long before the producers had a script.  He knew the perfect timing would be His and handpicked every single person that would be involved.  He also knew this movie would be a turning point for many.

With all my heart, I'm convinced God will use this movie, "Unplanned", for "such a time as this".  People will be angry.  People will be shocked.  People will be challenged.  People will be heartbroken.  People will be moved to action.

A line will be drawn in the sand.  There is no in between.  Not anymore.

Which side will you choose?

The Real "Busch" Girl!

I originally posted this on 2/7/09.  With the passing of our 41st President, I knew she was going to be sad today.  So, I wanted to re-post this story for her and for me.  R.I.P President Bush.  In the sweet words of my grandmother, "You was gooooood President".

My Granny is Panamanian, and she speaks with a strong Spanish accent, hence my grammar when quoting her.  I adore my Granny.  You will too. 

Recently, I had to be in N.C. to handle some personal issues.  One of the best parts of going back "home" is I get see my sweet grandmother.  Visiting her is one of the highlights of my life.  I've always been her favorite, but don't tell my siblings or cousins that! 

I spent the day with her on Sunday and when I arrived, she was waiting at the door for me. She had cooked one of my favorites, beef stew meat with carrots, potatoes and of course, her famous white rice! NOBODY makes rice like my Granny!

When I walked into her house, she looked adorable. She hugged me tight, kissed me and was genuinely happy to see me. I hugged and kissed her too, took a step back and got a good look at her. I started laughing and said, "Granny, I sure like that ball cap you're wearing! It looks good on you!" She said, "Oh jes Bikki, I like dis hat. It's for the President, the President Booosh. I like Booosh. He good man. He was good President". I said, "You do mean President George Bush, right, Granny? And, is that why you're wearing that hat?" Pointing to her hat, she said, "Jes, Bikki, because I like Booosh."

I laughed out loud. I couldn't stop and neither could my Uncle Alan. "Granny, that ball cap you're wearing says "Busch Beer". That's not a Bush hat, that's a beer hat!" She said, "Oh my God!  Are jew kidding me?!  I went to Wal-Mart wearing dis hat!  Oh My God!"  After she recovered from the embarassment, she was laughing too! I immediately envisioned my little old Granny taking her weekly drive to Walmart, buying her groceries, spending hours in the store and then smiling at customers and the cashier with that innocent face, all along wearing her "President Booosch" ball cap!

Gosh, I love that woman!

The Forgotten Father's - Men Are Hurting, Too

Thirty years ago, at the urging of my then boyfriend, I had an abortion.  

He convinced me we weren’t ready to have children, promised we’d get married one day and have children later, said we’d be together forever, and assured me that he loved me.  

I believed every word.  

So, on a Saturday morning, I drove myself to Planned Parenthood and my life was forever changed. As was our relationship. Nothing was the same between us after we made the decision to end the life of our child. Nothing. Within a year, we broke up.  

That fact is, most couples involved in an abortion experience together don’t make it.  The act is just too traumatic to be reminded of it constantly by being together. 

There’s no question it changed our relationship, I don’t think we ever looked at one another the same. I’d catch myself watching him and wondering, “How could he say he loved me when he allowed me to go through that?” Like me, I would guess, he was wondering himself, “How could she actually go through with it?” Confused, with broken hearts, we said goodbye to our “happily ever after”.

Through the years, I thought of him often. When I did, it wasn’t with compassion or sympathy, but of hatred and disgust. As time went on, I found myself loathing the man I once loved and wanted to grow old with. I hated what he’d done to me, loathed him for what he’d made me do. I blamed him for years for what happened until I finally had to accept my part in ending the life of our baby.

In my mind, I’d imagined he was going on with his happy, successful life, having forgotten all about me and the child we’d lost, and this made me angry.  

I hated hating someone so much, and knew I had to do something about it, so I chose to volunteer at a local pregnancy resource center. My reasoning?  I felt if I could help other women from making the same mistake I’d made, it would help me deal with my own pain, guilt and shame. I was convinced post-abortive men weren’t suffering the same effects as the women they’d impregnated, and completely detached myself from having empathy for these post-abortive fathers.

After going through my own healing process, at the encouragement of family and friends, I decided to write a book, “They Lied to Us”. I not only shared my story in the book, but the stories of other women who’d chosen abortion and how it had forever changed them. Although I changed my own post-abortive father’s name in the book, I felt an obligation to tell him about it.  

After thirteen years, I picked up the phone and dialed his number.

He recognized my voice immediately. Then, something happened that will always be etched in my mind. He began to cry, then sob. I could barely understand his inaudible voice.  Finally, he calmed down and began telling me he’d waited and prayed for this call for over a decade. He said, “I’ve been wanting to tell you how sorry I am for what I made you do.  Can you forgive me?  Please, forgive me.” 

He went on to say, “As a man, it was my job to protect you and our child.  Our choice has haunted me ever since.  I’ve been in therapy for years trying to deal with it.  I wish we could go back and change it.”

In that moment, something changed within me.  

The hatred I’d felt for so long was gone. What I felt now was true compassion, empathy and sympathy for this man I’d grown to despise. Frankly, I was shocked. I had no idea, that like me, he’d been traumatized by our decision to end the life of our child. His healing was made complete when I said, “I forgive you.”  And, I meant it.

It didn’t end there.  

I asked him to forgive me as well. Because no one held a gun to my head when I walked in that abortion clinic and allowed my baby to be taken from me. We talked a little while longer, then said good-bye.  A ten- minute phone call changed us both.  For me, it brought the healing that was missing in my heart. It also shifted my paradigm as to how I’d view the post-abortive father from that point on.   

I’d had an epiphany. Men were hurting too. Men were experiencing pain and trauma of a past abortion, yet no one was talking about it. Any time the issue is mentioned, the focus is on the women and babies. The men are forgotten. But, we must recognize, these aborted babies had fathers.

Throughout our culture, men have been made out to be “tough, macho, insensitive, without emotion or feeling”.  

If they care to be vulnerable, they’re labeled weak. But, the truth is, men are affected by abortion in some of the same ways as women.  There are 55 Million+ post-abortive men in this country, men who are suffering alone from the effects and trauma of an abortion.  We can no longer silence them. They’re not talking about it because they’ve never been given permission to do so. They’re afraid of how they’ll look or maybe convinced themselves no other man feels this way. This is just another tragic ramification of abortion.

Throughout my speaking career, as I’ve traveled around the country sharing my own story, I’ve met hundreds of men at my events. They come to meet me at my book table, many confiding in me, a woman they’ve never met, because they know I’ll listen, without judgement or condemnation. Again and again, I hear the same things.  

“I’m haunted by the abortion.”  “I have no one to talk to about it.”  “No one understands.”  “We’re in pain too”.   Walking away, they’ll whisper, “Please, don’t forget about us”.

In the moment of decision, abortion may be a quick, easy solution for a man. He can then remove himself from the situation and move on with his life. For one thing, his body isn’t affected in the same way as a woman’s, so it may be easier for him to forget. For some men, walking away and forgetting seems to work.  

But, for countless others, it does not.  

These men still taste the bitterness and pain of their abortion. It’s always there. Without knowing it, this unspoken part of their past creeps up on them through the way they behave or treat others.

Men have told me they never understood why they were so angry, had trust issues, abused drugs or alcohol, or suffered from depression.  Some of these men have carried these issues for years, some decades, until they come to understand these behaviors stemmed from their past abortion experience. We must change the stigma of men when it comes to the abortion issue. Men want to be heard. They need to be heard.  They deserved to be heard.

And, we can no longer forget these “forgotten fathers”.

Selfless

I had dinner recently with a good friend.  We talked about relationships, which is what most girls do, besides make-up, kids, traveling, working out, decorating, carbs, etc.  You get the picture.  Since, I'm the "single" friend in a large group of married women friends, the question I'm asked frequently is "have you met anyone special yet?"  After I've answered, the conversation changes to questions about past relationships and long-lost loves.

During this time at dinner, I shared why I felt they'd failed and the part I played in their demise.  If I've learned anything from the past seven years being on my own and reflecting, I've learned I'm not perfect and I could have done better too.

This particular girlfriend has been married to her college sweetheart for twenty-nine years.  They aren't together "because of the kids", they're together because they're happily married.  I told her how blessed she was to still be in love with her husband of almost three decades.  I asked her what she thought made it work.

She believes one of the biggest reasons her marriage works so well is because her husband is an incredibly selfless man, who's married to a woman who highly respects him.  She told me, "Vic, next time, you need a guy who isn't self-centered or selfish".

Her comment made me think about the men I've loved.  It was absolutely eye-opening to realize I'd never loved a selfless man.  I thought about my daughters and their husbands.  Each one of my son-in-law's are the most selfless men I've ever met.  They love my girls' unconditionally.  Each one of them share healthy, happy marriages.

I think my friend is on to something. :)

An "Eagles" Blog Re-Post......because they deserve it :)

I've been listening to them since I was 10 years old.  Even at a young age, I appreciated amazing music.  It was my escape.  I lived for music then, as I still do today.  That's why I enjoy singing, (not just at a Karaoke bar!), but at my speaking engagements.

A couple years ago, I made a bucket list (see my Bucket List Blog).  God willing, I will check them off before I'm gone.  Coming in at #11 was seeing the "Eagles" live in concert.   At my age, you'd have thought I'd been to one of their concerts by now, but it's just never worked out.  So, when I found out they were coming to Nashville, I was determined to be there.  I absolutely love living in Tennessee.  The greatest concerts play here every week!  Well, nothing was going to stop me from attending this concert.  Although, it almost did, fate wouldn't have it.

With my hectic schedule over the past several months, it had slipped my mind to buy tickets.  When I realized this oversight, I immediately began my exhaustive search online to find them.  No luck, it was sold out.  Although that was disappointing, I was determined.  I mean, have you  met me?!

As a single woman, if there's a movie I want to see, I go.  If there's a restaurant I want to try, I go.  If there's a museum I want to tour, I go.  A vacation I want to take, I take it. I like hanging out with me, so I have no issue going somewhere by myself.  However, I admit, that a concert is the one event I'd never done alone.  But, this was the Eagles!  And there's a first time for everything.

As I got myself ready, my oldest daughter, Teryn, asked where I was going.  I answered, "To the Eagles concert."  She said, "Oh, good, you finally got your ticket?!"  Nope.

When I explained to her that I was determined to be at that concert, she wasn't surprised.  She knows me well:).  She told me to have a great time and be careful.  I was on my way.

Since I was already committed to a 7pm radio interview, I knew I'd have an hour before the music started at 8.  I had it all worked out in my head.  First, find a parking space downtown and do the interview in my car.  Secondly, walk safely to the Bridgestone.  Thirdly, visit the ticket counter for a great seat!  Then, just sit back, sing my heart out and enjoy.

My interview was over at 7:55.  I had 5 minutes.  Parking paid, $25.00, I began the two block walk to the arena.  There were people walking alongside me, with that same grin on their face!  Conversations took place all around.  It was like we were all old friends.  You could sense the anticipation and excitement in the cold, crisp air of Downtown Nashville.  It was the Eagles for gosh sakes!  As I struck up a conversation with a group of friends who'd arrived together, a guy in the group said to me, "Let me get this straight.  You came to Downtown Nashville to see a sold out Eagles concert, you don't have a ticket and you're alone?"  Yup.  That is correct.  "Well, you've got $%#@!"  So, I've been told.

As we waved good-bye and the group wished me luck, I made my way to the ticket counter.  The nice lady said, "Can I help you?"  I told her I needed a ticket and wasn't leaving without one.  She asked, "Are you alone?"  Yes.  "You came here by yourself?"  Yes!  (Jeez, people!).  "Well, that takes a lot of guts, so I'm going to do my best to find you a great seat!"  And, that, she did.  So, $120 bucks later, I had a great seat.  As I made my way to the arena, I ran into some great friends!  Here's a picture with Scott, who was there with his fiance', Sara and their friends.  When he saw me, he showed me a text he'd just received from my daughter, Teryn, who knew he'd be there.  It said, "Hey, if you see some crazy woman trying to get a ticket, it's my Mom!"  That was pretty funny.

My heart was racing because I was so excited.  I did it!  I was here!  I'm not going to lie, I felt a bit emotional!  I had a feeling I would most likely cry, or at the least, tear up when I saw Don, Glenn, Joe, Tim, and the rest of the guys.  (No judging, please!).  My seat was so close, I could almost smell their cologne.  It was absolutely one of the best nights of my life!  (I know I need to get out more!).  I met new friends (who were also shocked I came alone), who graciously included me in their experience, and were great dancing and singing partners.  The sweet ladies beside me thought I was way too young to even know who the Eagles were, let alone have every song memorized.  I was flattered.

It was a night I'll never forget!  Not only did I hear and see one of my favorite bands of all time, I proved to myself once again that "in the waiting", single people shouldn't cease to live their lives just because they are in a season of "partner-less"!  I refuse to sit by and watch life pass me by, just because I'm not someone's other half at the moment.

No matter what stage of life you're in, don't waste it by being a spectator.  I know many singles and even couples who don't have as much fun doing life together, as I do by myself.  Get off the couch, go live!  There's so much to do and experience.  Enjoy this short life you've been given while you can!  What a waste it would be to do nothing with it.

I look forward to my next adventure.  And, although, I'm not against taking a date with me places, having one or not having one is not going to determine whether I go or not.  I want to always strive to be that person who says, "I'm glad I did", not, "I wish I had".  Do the things that bring you joy.

What's next?  "Chicago?", "Elton John", "Paul McCartney", "Billy Joel".  Hey, I'm up for it:)

(FYI:  I originally posted this in 2013, but being I'm on my way tonight to see them again, I thought it was worth a re-post.  Although, some things are different.  Glenn won't be there and is no longer with us (which sucks!), his magic and music will live on through his son, whose joined the band.  And, another change?  This time, I won't be going alone. :)

Bittersweet Good-Byes

A little over a year ago, I began to sense a change was coming.  I wasn't exactly sure what that change was, only knew it was on the way.  Throughout my twenty year career in the non-profit world, God has always prompted this familiar stirring in my heart and spirit long before actual change would take place.  He knows me well enough to know He has to take time with me and prepare my heart for what's ahead.

I could pretend I'm one of those obedient Christians who, when sensing God's leading in a new direction, immediately takes action, but I would be lying.  The truth is, I fight God when I feel something's on the horizon which makes me uncomfortable, nervous or scared.  I mean, seriously, who the heck really likes change?  I'll argue and do my best to reason with Him.  Sometimes, I even have the nerve to tell Him He doesn't know what He's doing.  He continued to make things perfectly clear through other people and situations that happened throughout the year.  No, He wasn't changing His mind, but He was asking me to.

I knew all along what was coming, but preferred to stay in denial.  Once I'd finally figured out the change had to do with my future as the CEO of the Pregnancy Centers of Middle Tennessee, it was easier that way.  And, I'm not going to lie, it broke my heart. There is no way to measure the tears I've cried over this. I didn't want to say good-bye to the ministry and staff I'd grown to love so much.  As the leader of this amazing organization for the past seven years, I've grown very comfortable in my role.  We've created a "well oiled" machine that runs very smoothly.  Our team works so well together, each exceeding in their respective positions.  The center is thriving in every way possible.  Why now??

When I began my career with the PCofMT seven years ago, we were highly in debt and honestly, I didn't know how I was going to make payroll, let alone pay our buildings' mortgage and utility bills.  I knew I'd have to hit the ground running or we'd go deeper and deeper in debt.  With God's favor and also that of a great team, we worked diligently to make sure no client went without having their needs met and no bill went unpaid.  We worked tirelessly to dig ourselves out of a hole.   And, we succeeded.

But, when God says, "Go", you can ask questions, plead and procrastinate all you want, it changes nothing.  I had many sleepless nights struggling with this decision.  But, everywhere I turned, His answer was continually crystal clear, "Your season here has ended."  I finally reconciled with the fact if I continued to hold on to something out of the fear of the unknown, God couldn't take me where I was meant to go next. 

So, right before Christmas, I finally gave in.  I knew what I had to do and handed in my letter of resignation.  The Board was shocked.  They asked many questions, "Do you have another job offer?"  No. I haven't even started looking.  "What are you going to do?"  I don't know.  "Why?"  Because God has showed me it's time to leave.  I'm sure to a degree, they thought I was crazy!  At first, they didn't accept my resignation and asked me to take the holidays to pray more about it and give them a final decision after the new year.  Out of respect for them, I agreed.  I took this time and continued to pray, I sought counsel from my family and some close friends.  My decision was final.  My next step was telling my staff I was leaving.  I knew it would be gut wrenching.  It was.  But, they've showed me incredible grace and love throughout these past few months and will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Some family and friends thought I'd lost my mind.  A couple of loving friends not only felt the need to remind me I didn't have another job, but since I'm single I don't have a husband, who provides a second income and a health insurance plan either (for the record, I already knew each one of these facts!:). Another well meaning friend said, "Why not start looking and leave when you have another job offer?"  I told her, "Where's the faith in that?"

In my seven year tenure with the center, we've opened a second location, added new programs, remodeled our facility, increased our donor base by 110% and are now a debt free organization.  I'm very proud of these accomplishments.  I met every single goal I set from the moment I stepped foot inside this office.  I'm satisfied to be leaving the center much better than how I found it.  My successor inherits a healthy organization with an incredibly competent, trained staff, a supportive board and zero debt.  She will have no excuses to take this ministry even farther and do more than I ever did.  With hard work and a never give up attitude, I am confident she can take the center to the next level.

I don't know what's next for me.  As I said, I'm not leaving for another job, but I know, without a doubt in my mind, this is God's Will for my life.  My time with this center has come to an end.  I will miss the many donors and friends I've met along the way and I will especially miss my wonderful staff and the comradery we share, but I'm forever thankful our friendships will last a lifetime.

Am I scared?  Of course I am!  I'm human.  But, I also feel a huge sense of relief and peace.  I must walk in obedience and trust Him.  I serve a God who knows my needs and has my back.  I'm confident He won't let me down.

Without hesitation and with conviction, I can also say I'm excited for what's ahead!  I'm more than ready for my next journey.  I will take all the relationships, credibility and knowledge from the past twenty years of non-profit experience into the new adventures that await me.  And, there's something pretty darn cool and mysterious about that!

During one of those many mornings I found myself wrestling with God, someone posted this picture on social media.  It wrecked me.  After I picked my sobbing self off the floor, I began to laugh.  I was elated, excited and hopeful about my future.  It was my last "sign", if you will.  I knew what I had to do, took out my laptop and started writing my "Dear Board" letter.  It was a surreal experience.  This picture sums up the past year of my life, as I've argued with God about this new season in my life. But, sometimes we must just take a step of faith, believe and trust.

And, I'm trusting Him now more than ever.

The Big "V" Day!

Today is Valentine's Day! The day of romance, chocolates, balloons, flowers and love! For some of you singles, it's your worst nightmare and the most dreaded day of your life, causing break outs in a sweat, hyperventilating or sobbing in the fetal position, all while watching movies like "The Notebook"! (Big mistake, by the way).  Some of my single friends even requested no phone calls or texts today because they need to be alone.

I live by the motto "it's better to be single, than wish you were!"  If you're consumed with thoughts of "where is she/he?", may I encourage you instead to look at the positives of your singleness in the waiting period?  Don't hear what I'm not saying.  I'm not downplaying how hard the single life can be.  I get it.  But, I'm only asking you to consider something.  Don't you think it's past time you stopped wasting away in self-pity just because you don't have someone to share the bathroom!?

Here's my first piece of advice. Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Not only is it sad and pathetic, it's very unattractive. There are worse things than being single.  Why not embrace this time and make the most of it? Get to know yourself, figure out who you are, what you like, don't like or even what you are or aren't willing to compromise. This way, as you're meeting potential partners, you'll know if he/she is a good match for you and have a better chance to recognize the "red flags", which will save you valuable time, disappointment and possible heartache.

Let this sink in for a moment.  Some people are happier being single! Maybe they were in painful or miserable marriages and now they can finally breathe.  Sure, there are those lonely times, but being part of a "couple" doesn't mean you'll never be lonely, nor is it a guarantee your life will be "complete".  I don't care what Tom Cruise says, you can't expect someone else to make you whole! Besides, another person will only "complete" you for a time.  Once the Oxytocin wears off, you'll need more substance for the long haul, hence why it's so critical to know yourself AND the other person well, long before committing to a lifetime together.  I believe you must have at least some things in common with a potential partner, but this doesn't necessarily mean you should be exactly alike.  Personally, I don't want to be with the male version of myself.  Sure, we need commonalities, but I want my future partner to bring something different into our relationship, as I would hope I would bring something new to him as well. To me, this will only help both of us grow, stretch and step out of our comfort zones by trying something we've never tried before.  Opposites attract, but eventually, they may repel!  More people should stop being in such a hurry or believing in the lie "this could be the best I'm ever going to get, so I might as well".  There are plenty of reasons why this kind of mindset is not a good idea.  It's never wise to settle.  You'll both pay for it in the long run.

A life partner should bring out the best in you, encourage, support and love you unconditionally, despite your flaws, imperfections or your past. He or she should be someone you can trust explicitly with your thoughts or feelings, someone you can wholeheartedly trust even when they're away from you.  Someone who shares the same interests, along with similar morals and values.  I don't know about you, but I want my lifelong partner to be my best friend too!  To me, these attributes are very important.  But, demanding another human being "complete" you is way too much pressure on your partner and frankly, impossible to achieve.  This kind of security comes from within. You've got to love yourself before you can love someone else.  When you're filled with a sense of self-worth and your identity doesn't come from a person, you're much better off, more desirable and more fulfilled.  Look, people will always let you down, even in the best relationships, but when you're sure of who you are, your world won't fall apart when it happens.  And it will happen.  Others will disappoint you, just as you will disappoint others. And, it will hurt, but it doesn't have to be the end.  This is one of the reasons why, I believe, it's wise to find a sense of contentment in yourself, besides looking for it solely in your partner.

For me, it starts with my faith.  I find my strength from God's opinion of me, not other people.  There are those who hold me in high esteem, but, still others who do not.  For that reason, I choose to believe who God says I am. You'll have so much more to offer someone when you truly have the security of knowing you're enough. Confidence is sexy!  If you're constantly telling yourself, "when I'm a couple, then I'll do this or that" or "when I meet him/her, I'll be fulfilled" or "when I lose 10 lbs., then I'll be good", or the greatest lie of all, "if I just had a husband/wife, then I'd be happy"!  You're only kidding and torturing yourself!  And, the great news?!  You don't have to wait until you're part of a couple to be whole!  However, your outcome and how you see yourself starts with you and what you choose to do about it.

Why not try making the best out of your single life while you're in it?  Granted, my life doesn't resemble anything out of "Sex and the City" (nor would I want it to, although I do love Carrie's wardrobe!), but I've learned so much about myself and frankly, it's been quite liberating.  So, stop waiting till you're in a relationship to enjoy all that life has to offer! Get out and live!  Go to that concert, movie, play or take that trip you've always wanted to take!  Treat yourself.  Your future partner will appreciate you're secure in who you are.  I've been in a relationship with an insecure man before, who was jealous of my successes and even my relationships with my family, friends and children.  He was incredibly needy, expecting me to make him feel whole.  Nothing I did was ever enough.  It was not fun, not to mention, it was completely exhausting and the relationship ended.

Yes, I'm excited about being in love again, enjoying a healthy relationship and sharing my life with someone.  I can't wait!  I'm ready and have much to offer my future partner.  I know he's out there, but I'm not constantly looking for or obsessed with finding him.  Besides, I want him to come find me! Yes, I'm an independent woman, but I'm still a woman!  I want to be romanced, longed for and pursued. 

With confidence I say this, when he does show up, he'll know, (as I will), he's found the best thing that's ever happened to him!  In the meantime, in the waiting period, wherever he is, I pray he's doing the same kinds of things I am; working on himself, making responsible decisions and looking forward to the day he finds me.  I hope he's already considering me in all he does, as I'm considering him. 

Great, loving, healthy relationships are worth waiting for.  In my season of singleness, I refuse to wallow in self pity or believe I'm missing out on all life has to offer, simply because I'm alone for the time being.   I admit there are those days I wonder "where is he?", the days I long to be held, touched and kissed, but I refuse to allow those thoughts to consume me.  Life is too short and beautiful. 

For fun, I put together a list of some of the things I've discovered living this single life.  Get out a pen and paper and start your list today.  You'll be pleasantly surprised by what you find:).

Here's my (very) Partial List:

#1: I've learned that I like being with me. How about that? Most people can't stand to be alone with themselves longer than 30 minutes. I, on the other hand, enjoy my "me" time. My friends ask me to go out with them lots of times and even have set me up on dates, but honestly, sometimes I just want to be home with a good book, a cup of french vanilla coffee or watch a movie in bed with a bowl of buttery popcorn by my side.

#2: I've learned how to change an AC Filter! (Did you know these need changing periodically?)

#3: I've learned how to use a plunger!

#4: I can actually change a ceiling light fixture!

#5: I get to choose whether I want to cook or go out to eat!

#6: I can clean out a garage all by myself!

#7: I can start a push lawnmower and use it!

#8: I can carry a live Christmas tree out to the curb for trash pick up!

#9: I can use a ladder!

#10: I can change the battery on a smoke detector!

#11: I can make investing decisions (with the help of my financial planner)!

#12: I can use a grill!

#13: I can go to a restaurant, on vacation, a movie, concert or live show all by myself!

I also wrote another list, one I will not share here.  It's a list of the kind of man I'm waiting for and I would challenge you to do the same.  Make your list in great detail.  One day, I will share this list with the last "love of my life". 

One day I'll be writing a different kind of "Love" Blog and I can't wait!  But, until that glorious day arrives, I'm enjoying my life and the many relationships I'm incredibly thankful for, which are so important to me.  I encourage you to search for the blessings in your life.  They're all around you.  I promise!

And, lastly! Until my Valentine shows up to shower me with love, respect and his undying affections, if I want a box of candy, flowers, balloons or a Valentine's Card, I can go out and BUY them myself!!

Happy Valentine's Day!